Michelangelo’s technically ***flawless NSFW figurine of David – a chill sizeist bro with a neat slingshot and a killer smize – is on the verge of collapsing, according to experts who have denounced his ankles as “weak” due to the use of poor quality Carrara marble and the skipping of Leg Day every week for over some five centuries.
According to an incrementally breaking report in the ABC, tests by the National Research Council and Florence University have confirmed that the statue’s forward leaning contrapposto pose and top-heavy construction (in art historian parlance, whack proportions) are also to blame for the failure of David’s slowly-waning, untenable face-off with gravity.
Also not helping: being carved five hundred years ago from a single block of marble 4.3m in height and as old as time itself which was delivered to Michelangelo already flawed; centuries of exposure to the elements, riots and vandals with a vendetta against his big toe; and the vibrations from the millions of Teva-footed tourists who stand cowering before his majesty every year, pretending they aren’t taking photos of his li’l D and the graceful, curvilinear contouring that leads the eye upward toward the Heavens.
“Micro-fractures are visible in the left ankle and the carved tree stump (that bears some of David’s weight), threatening the stability of the sculpture,” the research council has warned in a statement that, if anything, should give you all the impetus you need to book a ticket to Florence yesterday.
In related news, shout out to the Haters who said taking a class in High Renaissance Art would never come in handy for anything, ever.
Photo: Franco Origilia via Getty