It’s time again for “The race that stops a nation™!”
Or as I, perhaps rather disgustingly, like to refer to it : 24 Horses 1 Cup.
So, whether you’re in the Cup State itself and enjoying a day off or slogging through the first few hours of work so you can make it to booze o’clock, it’s thoroughbreds and your livers’ time to shine!
We came here to drink alcohols and bet on horses and we’re all out of sweepstake slips…
Welcome to the 2013 Pedestrian Melbourne Cup Drinking Game!*
Sip one fingers’worth whenever:
The sentence ‘race that stops a nation’ is uttered. GUYS, THE NATION IS STOPPED. BECAUSE OF THE RACE. THE MELBOURNE CUP RACE. DON’T YA KNOW?!? HAVEN’T YOU HEARD?? Nation, staaahhhp.
You see an A to B Grade celebrity (just kidding. That is no way to get plastered).
A person embarrasses themselves and betrays their savage singularly-lingual tongue trying to say ‘Voleuse de Coeurs.’
Someone attempts a gag and/or ‘bit’ re: the horse called ‘Super Cool.’
You slur the name of the horse ‘Dunaden’ more than when you last said it *infinite loop activated*
A fascinator consists of cat ears / a few beads / a floral crown.
A Waterhouse does something so classic ‘Waterhouse’ that you just want to sick yourself.
BONUS: actually sick yourself if they’re referred to as “racing royalty”
Sip two fingers worth whenever:
All does not seem well in Jockey Town.
Someone froths over the ‘18ct solid gold Hardy Brothers trophy valued at $175,000’.
You see a dude who thinks it is acceptable to wear a trilby.
BONUS also punch yourself in the face if it’s pinstripe to make the pain of looking at it go away.
You can tell that the commentator is totally getting distracted by Kate Upton’s décolletage.
If you never ever win the stupid Melbourne Cup Sweepstake and is this thing fucking rigged or WOT?!
A Channel 7 personality who you’ve never seen before is on screen as if they were a V.I.P.
You see questionable hair extensions on any ladies. Take an extra sip for every inch past ‘home school’ the hair goes.
Take 1 shot:
When the horse ‘Dear Demi’ is mentioned a game of skill automatically begins whereby everyone must come up with a proposed plot for a motion picture called “Dear Demi” starring Demi Moore as herself. Person with the most dud answer is the recipient of the shot.
Neck champagne from the bottle:
If video footage emerges of someone slaughtered in the crowd and it is hilarious.
Commence a waterfall (one person starts drinking then person next to them starts then the next and so on):
When the actual race starts.
Buy a round:
If your horse is victorious over all of the other horses.
Place the true-blue curse upon whomsoever sweepstaked the losing horse. Chant after us:
“Here’s to _____, he/she’ true blue. He/she’s a pisspot through and through. He/She’s a bastard, so they say, tried to get to heaven but he/she went the other way – he/she went DOWNDOWNDOWNDOWNDOWN”
[DOWN’ing intensifies until drink is finished]
If your horse wins:
Treat yourself to a taxi home once the revelry is done (kebab:optional).
If your horse loses:
Try and get home eventually. Fail not-entirely-miserably.
*Any drink mentioned above is, of course, natural spring water. Drink refreshingly!
Pictures by Getty Images