*sings extremely loudly even though it’s goddamn early in the morning* IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEEEEAR! Yes guys that’s right it’s time for Met Gala 2019 festivities, the biggest fashion moment if all you care about is celebrities wearing things you definitely can’t shuffle down to the corner shop in.
Every year the celebs roll up to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC wearing the uncomfortable clothing items of my worst nightmares. Nightmares in which I am forced to endure hours of needle-like things stabbing me in the abdomen or wearing head-to-toe scratchy wool. That kind. But we love it, and jokes aside a LOT of work goes into these outfits and while there’s some absolute borza shit paraded down the red carpet, there’s also some feats of sartorial genius that are worthy of a museum. Which is good bc some of this stuff will actually end up in a museum.
There are glaring omissions from Beyoncé (why) and Rihanna (WHY), but don’t worry there’s plenty for us to make sweeping statements about. Also, many birds probably plucked to an inch of their lives. I’m calling the Bird Police.
Anyway BLAH BLAH BLAH who cares about what I’m blabbering on about (I don’t even know, it is VERY early in the morning and my boyfriend made me a really small coffee which he promised would be a really big one, I will never forgive him for this) – here’s all the celebs as they arrive, plus my questionable commentary!
A real mood would be seeing Emily later on, sitting in a Maccas eating a Big Mac meal with large fries and a 6 pack of nuggets in this. Or if she was me, drunkenly sitting in the gutter a spewing while her Uber driver yells at her not to get any on her dress because if it goes in his car, it’s gonna cost $200 in cleaning fees.
The man is Lord Of Camp, so he can do whatever the fuck he wants really. Including hot pink stripy sequinned flares.
JOE JONAS & SOPHIE TURNER
This is majestic, what a way to walk a pink carpet as husband and wife for the first time, no? Also bring back mens turtlenecks they do things to me.
Okay I get that the singlet is meant to be some sort of high/low fashion thing but no, you can afford a proper formal top, this is not acceptable.
IDRIS ELBA & SABRINA DHOWRE
Idris is the hottest man alive I don’t give a shit what he wears, just be present always hotty hotterson. I’m into the rose gold hue from head to foot with Sabrina, but I do think this dress could have been more dramatic.
I’m feeling Wonder Woman vibes, no?
Kacey LITERALLY went as Barbie, right down to the creepy dead-in-the-eyes look.
BELLA HADID & JEREMY SCOTT
These people will push in front of you in the club line and then punch the bouncer out when he won’t let them in.
Best on ground, in my opinion.
I am GENUINELY concerned for how many birds have perished to make all these feather throws and so on, like can we not? Winnie didn’t even need it for this outfit, it’s so excellent standalone. But also, Celine is coming for you for stealing her headpiece idea, beb.
LILY ROSE DEPP
This woman is so drop dead gorgeous it should be a crime. This dress is very 90s Versace, it’s heaven.
Good LORD, what a Rihanna moment. I wouldn’t expect anything less from Cardi B. Bonus – she can have a little nap in her train later on, when the partying becomes too much.
J.LO AND ALEX RODRIGUEZ
If you take off the spangly headdress then JLO’s just worn something she owned from her 2006 pop star days, really.
WHAT IS HAPPENING MY EYES HURT.
Yes, obsessed, the perfect level of OTT.
Even more obsessed/want to eat her cane bc it’s probably made of Jolly Ranchers.
KENDALL & KYLIE JENNER
I was actually expecting worse than this to be honest, so I was pleasantly surprised the Jenner girls didn’t fuck this up royally. Although I am quite concerned for the bird population of Calabasas considering how many feathers are present here.
It’s fine but I expected more from Nicki.
Is it really pretty or is it just an old Big Bird costume repurposed.
She’s really going to regret letting her hairstylist clamp-iron her hair into cardboard tomorrow.
No. Do better.
God she’s a mood. Never change.
Did some people just get their duds from last year’s Heavenly Bodies theme and repurpose them for this? Stop it.
The woman is using her hair. As a whip. HER HAIR IS A WHIP. THIS IS ICONIC. It’s also very useful for sex games and/or actually whipping D-grade celebrities out of the way.
Look normally I wouldn’t let a cape go without bitching about it but there’s something about Kate Moss that just ALLOWS for things, you know? She’s so eternally chic and cool that you start letting critiques slip.
Ugh no stop. This isn’t the time to play Cinderella, OK? SAVE THIS FOR YOUR HOME, ZENDAYA.
Absolutely yes. Yes yes yes also, I’m scared.
MILEY CYRUS & LIAM HEMSWORTH
Miley has made the fatal faux-pas of a dress you cannot sit in, teamed with shoes you can barely walk in. What will she do? Be carried in like a mannequin and have Liam massage her sore feet every hour on the hour?
I thought about it, and then decided that yes this is great.
I actually adore this. It’s the perfect mix of chic and weird, you know? IDK if I’d say it fits to theme but hey, there’s always 50% of celebs who don’t even fucking bother (paging Kim and Kanye) so at least something is happening here.
BORING AND ITCHY.
PRIYANKA CHOPRA & NICK JONAS
Priyanka is unrecognisable here! Props to that makeup because for a minute I thought she’d done one of those horrific painted-eyelid situations, which should be banned along with costumes where the persons head is hidden. NOPE. DON’T ENJOY. Also is anyone else turned on a bit by Nick’s dirty mo? Just me?
Like, it’s cute but it’s just directly off the Viktor & Rolf runway. So IDK.
HELL YES this is insane/perfect.
KANYE WEST & KIM KARDASHIAN
Jesus Christ these guys just phoned it in on this one, didn’t they? Kanye literally looks like my dad when it’s casual Fridays at his office.
Love. If you don’t want to get insane with the costumes, this is how to do it – stay on theme in some way, people! Don’t just wear tuxedos!
When in doubt, wear a large piece of fabric attached to scary poles and start spinning around, knocking other celebrities to the ground so you remain the star.
I could get mad about yet another dead flamingo being worn fresh from the murder farm, but I also really like Yara’s bespangled tights.
HELL YEAH TIFFANY WITH THE ZEBRA GLITTER FLARES.
As a fan of ye olde period dramas, I approve of this sexy male courtesan vibe. Although the material looks like it was from the bargain bin at Spotlight.
He’s literally in a tracksuit. But also, it’s Frank Ocean. Remember when he maybe hooked up with Riccardo Tisci one year? And Tisci posted a “don’t leave” Instagram or something? Damn, what a good time that was.
Christ he has to be uncomfortable as FUCK with all that stabby sequin going on. Have you ever worn sequinned pants? They are NOT a good time, my friend. But who cares when you look this epic, I suppose. Just buy bulk Dermaid and a Phenergan and deal with the aftermath.
I’m not entirely convinced the 1920s flapper is camp, but I do enjoy her sparkly hair extension.
No. This is not the time to dress up as a fairy, even if you missed out on fairy parties as a kid. Do not.
Florence is my forever style icon and a permanent angel, she can do no wrong.
YESSSS DARREN FUCK YES. I want to bone him immediately and also encase him in a glass shrine inside a museum.
I love the top half, and then the bottom half just looks like her stylist fused her legs together in some sort of revenge power move.
ABBEY LEE KERSHAW
I know I shut down Madelaine for dressing like a toddler at a kids party, and Abbey is kiiiind of doing the same thing. But I love this. Sorry! I get to wildly make sweeping statements and then go back on them whenever I want!
I feel like this would have worked better for the Heavenly Bodies theme last year. But also, it’s pretty damn fab.
KRIS JENNER & COREY GAMBLE
I actually wish Kris didn’t wear the wig because I’m obsessed with her chic crop. The jacket is cool, the brooch is not, and Corey is, as always, an attractive mannequin Kris brought to life, Frankenstein style.
BORING. BLAH. MEH. I’M BORED. Also fuck how many flamingos have died today? Tomorrows news: flamingos are extinct, sorry.
JEMIMA KIRKE & LENA DUNHAM
Looner and Rubberist are names for sexual fetishes, I have learnt from my 0.005 second Google search. I do wish they were just entirely encased in rubber but also that would bring on about 40 different yeast infections, so.
MARY-KATE & ASHLEY OLSEN
Just because you wore full length leather jackets that look really cool, doesn’t mean you worked to theme and get a pass ladies.
MORE DEAD FLAMINGOS.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH & SOPHIE HUNTER
Now this is heaven. This is just… it’s so good. Mom and Dad, big time.
CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG & RAMI MALEK
my other Mom and Dad if I was a more artistic and creative bohemian child who lived in an Earth House in the middle of a forest.
This is so fun, I love it.
This looks so itchy, I hate it.
This looks like she murdered an endangered flamingo and wore it, blood still dripping, onto the pink carpet. Which to be honest is exactly what I would expect from the scariest fashion magazine editor of all time.
How good does Serena look! How gorgeous is this frock with the beautiful leaf details and… OH MY GOD WHAT ARE THOOOOSE
This is worse than if she wore Heelies.
OBVIOUSLY Lady Gaga wore not one, but four outfits. That were one outfit. Whatever, here’s the first, a Barbie-pink sack. There’s not much to say besides it’s a sack and it’s pink.
Then KABLAMO! She whips it off and she’s in…. a black sack.
KASPLAMMY! There’s a pink, fitted sack under there!
KAWHAMMY! She whips that final sack off and she’s….. in her knickers. As per usual. They’re very nice knickers? I guess? IDK I was expecting the most insane shit from Gaga, this is HER NIGHT (she’s a host) and she’s all about that camp-life. I will say this – that BYO bottle shop she’s wheeled in is something. Did she hide it under the sacks? Goddamn that would be beautiful if so.
HARRY STYLES & ALESSANDRO MICHELE
Goddamn, this is so gorgeous I’m crying. Alessandro’s pants!! I need ’em! Harry’s blouse and single earring!! These two were perfect choices for hosts this year, they’re heaven, this is all heaven, I have nothing else to say.
So that red bolt of material is actually attached to the side of her blazer, I’m fairly sure, but it hundo-p looks like Bee was all “this blazer is stunning on me. But it is not on theme. I’d better just grab a random cut of satin and carry it down the carpet with me.”
Ooft, Laverne! If she didn’t have the fantastic blue mermaid hair I’d be off this, because I think she’d look like a face attached to some tulle. But her stylist was clearly ON IT, everything works here.
I HAVE NO WORDS. Celine you magnificent goddess. Never stop.
Look I know when you look closely like this, there are some cool details here – the stockings that pay homage to Dapper Dan, a haberdasher from Harlem but the reality is, Ashley just looks like she forgot to put pants on and also thought she was headed to the polo today.
I had to go Google “WHO IS HE!?!?!?!” but this is Hamish Bowles, European Editor-At-Large for US Vogue. Of course he is. That is the exact job I would expect for someone who has access to a coat this glorious.
I mean when you’re a performer and someone invites you to an event with the theme ‘Notes On Camp’, you wear giant gold angel wings and the most uncomfortable-looking, yet fabulous, bodysuit in existence. It’s a no-brainer.
MORE BORING WITH SIDE OF BEIGE BLACK SWAN HOMAGE.
SO BORING HE COULD JUST BE HEADED TO MACCAS.
I’m tired from the boring. I need a reviving image of Celine Dion to pep me up again.
Ahhhhh. That’s better.
I’m so torn here because she looks amazing and all-over gold sequins, always a mood. But I wish this had some dramatic bustle or a giant headpiece to really take it to new heights, you know?
YES. Like if Mindy Kaling had some ruffle action like Awkafina does, I’d be happy. This is fab.
THE EYE BLINKS. That’s all you need to know.
We’ll be updating this story as the celebs roll on in – so check back later.
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