“Why is my mom so embarrassing? how can i stop her from being so embarrassing and embarrassing me so much? and y is she so embarrassing? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr its annoying. and she is so embarrasing [sic],” bemoans a forum from 2008 on Yahoo! Answers that elf Orlando Bloom definitely shared on his Tumblr overnight after his dear sweet mum made a public statement in The Media defending the state of her son’s marriage to High Priestess of Açai, Miranda Kerr, amid rife speculation that the couple are never ever ever getting back together. Like ever.
In order to best clear the ritually purified and dehumidified air that Kerr had shipped from Nepal, Mrs Copeland-Bloom arranged a sit down with The Daily Mail in the Bloom county of Canterbury, Kent, to dispel the unthinkable rumours, saying the couple are “perfectly happy.”
When asked about the rumoured break-up, Mrs Copeland-Bloom (you can call her Sonia or Mrs CB, because she’s a cool mum like that) said, while clutching at her pearls: “Of course not, no. I don’t know where this has come from but, my gosh, they are very happy.”
Do your research Sonia because the rumours are coming from US tabloid rag In Touch, whose sources (Ed. note: ha ha ha ‘sources’) claim the couple are in the process of separation and are “figuring out what to do next.” Whatever that is, the answer is definitely either ‘yoga,’ ‘grateful,’ or ‘tee hee hee Flynn miracle goji.‘
The couple are also reported to not have had any face time in the last few months, which must be hard on their marriage because look at their faces.
This is probably because Bloom is busy being a serious actor in projects that aren’t set in Middle Earth or Elizabethtown and Kerr is busy just being a regular gal; just like you in every way but absolutely not like you in absolutely any respect whatsoever.
It probably hasn’t helped that Kerr has allegedly been “whispering into the ears” of serial discloser of Victoria’s Secret, Leonardo DiCaprio whilst in a variety of clubs where the two have been hanging out with Cameron Diaz [jealous!]. According to The New York Daily News ‘whispering in someone’s ears’ is a thinly-veiled body language code that when broken down means ‘ADULTERY!’ and has nothing at all to do with the loud noises emitted when you’re around clubs/Cameron Diaz.
When asked about the Kerr-Bloom family’s Christmas plans, Sonia said: “Yes, everything is fine – I’m sorry I really can’t say any more to you.” But she had already said too much for her sweet boy Orlando [because your mum speaking to the media on your behalf when you are a grown man is totally embarrassing, right?]. Of course, what Sonia said is nowhere near as bad as this atrocity:
WHO Magazine have also tried to get in on the action by consulting sources of their own that definitely don’t exist. More interesting from WHO’s take on events is Miranda’s insistence that she’ll be eating chicken slow roasted with “garlic, coconut oil, onion, lemon and a little turmeric” this Christmas, instead of white tea brewed by Bhikkuni monks in a tsukubai: “It’s probably mine and Flynn’s favourite dish.” The more you know, or something.
The Kerr-Blooms have been married since 2010 and together have spawned a crippling Narcissus complex and a gigantic love baby called Flynn Bloom, who is so fucking chic and face-punchingly adorable it makes me sick/weep tears of joy, Christmas cheer and wardrobe envy.
I’m not even kidding when I say I would wear/already own pieces from every single one of these outfits. Especially that last one. I literally die.
Photos in order by Larry Busacca, Alberto E. Rodriguez, NCP, Alo Ceballos, Josiah Kamau via Getty
