There is literally no event on Earth that means more to me than the MTV VMAs. It’s so chock-full of attention seeking assholes, and nobodies with stupid fake names… oh man. I love it? I just love it a lot.

Naturally, given the sheer volume of narcissistic dickheads that grace it’s red carpet, there are plenty of absolutely wild getups to be dissected and analysed. Which I will do for you, because that is… my job.

Here we go. Strap in, fuckos.

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018

Fuck me that Millie, a literal PRE-TEEN, is more fashionable than I’ll ever be.

FRANKIE GRANDE

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Frankie forever looks like that guy who corners you at a house party to tell you about their amazing idea for a podcast/reality TV series/radio show/YouTube interactive whatever. Just extremely KEEN on EVERYTHING and also a NETWORKER, you know?

FARRAH & SOPHIE ABRAHAM

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Do not try and tell me that Sophie will not appear on Celebrity Big Brother in 10 years time lamenting her years as a forced child star.

WINNIE HARLOW

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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YAAAASSSS WINNIE this is how you fucking do red carpet! Cannot fault this.

RITA ORA

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018

Yeah, I’m OK with this actually.

GRACE VANDERWAAL

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Oh look it’s me when I thought berets were a good idea in 2008.

PETE DAVIDSON & ARIANA GRANDE

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Ari’s up in here giving us robot realness and Pete’s like “I just came back from the Caltex choccy run”.

MARSHMELLO

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018

Who is Marshmello? A few concepts here: Melania Trump’s way of expressing herself musically. The host of Grand Designs. Noni Hazlehurst. Kris Jenner.

NOAH CYRUS & LIL XAN

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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IT’S NOT A PHASE, MOM. I REALLY LOVE HIM I SWEAR.

MICHAEL AVENATTI

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Who invited dad.

AMARA LA NEGRA

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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My absolute, 10/10 red carpet fave. The colour, the shape, the makeup – EVERYTHING WORKS. I’m even accepting the cape, and you know how much I generally abhor capes.

SMOKERPUPP

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Smokerpupp. This man has decided the best possible fake name for himself… is Smokerpupp. Also your t-shirt makes no sense, Smokerpupp. It’s like wait… the sound of the drum ISN’T calling? The sound of the drum is calling, but we should not listen?

CHLOE X HALLE

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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When mum makes you and your sister dress the same.

BLAKE LIVELY

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018

Who invited Diane Keaton circa First Wives Club?

LIL PUMP

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Why tho.

OFFSET AND QUAVO

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Who are these people? God I’m old. I’M OLD AND DECREPIT I MAY AS WELL BE IN RETIREMENT. There is so much happening here. Snakeskin sleeves on old mate. Noh Doh or something on the other dude’s hands. A Vuitton old man hat. Wow.

SNOOKI

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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When Snooki looks the most normal, you know shit’s weird.

CAMILA CABELLO

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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I mean, it’s fine? It kind of looks like she’s rocked up at the wrong event tbh. No place for ball gowns at the VMAs.

AMBER ROSE

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
 Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images

Ugh it’s like yes Amber, an extreme mood. But also it’s not Halloween. I kind of want this minus the mask and then we’re talking.

KEN JEONG

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Ken is absolutely questioning a) his manager’s decision for him to attend the VMAs with all these scary young people and b) his stylist’s decision to allow him to wear such a normie outfit on the red carpet.

NIKKI HILTON

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Nikki looks like an Upper East Side mum who was looking for the bathroom and accidentally walked onto the VMAs red carpet.

LILLY BARRIOS

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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That is a t-shirt bra worn as a top. NO. Stop this.

SKY

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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I love so much about this and not from a fashion perspective – although the pants can stay, IMO. I love how she’s gently holding her top open to present her bedazzled breast. I love how she’s also holding the OTHER half of her top closed, because only one breast may henceforth be revealed in it’s glory. And I love imagining how she walked around like this after the photo wall moment.

TEYANA TAYLOR

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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How does one acquire a rig this ripped? Do you just eat raw eggs like Gaston and then lie on the office floor doing sit-ups every hour? Asking for a friend.

TIFFANY HADDISH

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Here’s a thing, I hate this, I hate the weird circle pattern, it looks like a bad IKEA rug, but then Tiffany has SUCH an oozing confidence about her, like she screams “lol binch IDGAF what you think” that I feel obliged to like it? It’s Regina George levels of persuasion here.

TYGA

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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How has Tyga not collapsed from anxiety – his ex and her new partner are RIGHT THERE, not to mention is ex-ex who had a baby with his ex’s brotheeeeer! FUCK TYGA JUST GO SIT IN THE LOO FOR A FEW HOURS, WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS.

KARLIE KLOSS

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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This is peak “guys, HEY GUYS, my dress has SPLITS and bc of that I must shove my legs through the splits for any/all photos”.

ALGEE SMITH

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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I don’t know who you are Algee, but your hip dips are doing things to me.

TANA MONGEAU

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Imagine someone putting this monstrosity on you, and you look in the mirror and go “yes.This is it. This is the outfit. But also, I will add see through sockettes.”

J.LO

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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THE WOMAN DOES NOT AGE. She’s a fucking monster. An ageless, vampiric monster from the deep. She also NAILED IT in this getup. Fuck yeah, glomesh!

BLAC CHYNA

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
 Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images

You know what, it’s Blac Chyna and her schtick is this whole “I am OK to sit uncomfortably with chains digging into my nips” vibe, so I’m going to say this is good. On her, you know? Not on, say, Blake Lively.

OLIVIA MUNN

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Another day, another forced leg-through-split moment.

BEBE REXHA

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Yep, into it.

IGGY AZALEA

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Yeah look, it’s fine.

SPENCER & HEIDI PRATT + BABY

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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I didn’t even realise these guys had a kid. I’m a terrible Hills fan. IDK I mean these guys are just stuck in 2007, hey. Like someone call the highlighter police on Heidi’s face, and someone burn Spencer’s awful bro coat.

KYLIE JENNER

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Snoozeville Arizona, Kylie. Like HI IT’S THE VMAs AND YOU ARE FIVE YEARS OLD WITH NO CELLULITE, do something cool. Wear some glomesh. Listen to your buddy J.LO.

NICKI MINAJ

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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I mean FUCK she must be uncomfortable but DAMN NICKI.

TRAVIS SCOTT

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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Someone needs to reboot Travis Scott, he’s run out of batteries.

PAULY D

Please Behold The Most Batshit Of Batshit Red Carpets, The MTV VMAs 2018
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This is what “smiling through the pain” looks like, everyone.

Image: Getty Images