Of all the awards shows Hollywood shoves into our eyeballs each year, the MTV VMAs has to have the most batshit red carpet fashion.

This isn’t because ~ musicians are artists ~ and it reflects in their fashion choices – bitchhhhh please these people don’t CHOOSE THEIR OUTFITS! They have 4,567 stylists who fight over what is the most “them” gown or suit, and often they get it very, very wrong.

The other reason the VMAs have such insane looks thrown down the red carpet is because there is an absolute plethora of has-been/hasn’t-yet-been/desperately-trying-to-be musos who use their pity invite to this award show as a last ditch attempt to become relevant, by wearing the stupidest fucking shit they possibly can wear. I do not hate these players, but I absolutely hate this game. Lol jk I fucking love it but I stand by the argument that if you choose to be photographed in a superhero outfit, I reserve the right to roast you mercilessly for said outfit.

Let’s get into it, shall we?

SLUGGA

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This person is called “Slugga” and actually doesn’t wear this huge animal head at all times, Daft Punk style. So I don’t know why he has insisted on it today. Well I do – attention – but you’d think pretending to be an alarming human-bear hybrid would not assist your burgeoning (not) rap career, you know? If anything you’re just going to scare all those celebrities you’re trying to mooch off.

ZARA LARSSON

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Remember Zara Larsson? Vaguely? Same – which is why I feel like maybe she could have forgone the Princess Di’s 80s wedding train and chosen something a little less diva-level-dramatic, no?

CAMILA CABELLO

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I’m absolutely obsessed with Camila’s natural hair and I never want to see it straight again, but the weird bodice of this dress is just… well, it looks like the luxe version of Borat’s mankini but with a sarong round the middle, to be frank.

VERONICA VEGA

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I’m all for chain tops and free the nips, what I am not for is money skirts and sock boots. PRINTED sock boots. My actual main issue here is the sock boots. Who wears sock boots anymore? Printed sock boots! Where do you even buy those things!

Printed sock boots. Pssssh.

PEPPERMINT

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Can someone come check on me because I don’t hate this, and that means I’ve got brain worms.

JUJU

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So this is very Studio 54 *if* someone allowed me to run onto the red carpet in a fluster, rip those goddamn puff-sleeve shoulder pads out and pull that plunge in JUST a tad. Then we’d be talking.

WHITNEY PORT

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Whitney Port is absolutely counting every goddamn second left of her contract with MTV which forces her to attend these events. But she’s doing it in style, folks. Very minimalist, borderline beige couch stain style. But style nonetheless.

FETTY WAP

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OH MY GOD I completely forgot about this until now:

Fucken TRAP QUEEN. Christ, what a memory. There was a time when I recorded like, 40 different Dubsmashes to this and they are all worse than the last. No one will ever see them. I’m going to throw my phone into the ocean now, bye.

JAMES CHARLES

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I’ve gotta say, when you’re trying to slowly claw your way back from being cancelled, this is the outfit to do it in. It’s dramatic but not beyond the James Charles vibe, and there’s a definite sheepish look in his eyes. His eyes are saying “I know you all think I’m a piece of shit, but believe my story about needing Sugar Bear Hair’s security at Coachella, I was but a scared little boy in need of protection from the masses”.

A$AP FERG

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Here’s how you know you’re getting old. You wear white grandpa sneakers but they look like actual grandpa sneakers on you, and you team them with golf pants and peace signs.

LENNY KRAVITZ

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Lenny Kravitz is like 55 but he can absolutely get it x 1000, any day of the week, even in those aggressively pointy white boots.

JONAS BROS

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Why is Nick Jonas is a parachuting suit with sensible work wedges?

Why is Kevin Jonas wearing remedial Kumfs?

FKA TWIGS

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HEAVEN. A vision.

BLACK CHYNA

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Normally I’d be into this (guys, it’s pink you know how I feel about pink) but why is one side dangerously close to the nip and the other abnormally high? It’s reminding me of this, big time:

HAILEE STEINFELD

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I’m so scarred by the sheer volume of nonsensical outfits so far that I will just allow this because it’s fine and not shit.

ADRIANA LIMA

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I dunno why Adriana decided to wear her togs with a repurposed green garbo bag on top but here we are.

LAUV

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Ok this guy is just here because every goddamn photo, he is like mid-movement. No one has trained him for this. His stance says “I’m trying, please love me for it”. He wants your approval. He needs it. Please love Lauv. Someone take his hand and squeeze it, I beg of you.

DIPLO

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I don’t know what it is about this man but every time he rolls out this absolutely ridiculous faux-cowboy bullshit something stirs in my ovaries. I need him. I want him. Him and all his horrible embroidered idiotic cowboy shit. I want the hat left ON, if you are picking up what I’m putting down. ON AT ALL TIMES, COWBOY DIPLO.

GIBSON HAZARD

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The conspiracy theories are true! Andy Warhol is ALIVE!!!

ALISON BRIE

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I don’t say this in a prudey dudey way because fuck it, boobs rule get ’em out – but you know how there’s sexy plunging and then there’s “I think maybe those are meant to be suspenders”? This is the latter.

TAINY

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Please, please, please tell me XXL suits from the Salvos section that’s been lost to the void are not becoming a thing in some niche culture world anywhere. I simply must hope that “Tainy” (worst name) is alone in this.

BIG SEAN

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I should hate this because it is essentially a velour tracksuit worn with NOTHING UNDERNEATH (this gives me hives, once when I was 8 I wore a jumper to school for mufti with no top underneath and it ended up being 30C) but for some reason Big Sean’s made it work.

2 CHAINZ

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2 Chainz’s stylist absolutely rummaged through Anna Wintour’s donations bag, pulled this coat out and forced it onto a reluctant 2 Chainz, who is now walking the red carpet like a 10-year-old ring-bearer at their mum’s second wedding.

TREVOR MORAN

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WHAT.

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THE FUCK.

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ARE YOU DOING.

GIGI & BELLA HADID

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I actually get this sort of “beige couch but make is sexy and twins” thing but on close inspection, all of these items are fashion crimes. Gigi’s ill-fitting pants. Bella’s plastic shoe strap making her foot look like a Hobbit’s. The knee-length hipster skirt with SUSPENDERS. What is this Bella, lunatic asylum but make it sexy? A slightly mouldy baguette but make it fashion? When you’ve got the VMAs but need to be strapped down to get packed into checked baggage on your flight home?

It was a bold move Cotton and they frankly FUCKED IT.

LIL NAS X

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MY GOD. Best on ground, hands down. This is a vision. It’s inspired. It’s…

PRINCE DEREK DOLL

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I cannot even Google this person but I am 100% here for this whole Mugatu situation. Some people can be dramatic fucks on red carpets, and some can’t. Prince Derek Doll can, partially because he has called himself Prince Derek Doll.

SARA BIVENS & CALVIT HODGE

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Ok these two are dancers, but I’ve included them because I actually think this is a good example of dramatic red carpet appearances when you’re not a thing, but gone good? Like YES Sara’s shirt seems to be tied to her pants so she probably is face-planting 0.002 seconds after this pic is taken, but they’ve couple-dressed without obviously couple-dressing and the result is that they caught my eye but not in a “why are you wearing a merkin on the red carpet” way, you know?

TAYLOR SWIFT

MTV VMAs
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I’m sorry I just am NOT on board with Twee Taylor, why is she back? Why? No one is naturally this twee. I don’t believe it. I miss sexy Taylor the grown up. This outfit is all oooo look at my QUIRKY JACKET DRESS with my QUIRKY WEIRD-SHAPED CIRCUS TOP and my CUTESY SIDE-EYE, fuck off.

Taylor look at moiiiie, look at moiiie. Now I’ve got two things to say to you Taylor.

  1. Wear pants.
  2. Wear fucking pants.

LIZZO

MTV VMAs
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Lizzo could wear something from the bargain bin at Valley Girl and still somehow make it look like custom-made designer. She has that energy, you know? ANYONE ELSE, literally anyone, wearing a feather boa and a sequinned dress with “Siren” printed on it would look like a fucking try hard idiot but on Lizzo it’s magic, I cannot fault it, and then we’ve got the siren hair and that stained red lip…. obsessed.

AVA MAX

MTV VMAs
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Here is the first in a series of people who have decided not to politely cover up their desperation and instead parade that stink all down this sacred red carpet. How dare. Ava Max is a singer according to Google, but is also apparently a very sub-par superhero who wears a nappy, judging by that ill-fitting frontbum area on her jumpsuit. Honestly, if you’re going to do “faux superhero chic”, which is questionable at best, at least make sure your vinyl fits properly.

STEFAN BENZ

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Someone needs to tell this child’s parents to quit it, this kid seems to have been a very stagnant-puddle-level of a “thing” since he was quite young, and frankly if you haven’t made it before your awkward pubescent years you are not gonna make it. Sunglasses on the red carpet are not going to work, you simply have not made it sweet child. Let this precocious and annoying kid go to high school and join the band, then get his head flushed in a toilet but it doesn’t matter because he’s found his people and will one day leave that hellhole and go to college, and be this total nerd stud who rules the campus and… anyway, you get it.

KEKE PALMER

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This to me is quite formal for the MTV VMAs, but the colour is amazing and Keke looks phenomenal in said colour (not a mean feat – this kind of yellow would look like vomit on me). The whole thing looks itchy as FUCK, you couldn’t pay me enough to wear it but I won’t deny it is a good vibe.

UPDATE. Oh dear, I’ve found a new photo of Keke.

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Look if her clutch was shaped like a blinged-out 80s phone, I’d be here for it. But her clutch is that other gold bullion looking thing. WHY HAVE YOU GOT A FAKE PHONE, KEKE.

Hugo Gloss

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This guy is a YouTuber so he is also irrelevant here amongst the Lizzo’s and the Taylor Swift’s, but I do feel like this is how you do eye-catching on the red carpet without being a fucking loser. I am far more partial to useless sunglasses than I am to actual sunglasses on a red carpet. At least you’re not out here pretending to be blinded by all the paparazzi flashes you aren’t actually copping, you know?

TANA MONGEAU

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Oh No.

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Oh nooooooooooooo. NO NO NO.

Firstly ANIMALS AREN’T ACCESSORIES YOU FUCK, leave that poor snake alone. Let it go eat some delicious mice or something in peace, the absolute last place it wants to be is wrapped around your despo hands with 4,000 flashing bulbs accosting it’s delicate eyes, and then probably being shoved into a box and left in the corner of the cloak room. STOP THIS.

Secondly, I initially was into the rest of the outfit bc I thought it was some magical gilded material that looked like dripping gold. But now I have realised it’s just a cheapo lycra printed with the images of dripping gold. So. there are no winners here, only the sad lost eyes of Sergei the Snake.

SHAWN MENDES

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I was never a Shawn Mendes fan until this very second – look at those CHEEKBONES. Look at this TEAL SUIT. I’m in two minds about the exposed Chesty Bonds singlet but I’m also picking up the sexy Elvis before the banana and bacon sandwiches vibes, so I’ll allow it.

Check back as the big names start bothering to show up, late as per usual!! 

Image: Getty Images