Mother’s Day is this weekend, so cue millions of kids nation-wide scouring the internet trying to work out what a woman 50+ wants as a present. Guys, I am not fucking with you – Mother’s Day shopping is hard. Buying for your mum? Borderline impossible. The woman owns everything she wants and has become so hyper-selective about her taste, she’s almost impossible to buy for.

Maybe you disagree, and you think it’s easy to buy for Mum. Well, my friend, this is when I tell you that your mother, the woman who borned you into this world – has hated every single present you’ve ever given her. Sorry! It’s true! If you think you’re killing it, it’s probably just because your Mum is really good at faking her happiness over your pressie.

This is a definitive list of presents Mums don’t hate with the fire of a thousand suns – we asked all our mums, that’s how we know.

1. A Bunnings Voucher

I shit you not, every Mum in Australia will froth a Bunnings voucher. Why? Because that damn store has everything Mums actually like in life – stuff to do up the house with, plants, and tools to fix things your Father keeps forgetting to fix, the useless piece of shit.

My Mum for example is definitely the Tim The Tool Man of our household – she’s always finding creaky hinges and dripping taps to fix. My 2019 Bunnings voucher will probably go toward the new electric secateurs she’s been eyeing off.

2. GOOD Candles

Read this very, very carefully. There are good candles, and then there are horrible cheap nasty candles that smell like your grandma’s potpourri collection. You should not spend less than $40 on the candle, and you should probably just follow my brand list here – Ecoya, any candle from Mecca, Glasshouse, Lumira and Voluspa. I’ve probably forgotten some but if you’re stuck – that list. Stick to it.

3. Some Sort Of Family-Related Framed Photo

This is an ALWAYS WIN. Mums love photos of their kids – they will happily have 4,503 photos of their kids and family adorning the walls, floors, and other hard surfaces of their home. You can’t pull this one out every year, but if you didn’t gift this in 2018 – now’s your time to shine, babey!

A few notes – get a frame that matches your Mum’s decor (do not – I repeat, do not – get one of those “love forever” tacky dollar shop things) and choose a pic that involves you and your fam actually looking like you like each other. And don’t be an asshole – make sure everyone in the photo looks good, not just yourself yeah?

4. A Voucher For A Massage

I can’t think of a single person on Earth who doesn’t like a massage, can you? Maybe people who have issues with being touched. That would probably but a dampener on the relaxation element, I suppose. Anyway – Mums are always complaining about doing all the work around here, and what is this a hotel, and oh my back is out because I’m always picking up after everyone even though you don’t live here anymore. The point being – her back, it’s sore. Give her a massage voucher. Ideally at a fancy place.

5. Some Tchotchke From Some Overseas Trip You Did

Another thing Mums totally love are you thinking of them when you’re not in their presence. They love it! This is likely not going to help you for 2019, but next year – buy your Mum something when you’re in Vienna. Like a nice handmade bowl by some local pottery artist or some shit. Or a woven rug from this really cool market you went to. Who cares! Anything! Then gift it to her on Mother’s Day, saying you thought of her WAY BACK THEN and knew it was the PERFECT GIFT. Fuck, you’ll be the favourite kid in seconds.

6. A Phone Call

Okay if nothing else – call your Mum, yeah? Mums, they love the phone calls. If you don’t live in the same city as your Mum and also managed to forget it was Mother’s Day this Sunday, here’s your reminder to CALL THE WOMAN WHO RAISED YOU. Unless she is the absolute worst demon alive, in which case you get a free pass to continue ignoring her forever, IMO.

Image: Getty Images