It’s hard to knock winter when there’s so much it brings to the table: the consistent rain usually keeps old people off the roads so you can drive the actual speed limit, and bars are only filled with dedicated drinkers so the Judge Judys are guaranteed to be tucked up at home.
But, if there’s one thing winter’s terrible at, it’s staying out of your bloody way when you’re trying to maintain your 11/10 image. Wind? Terrible for your 11/10 hair. Rain? Terrible for your 11/10 clothes. Cold air? Terrible for your 11/10 face.
All’s not lost though, as there are ways we can use winter to our advantage. Just because it’s cold as balls doesn’t mean you have to give up your certified snack pack status.
USE THE DARKNESS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE
As someone who refuses to run in summer because people can clearly see me hyperventilating, swearing and praying to be hit by a car so I don’t have to keep going, the winter darkness is a welcome change.
If you want to jog but don’t want strangers to see you, grab a couple of trusted running buddies and aim for a 6pm kick-off time. There’ll be people out and about but you won’t stand out like a sweaty mess like some of us do in summer.
Just, y’know, bring a phone with you in case of emergencies and whack on some Carmex lip balm to battle that pain-in-the-ass chilly air. It can get hella cold out there as a winter runner.
ROCK THE WET LOOK JUST BEFORE WINTER
In the hair care aisle of the supermarket section, they always have those products to give you the ‘wet’ look. Wax, gel, hairspray and the rest all have a variation that gives you a permanent ‘rained-on’ aesthetic despite your hair being bone dry. If you need some inspo, set your sights on Game of Thrones‘ Night King above. The dude’s killing it.
So, the game plan here is to start rocking that soggy look so when the rainy season finally comes around and you’re a permanent drowned rat, people will assume it’s just the look you were going for.
Alternatively you can invest in an umbrella but personally, I’d rather be saturated than have to lug around a glorified poncho on a stick.
PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THAT MUG OF YOURS
Just because the sun isn’t out does not mean you should neglect your face. I don’t know the exact science behind it but UV rays can still get ya even when it’s cloudy.
Invest in a solid SPF face cream and to battle the harsh wind, grab some Carmex lip balm to stay crack-free 24/7. You can’t miss it, it’s legit the only red and yellow package on the shelves. Use your eyes people, I can’t do everything for you.
Hot tip while I’m at it: whacking some lip balm on your pie hole just before you go to bed does absolute wonders. Feel free to quote me on that.
DITCH PUBLIC TRANSPORT
I personally enjoy public transport purely because I don’t have to do anything except sit there, make eye contact with people I’d never have the courage to approach as well as partake in the occasional eavesdrop.
But come winter time when everyone smells like dampness on steroids, you’re going to find it much harder to stay fresh while you’re crammed into a musty train carriage with the combined breath of 50+ people fogging up the windows.
CONVINCE PEOPLE THEY JUST DON’T KNOW FASHION
When all else fails, it’s time to resort to mind tactics.
If you’re one of those people whose extremities start entering gangrene territory as soon as the temp drops to a cool (but not extreme) 10 degrees, I’m assuming you can only survive the winter months covered in layers and with a minimum of two hot water bottles crammed down your jocks.
So, if you want to look like a hottie while wearing a blanket to social commitments, just assure people blankets are the new trend and they’re peasants for not knowing farshun.
Problem(s) solved.Image: Instagram / @channingtatum