I adore Facebook Marketplace. I spend my mornings calmly perusing listings — furniture, plants, homewares — like an old Italian man leisurely reading the newspaper on his front porch, sipping his espresso with a splash of Sambuca. But lately, my daily ritual has been sullied by a revolting, sinister object: the used Birkenstock.
It started with the occasional festy Arizona sandal; the suede footbed dotted with black stains, the hardware scratched and the leather upper cracked.
But now the algorithm has decided to punish my big, beautiful brown eyes by serving me used Birkenstocks which look like they’ve been excavated from an ancient Roman burial site. They’re the sort of weathered artefacts the British Museum would steal, plonk in an exhibition and charge AU$35 to look at.
And I’ve had enough.
There is many a used thing which lends itself to being resold. Take, for example, a gorgeous set of martini glasses from the 1960s which haven’t been used in decades and are simply collecting dust in the cupboard. Or well-loved walnut dining chairs which only need a lick of varnish to bring them back to life.
In the sartorial stakes, one only has to look at Depop, eBay, Vestiaire Collective, The Real Real and other resale sites to see the quality — and, in most cases, the stonking price points — of the secondhand garments, jewellery and accessories on offer.
But the humble Birkenstock is not attractive, nay, appropriate secondhand fodder. Any shoe with a footbed which literally moulds to the shape of your toes and turns black from the oils and sweat your hooves secrete should not be rehomed. Birkenstocks are not for Christmas; they’re for life.
I mean — look at the pair of suede Arizona sandals that Twitter user @jtthenutt found on Facebook Marketplace. You can’t even see the size or Birkenstock logo on the footbed anymore because it’s been besmirched with foot sweat. The suede upper looks like it sheathed Jesus’ dogs when he was carrying the cross to his crucifixion. I remember seeing these sandals in the Stations of the Cross when I learned about them in primary school.
Someone trying to sell their nasty used Birkenstock sandals on Facebook…
Only $40 pic.twitter.com/RcrXjk8bIQ
— Jamie Benn is a POS (@jtthenutt) July 5, 2022
And the price … the price. According to this Twitter user’s bio they live in the States, so with today’s exchange rates, US$40 is worth AUD$59.82.
Would you pay $60 for Birkenstocks which have been impregnated with the moisture of another human being’s tootsies and are, essentially, mobile petri dishes chockablock with bacteria? I think not. And if you would, I need you to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself why.
Is it because you have an unquenchable desire to live out your own little The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants fantasy? Because the only bond you’ll form with the previous owner of a manky pair of Birkenstocks is catching whatever fungal infection they contaminated the footbed with.
I know things are tough thanks to that bloody bastard known as “the cozzie livs” and selling pre-loved clothes, shoes and the like helps reduce the environmental footprint of fashion by keeping ’em out of landfill.
But we, as a society, need to draw the line when it comes to selling used Birkenstocks. If your comfy clodhoppers are looking a bit worse for wear, the company can repair them for you and make them beautiful again.
So please, don’t burden another person with your haggard Birkenstocks. But above all, stop ruining my relaxing scrolls on Facebook Marketplace by uploading listings of sandals which look like they’ve been chewed by a dog and claiming “they still have lots of life left in them”.
