It’s Christmas, it’s Christmas, it’s Chriiiiiiiistmas.
It’s a deeply holy holiday, but for most of us it’s little more than an excuse to dive, head on, into all of our favourite vices.
Whether it’s eating 10 fruit mince pies in one sitting, sneaking a couple cheeky thousand island sauce-dipped prawns out the fridge before the big day or smothering yourself in your mum’s Baileys Irish Cream, we all like to let go and indulge a little over the holiday season.
If you’re lucky, this holiday hedonism will extend to your sex life. Luxurious sleep-ins and long summer nights are powerful aphrodisiacs for the fuck. But, if you’re feeling like you want to add even more Crimmus spice to the boudoir, here are our top 5 favourite borked sexy Xmas outfits to help put the ho ho ho back into your bell-jingling season.
1. Male Fever Rudolf Kini
Look at this mans, he is so happy to have his balls and dick squished by a mankini. His anus is also very pleased to be chafed.
2. Naughty Knot Unwrap Me Sexy Christmas Body Bow
In the words of Kanye West in his bass-heavy hit Monster, “My presence is a present, kiss my ass”.
And you will probably have someone doing more than kissing your ass if you wear this satin creation. At only $29.95, it’s a very cost-effective gift. Buy it for yourself, dress up in it and surprise your partner. That way you won’t have to get them that dumb expensive iPhone.
3. ASOS Longline Christmas T-Shirt With Nice But Naughty Reindeer Print
If you’re a little more low key when it comes to overt displays of your sexuality, this graphic tee is for you.
Featuring a decidedly thicc rudolf with two flaming red balls covering his anus, you’ll be sure to attract many suitors wearing this $28 soft-touch jersey item.
4. Reindeer Costume With Detachable Tutu
This costume looks a little too close to a furry fetish for me and I’m alarmed.
5. Inflatable Christmas Roast Turkey
OMW to fug ya bitch
The best way to get a proper stuffing this Christmas is to dress up like a turkey.
This $71.95 inflatable turkey costume proves that you’re fun as well as sexy, which is no doubt translate to an evening of salty, juicy fudging.
6. Rudolf Nipples
If you’re feeling skint but still skanky this Christmas, don’t despair – this is the perfect outfit for you!
Women have been decorating their niplits with Rudolf noses, and the results are… Well, give them a look yourself:
There you go, folks. Go ahead and get into the Christmas spirit, would ya?