Indoor plants. I don’t think I’ve ever really kept one alive really, and I always struggle to find the right baby for me. Sometimes I question whether I was even meant to be a mother. My children always hate me.

Succulents? Boring. Devil’s Ivy? Literally every gay and their dog has one of those. I want something inspiring that needs little to no care. If I have to water you once a week, you don’t belong in my home. I’m talking real negligence hours.

Every time I google plants that need little care I always get a bit confused at the complex instructions like “I need light to survive”. What’s that all about? Crazy instructions, if I’m honest. Way too difficult.

Plus, I live in a bastion without light, like a vampire, so that could never do.

I set out to find the most perfect indoor plants that could survive the most negligent of situations. (My house. I’m talking explicitly about my house.)

Bamboo

If you live in a lightless cave like I do, Bamboo is your best friend. Plus all you need to do is let them live in some water and they’ll be happy.

More importantly, I’ll be happy with the fact that every month or so, all I am required to do is change the water. Now that is some love ’em and leave ’em care I can get behind.

Source: Getty Images / Daniela Duncan

Anthuriums

Put these bad boys in some light and water them when the soil is super dry. If you forget to give a little love to these queens, do not fret, they absolutely hate being in moist soil anyways.

Source: Getty Images / Andrey Bukreev

Elephant Ear Plants

I’ve got two elephant ear plants, one huge one named Babar and one little one named Pom. Points if you get the reference.

These king plants love a bit of light, and constantly grow to amazing new lengths when old elephant ears die off. I’m no plantologist or whatever, but they seem to be thriving in my hell cave, so hell yeah.

Babar, and his son Pom. Please admire my children, I’m doing my best.

Peace Lily

Omg as a negligent mother these indoor plants sounds fucking brilliant. Basically, the Peace Lily will literally droop whenever it needs some love and affection (water), which is a great sign for knuckleheads like me who do not speak plant.

Splish splash and suddenly they’re back to good health and looking all sexy again.

So hey, give peace a chance.

Source: Getty Images / y-studio

Pothos Plants

This sucker is literally a dream come true. These babies hate harsh sunlight, which is great for someone who loves keeping plants indoors.

They also have a great time whether the soil is over-watered or desert dry, which means my negligent ways can actually be beneficial to this pretty plant.

Source: Getty Images / Veena Nair

Kalanchoes

Sweet mother of Kalanchoes do I love these plants. I have two, a pink one and an orange one. Since my house has no light, and they love a bit of sun, I left them outside and they literally always bloom in bright colours.

I haven’t watered them once thanks to the occasional rain, and they always look pretty and the colours always POP. Department of Plant Child Services please do not take my sons away from me.

They’re good indoor plants if you’re house has light, but alas, the Cave of Wonders is my home.

Kalanchoes Indoor House Plant
Source: Getty Images / mtreasure

Air Plants

For someone who doesn’t quite understand the whole idea of soil and drainage systems and repotting, I love a good air plant.

No soil is required at all for these floating kings, and they only need the occasional spritz of H2O.

Air Plant
Source: Getty Images / Yasser Chalid