The official schedule for what is widely considered Australia’s premier fashion event Rosemount Australian Fashion Week, is due out today, which might interest the people that are actually welcome to attend i.e. media and industry types, but what about your everyday design/apparel/style-interested person? RAFW is strictly off limits.
They try to make regular peeps without a triple A pass feel like they’re somehow included but really that’s a ruse to prevent real world humans from mixing in with the fashion scenesters, “personalities”, and real-Chanel-bag carriers that use words like “on-trend” in a non-ironic way.
If you are the kind of person who would like to attend the shows or see the collections (or maybe you just want to hook up with a model) here’s a few tips on how to sneak into RAFW.
TIP 1: BLUE TOOTH DEVICE
Most people that use a hands-free blue tooth earpiece for their telephone are either wankers, cab drivers or FASHION SHOW OPERATIONS STAFF.
That may not actually be true, but Hollywood movies would suggest otherwise. Either way, if you walk confidently past security and give them a nod of your head while busily talking into an earpiece you’ll look important enough not to mess with.
TIP 2: CATERING
Chances are that real fashion week catering staff will either wear all white (black is prob too chic for the help) or some kind of wanky dinner jacket. That gives you a 50-50 shot of dressing the part. Then all you need is a tray of mini pies or a bain-marie, a sheepish ‘where-do-i-need-to-be’ facial expression and you’re as good as in.
Bonus: carrying food is a great way to make friends. Question: have you ever met a tray of hors d’oeuvres you didn’t like?
TIP 3: RED BULL PROMO CHICK/DUDE
Backstage, all the skinny types want to do is get pepped up on sugar-free Red Bull – so the success rate of getting in is good. If you have one of the branded Red Bull cars even better.
TIP 4: MODEL
If you’re skinny and tall you should probably be a model anyway. Wear Doc Martins and a flanno tied around your waist – and slouch.
TIP 5: DECOY
Release a well-trained child actor near the venue entrance. Have them target security guards or ushers in Lost Child Mode – i.e. tears, snot, foot stamps, wailing. After a couple of minutes move in to “save” your child. Security will be so distressed they won’t ask questions as you relieve them of the snot monster and move inside, child in tow.
TIP 6: SECURITY
If you have stature akin to brick shit house simply wear black top and bottoms and you’re in, no sweat. Holding a prop – like a clip board or two way radio – can give you that extra edge over other pretend security guards.
TIP 7: EXOTIC PRESS
It helps if you’re wearing an epic outfit – perhaps something incredibly expensive that looks as though it was woven by the handmaidens of god? – and outrageous hair and makeup. Probably a conceptual head piece. Think Isabella Blow. Think Anna Piaggi. Learn how to say “I’m sorry I don’t understand” in a rare language – perhaps Latin? – ensuring no one else close by will speak it and reveal you as a fraud. An outlandishly attired foreign person will never be questioned.
TIP 8: DJ BAG
Always remember that confidence is the key to sneaking in anywhere – whether it’s backstage at a concert, the local peep show, or the collections of RAFW. Head held high, eye contact and good hair can be the clincher.
Thank god you’ve got better things to do with your time.
For information on the RAFW timetable and collections visit rafw.com.au