I’m Gonna Make Maseur Sandals Cool Again & Goddammit You’d Better Get On Board

When I was a kid, my grandpa had a pair of Maseur sandals. I loved the Maseur sandals. I would wear the Maseur sandals until he yelled at me to give them back so his bunions or corns or whatever could be massaged by their brutal rubbery stabbers.

When he wasn’t looking (read: playing Canasta with my Mum while drinking Caro) I would sometimes lie my face entirely on one shoe for a little filthy face massage. Don’t judge my childhood comfort habits, please.

All of this is besides the point. What IS the point? The shoes are good. Let me really ram this article down your eye-hole.

1. They Are Kind Of Chic If You Squint

Maseur are an inoffensive beige, which is great when worked back with literally anything in your wardrobe, but especially with denim, floral summer dresses and overalls (I love overalls, shut up).

The one-strap slide design is timeless – if Kanye West knew about these sandals he would maybe try and rip them off for Yeezy.

Basically, you don’t have to rework your entire wardrobe to old-man-with-liver-spots to make the Maseur blend seamlessly with your style.

2. They Have Stabby Massage Spikes

Obviously the big win with Maseur sandals is the constant, day-long massage. Some people hate this, those people are weak. If your sensitive footsies can’t handle a bit of pulverising care of the hundred-or-so hard rubber stabbers, then you need to toughen up.

The Maseur website says the stabbers are actually “flexible nodules” which is a horrendous term, never ever say the word “nodule” in my presence or I will straight-up throw a drink in your face and scream. They are also wrong – nothing is flexible about those stabbers and that’s what I love.

But the stabbers have a dual benefit – maybe you’ve forgotten but they actually are longer in some sections. That’s because the sole is “a contoured footbed to help correctly position feet and reduce stress on knees, hips and back,” with “arch profiles [that] assist in supporting the foot’s natural shape and structure.”

If you don’t end up with the best goddamn posture and general joie-de-vivre thanks to the Maseur sandals, I’ll eat a small hat.

3. If You Have A Fat Foot You Can Still Wear Them

My Editor Josie is pregante at the moment, and her feet get all swollen, like she has two of that guy from the X-Men movie, the one who gets blasted by the Cerebrum or something and then bloats up and disintegrates into water? That guy – her feet look like that guy sometimes.

Anyway it’s because blah blah pregnant water retention or something, feet are hideous anyway so if you’re gonna bloat somewhere it may as well be there, right? The point is, it’s not very comfortable and her shoe options are basically Birkenstocks or wrapping those babies in calico and saying it’s the new style.

But Maseur? She can wear Maseur! Because Maseur have a VELCRO STRAP, baby!! Why don’t all shoes have velcro straps, huh? Stupid shoe industry.

4. If You’re Still Being A Big Baby About The Stabbies, There’s An Option

Fine fine fine. Some of you have “sensitive feet” and “don’t like to feel like you’re walking on a hundred small Lego pieces all day”. Well there’s also a Maseur option for you. It’s called the Gentle Massage Sandal, but they should really rename it to The Weak Baby Sandal”.

Maseur Gentle Massage Sandal, $56.99

Technically, and I say this begrudgingly because I really do think the best thing to do is force your feet into submission and buy the OGs, these are even more chic. Cork is in, fact.

5. Also If You Are All About Summer Goth Aesthetic

Did you know Maseur come in black? I didn’t!

Invigorating Massage Sandal Black, $56.99

So if you refuse to wear anything but black and the idea of a neutral makes you want to hurl – here you go.

6. They’re Cheap As Fuck

$56.99. That’s all you have to pay to enter Nirvana. Considering most sandals, even those that aren’t leather and will fall apart in one week cost closer to $100, that’s pretty damn affordable. I could even afford that back when I worked at Baker’s Delight – and frankly I would have welcomed the foot reprieve while trotting around slicing people’s bread rolls (!!!) in the automatic slicing machine illegally because they scared me into submission.

I think we’re done here. Let’s work together to bring back the Maseur.