The MTV Video Music Awards for 2012 have happened. Gotye was in contention for a few gongs but lost out to insanely popular competition like Rihanna, Beyonce and One Direction – not a bad way to miss out. The VMAs usually feature some deliriously heinous fashion choices, but this year the stars of the pop music world kept things pretty reserved – if a bit boring. Let’s take a look at who wore what, and allocate scores from one to five stars.
I love Rihanna when she retreats from her ghetto-fab vibe and keeps it simple instead. This body hugging white number with a low back (Calvin Klein, Gucci, Tom Ford?) is heaven against her complexion. The new hair cut isn’t my favourite, but with a dial that fine the girl can go bald for all I care. Great makeup too. Four stars.
Bitch please. Taylor Swift does the virginal vamp in a white J.Mendel tuxedo, red lips and amazing gold sandals by Tom Ford. Tay wears white a lot – possibly to offset the fact she’s a known destroyer of men. She is going to make a meal of some poor unsuspecting dude tonight. Quite excellent. Four stars.
The titular We Need To Talk About Kevin actor Ezra Miller wears a paisley shirt, what appears to be a horrific wooden bead necklace and the most alarming gold-detail brown suit I’ve ever seen in my life. Scratch that. It’s the ONLY gold-detail brown suit I’ve ever seen and thank god for that. Reliably stylish Emma Watson chooses boldly coloured cute Peter Pilotto look with heels by Kanye West. Three and a half stars for her, one and a half for him.
Nicki Minaj has yellow hair and tremendous drag makeup. Her shoes are embellished Louboutins and her outfit is your basic lace onesie with red sequined trim. NBD. All in all this look is both fabulous and fucking hideous. Two and a half stars.
UK singer Rita Ora is clearly an adorable individual but this embellished-to-the-hilt Pucci jumpsuit is not. Anything that has a large v-shaped mesh panel pointing to the parts of the female body that start with that same letter [VAGINA! VULVA!] isn’t great. Nor is her hair and makeup. The Sergio Rossi heels are perfect though. Two stars.
One Direction appear to be getting smashed by a strong Westerly breeze.
You know what? I’m actually not hating Miley Cyrus‘s attempt to be Angelina Jolie. Yes the vert hair is an issue, but this strange black mesh-paneled gothic Emilio Pucci thing (that I adored on the Fall 2012 runway) is kind of chic right?
Okay, so I can clearly see the tag, the fabric is pulling all over the shop and the hem is a mess. Her makeup is pretty though? Two stars.
Pink looks great in fabulous silver Stella McCartney. I am cool with vert hair when it’s on Pink because that’s her whole schtick isn’t it. Three and a half stars.
The only person who can wear white mandals and a double-breasted white dinner jacket on the red carpet and still maintain maximum poise is the unflappably stylish RuPaul. Four stars.
Whenever I see Zoe Saldana I feel like experimenting with bisexuality. Four stars.
Look how goddamn amazing Alicia Keys‘ body is. Now look at this pewter silk puddle of disappointment. One and a half stars.
Ke$ha your attitude stinks mate. She’s got a cute really un-Ke$ha-ish frock going on, but ruined it with a bad choice of shoes, stupid hair and a lousy smirk. Two stars.
This just in Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose are having a baby. Amber Rose gets zero stars for having foundation all over her lips and Wiz Khalifa gets five stars for his amazing footwear. Together they average out at two and a half stars.
Chris Brown. No stars ever.
Photos by Christopher Polk for Getty Images.