Visibly disgruntled – look at that pink gingham scorn! Those hands splayed and searching for answers! – Richmond resident Zoran Ivanovic, 34, is suing Italian luxury goods manufacturers Gucci over claims the “small canvas bag” they sold him in exchange for $800 has not responded well to use, as a small canvas bag is wont to do regardless of material cost due to its true nature being that of a small canvas bag and not, say, a bag made of stone.

According to news.com.au, Ivanovic claims the bag, small in size and woven of canvas, both frayed and lost its shape despite “light and careful use… maybe once or twice a week, an hour or two at a time… To carry small things.” 

So incensed is Zoran that the bag will not exist in perpetuity as a lasting monument to that one time he bought a small canvas bag that cost $800 long after his bones have turned to dust – something for future Ivanovic generations to have and behold – that he has lodged documents with the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal alleging the bag is “so fragile that any use results in significant deterioration” – it’s basically The Cloth of St Gereon of tacky accessories, disintegrating at the slightest touch. 

“Given the extraordinary cost of the item,” says Mr Ivanovic of the pochette he willing purchased in exchange for legal tender knowing all the while that it could not last forever, “which for all intents and purposes is nothing more than a small canvas bag, there is an expectation that it will maintain its appearance and finish… and be more durable than similar, cheaper bags” also made of canvas and not woven of lies.

Following the fraying of zips and buckling of fabric, the bag was returned to its ancestral homeland where it underwent “somewhat amateurish” repairs by trained, artisanal hands, which only made things worse. Thanks, Obama! 

Now Ivanovic wants nothing to do with the crappy man bag, and in its place he wants justice at any cost. 

A hearing making the best use of everyone’s time, yours included, is scheduled to take place at a later date.

Photo: Kylie Else, via The Sunday Herald Sun