Oh God, This Email Will Remind You Of Every Shit Housemate You’ve Ever Had

Look, sharehousing can be a shitfight. Everyone’s had a shitty housemate. Room-sharing, by virtue of its intimacy, automatically becomes a far worse affair. We are glad that Australia doesn’t have quite the same college culture, where you’re forced to bunk with idiots for the semester.

Okay so I’m not sure why neither of you responded to my emails, but I don’t really care as long as you both know this and understand that I’m not gonna settle for anything less than what I’m gonna tell you. I’ll take the top bunk of the bunk bed that has a bottom and top bunk. I DO NOT want the single bunk where it has a desk underneath the top bunk, so don’t try and leave me that. I’m also taking one of the white closets. There should be two white closets and I’m taking one of them. I don’t care which one it is, just know I’m taking one of them.

I want the desk that’s near the window. Plain and simple. I don’t care who gets the bottom bunk but just know what I stated is what I’m expecting once I arrive at the dorm and I won’t be in the mood for any arguing or other nonsense because one of you decided to deliberately disregard this email.

If needs be I’ll turn it into a bigger situation so don’t try me. Sorry but not that sorry for the attitude. 

I don’t like being ignored because that’s just rude but that’s what you both decided to do, so I decided to make it clear now on the kind of person I am and what I will and will not take. 

So as a final reminder: I am getting the top bunk bed with the bed on the bottom, I am getting one of the white closets, and I’m getting the desk near the window. 

That’s fair enough to ask considering I’m giving up fighting for the bottom bunk.

There is nothing purer and greater in this world than intensely pass-ag emails between people sharing a house. Everybody has been on the receiving end of a sharp email / text message / iMessage thread about dirty dishes / rent / finding out who shat in the bathroom sink. It’s woven into human nature now. But this is not good.