There is literally no event on Earth that means more to me than the MTV VMAs. It’s so chock-full of attention seeking assholes, and nobodies with stupid fake names… oh man. I love it? I just love it a lot.
Naturally, given the sheer volume of narcissistic dickheads that grace it’s red carpet, there are plenty of absolutely wild getups to be dissected and analysed. Which I will do for you, because that is… my job.
Here we go. Strap in, fuckos.
MILLIE BOBBY BROWN
Fuck me that Millie, a literal PRE-TEEN, is more fashionable than I’ll ever be.
Frankie forever looks like that guy who corners you at a house party to tell you about their amazing idea for a podcast/reality TV series/radio show/YouTube interactive whatever. Just extremely KEEN on EVERYTHING and also a NETWORKER, you know?
FARRAH & SOPHIE ABRAHAM
Do not try and tell me that Sophie will not appear on Celebrity Big Brother in 10 years time lamenting her years as a forced child star.
YAAAASSSS WINNIE this is how you fucking do red carpet! Cannot fault this.
Yeah, I’m OK with this actually.
Oh look it’s me when I thought berets were a good idea in 2008.
PETE DAVIDSON & ARIANA GRANDE
Ari’s up in here giving us robot realness and Pete’s like “I just came back from the Caltex choccy run”.
Who is Marshmello? A few concepts here: Melania Trump’s way of expressing herself musically. The host of Grand Designs. Noni Hazlehurst. Kris Jenner.
NOAH CYRUS & LIL XAN
IT’S NOT A PHASE, MOM. I REALLY LOVE HIM I SWEAR.
Who invited dad.
AMARA LA NEGRA
My absolute, 10/10 red carpet fave. The colour, the shape, the makeup – EVERYTHING WORKS. I’m even accepting the cape, and you know how much I generally abhor capes.
Smokerpupp. This man has decided the best possible fake name for himself… is Smokerpupp. Also your t-shirt makes no sense, Smokerpupp. It’s like wait… the sound of the drum ISN’T calling? The sound of the drum is calling, but we should not listen?
CHLOE X HALLE
When mum makes you and your sister dress the same.
Who invited Diane Keaton circa First Wives Club?
OFFSET AND QUAVO
Who are these people? God I’m old. I’M OLD AND DECREPIT I MAY AS WELL BE IN RETIREMENT. There is so much happening here. Snakeskin sleeves on old mate. Noh Doh or something on the other dude’s hands. A Vuitton old man hat. Wow.
When Snooki looks the most normal, you know shit’s weird.
I mean, it’s fine? It kind of looks like she’s rocked up at the wrong event tbh. No place for ball gowns at the VMAs.
Ugh it’s like yes Amber, an extreme mood. But also it’s not Halloween. I kind of want this minus the mask and then we’re talking.
Ken is absolutely questioning a) his manager’s decision for him to attend the VMAs with all these scary young people and b) his stylist’s decision to allow him to wear such a normie outfit on the red carpet.
Nikki looks like an Upper East Side mum who was looking for the bathroom and accidentally walked onto the VMAs red carpet.
That is a t-shirt bra worn as a top. NO. Stop this.
I love so much about this and not from a fashion perspective – although the pants can stay, IMO. I love how she’s gently holding her top open to present her bedazzled breast. I love how she’s also holding the OTHER half of her top closed, because only one breast may henceforth be revealed in it’s glory. And I love imagining how she walked around like this after the photo wall moment.
How does one acquire a rig this ripped? Do you just eat raw eggs like Gaston and then lie on the office floor doing sit-ups every hour? Asking for a friend.
Here’s a thing, I hate this, I hate the weird circle pattern, it looks like a bad IKEA rug, but then Tiffany has SUCH an oozing confidence about her, like she screams “lol binch IDGAF what you think” that I feel obliged to like it? It’s Regina George levels of persuasion here.
How has Tyga not collapsed from anxiety – his ex and her new partner are RIGHT THERE, not to mention is ex-ex who had a baby with his ex’s brotheeeeer! FUCK TYGA JUST GO SIT IN THE LOO FOR A FEW HOURS, WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS.
This is peak “guys, HEY GUYS, my dress has SPLITS and bc of that I must shove my legs through the splits for any/all photos”.
I don’t know who you are Algee, but your hip dips are doing things to me.
Imagine someone putting this monstrosity on you, and you look in the mirror and go “yes.This is it. This is the outfit. But also, I will add see through sockettes.”
THE WOMAN DOES NOT AGE. She’s a fucking monster. An ageless, vampiric monster from the deep. She also NAILED IT in this getup. Fuck yeah, glomesh!
You know what, it’s Blac Chyna and her schtick is this whole “I am OK to sit uncomfortably with chains digging into my nips” vibe, so I’m going to say this is good. On her, you know? Not on, say, Blake Lively.
Another day, another forced leg-through-split moment.
Yep, into it.
Yeah look, it’s fine.
SPENCER & HEIDI PRATT + BABY
I didn’t even realise these guys had a kid. I’m a terrible Hills fan. IDK I mean these guys are just stuck in 2007, hey. Like someone call the highlighter police on Heidi’s face, and someone burn Spencer’s awful bro coat.
Snoozeville Arizona, Kylie. Like HI IT’S THE VMAs AND YOU ARE FIVE YEARS OLD WITH NO CELLULITE, do something cool. Wear some glomesh. Listen to your buddy J.LO.
I mean FUCK she must be uncomfortable but DAMN NICKI.
Someone needs to reboot Travis Scott, he’s run out of batteries.
This is what “smiling through the pain” looks like, everyone.