I hate Crocs. I don’t care that people think they’re cool now because Flex Mami wears them. I don’t care that they’re supposedly comfortable and feel great on your feet. And before you come for me, I don’t care that we’ve previously said we like them – I fucking don’t, and I’m here to let the world know.

Look, I get the need for Crocs on a functional level. I would never shame someone for having a pair at their backdoor that they use specifically when they’re in the garden. I don’t care if they’re worn at a pool. And kids wearing Crocs? A practical decision, especially since you don’t want them dirtying up shoes that are actually socially acceptable.

Using Crocs for the purpose of comfort and practicality when you have no desire to be aesthetically pleasing is a fitting use for something so fugly, and I am not beyond reason.

However, to pretend that Crocs can be cute, that they can be sexy, that they can be worn for aesthetic purposes beyond anything other than ‘I’m cleaning out the gutters’ is unacceptable.¬†And yet, high fashion continues its bullshit.

Stiletto Crocs
Look me in the eye and tell me these monstrosities wouldn’t destroy your ankle and your dignity. I dare you.

Balenciaga just announced a collaboration with Crocs for its Spring 2022 collection, which is introducing two new types of this monstrosity – a stiletto Croc, and a boot Croc. Clearly, high fashion has gone too far and it’s time for a fucking moral panic.

When I first saw the stiletto Croc, I thought it was satire. We see all kinds of batshit fashion hacks online that turn out to be fake, and it wasn’t until I saw these cursed things on actually reputable sites that I realised they are supposed to be actual shoes.

Just look at that mf incline. Look at that god-awful, precarious heel with the flat, round bottom. Are you really gonna tell me these will go off at the club? That shawty can get low in one of these? The dainty to chunky ratio is so off, I can already feel my ankle rolling.

Boot Crocs
You may proceed.

The knee high Crocs, I can forgive. They’re just like uglier gumboots, and I actually kind of like gumboots. There’s something respectable about them, and while I don’t think the Croc-version nails the vibe, I’m willing to ignore it and go about my day.

Stiletto Crocs, though? They can burn, literally. This is capitalism gone too far, and a blight on the achievements of humanity.