Good. Great. WONDERFUL. This is excellent news. Very good. Very good indeed.

Public Transport Victoria is due to drop new timetables for Melbourne‘s sprawling tram and train network on May 1st. There’s a number of changes coming for the tram system in particular, largely due to work on the new Metro Tunnel project beginning. From May 1st, for example, the route 8 tram from Toorak to Moreland and the 55 tram from West Coburg to the Domain Interchange both cease to be, replaced by the new 58 tram which will run from Toorak to West Coburg via William Street in the city. Route 6 is being extended from Melbourne University up Lygon Street to Moreland to cover that end of the old 8.

That’s okay, I guess. That kinda had to be done. That much I get.

But they’re also cutting services during morning peak hour on the goddamned 96 from East Brunswick even though passenger loads increased 26% last year because apparently PTV are staffed exclusively by Hydra officials who all harbour a burning intent to see me spontaneously combust.

Fairfax Media reports that, among a raft of other service cuts, the 96 will have three services removed between the hour of 8am and 9am. Because “efficiency,” apparently.

That’s efficient only on the off chance that Yarra Trams is secretly hoarding people to create giant mobile human sardine tins that will be ferried into the mouth of the Luna Park gate which has become sentient and is demanding blood sacrifice.

That makes sense if their goal for efficiency is to prevent anyone from getting to work on-time ever, thereby diluting what the broad standard of efficiency is and making their own shitty low bar look better by comparison.

That is about as efficient as strapping kites to people and hoping a howling northerly blows everyone down Nicholson St.

The other cuts to services largely concern late-night services on routes like the 86 (now 20 minutes between trams from 9:30pm on Fridays), the 19 (four Coburg-bound services slashed from just after 8pm on Friday nights), the 59 (one Sunday night service cut), and the 67 (one Sunday night service cut).

But OH YES. Let’s get after the busiest route in morning fucking peak hour that’s carrying a passenger load that’s *increased* by 26% in the last twelve months because apparently it’s not “efficient” enough as is.

Never mind the fact that it often takes 3 to 4 trams rolling past before one actually has space for more human beings on it.

Never mind the fact that, owing to me being a rather large bloke, the doors often open and I’m faced with the eyes of six people nestled into the armpits of six other people all silently screaming “don’t even fucking think about it” at me.

Never mind the fact that this isn’t gonna solve the bottleneck problem at the Nicholson/Victoria intersection because the city-bound lights only stay green long enough for one tram to get through despite the fact that section of the road services two extremely busy tram routes.

Yeah nah, cutting morning peak hour services is good, actually.

Fuck me sideways.

Source: The Age.

Photo: Inga Rasmussen/Getty.