I don’t know a lot about cosmetics, nor do I pretend to. I know putting moisturiser on semi-frequently will prevent me looking like a clydesdale’s ballbag by age 46. I know the Lush beard wash my partner had to force into my hands to buy makes my face feel its been lovingly buffed by the fanciest bowling ball cleaner in the alley. And I do know, beyond any shadow of any doubt, that this lipstick is a dick.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind whatsoever that it is a dick. It can’t be anything else. It’s a dick, folks. Through and through.

If you want to get technical about things, it’s an ad for the NARS Cosmetics “Morocco Lipstick,” posted to Instagram a short time ago.

If you want to get really technical about things, it’s a goddamned dick.

A liquid, melting, rippling schlong.

That’s a certified penis. I’m absolutely sure of it.

Even the Instagram caption exudes cock. “When the nudes keep you up all night”? An overt dick reference. “Reach the dawn”? Slightly more oblique but still deeply rooted in dong lore. “A warm cinnamon”? Open-ended statement; shove “wang” on the end of it and it makes twice as much sense.

What does this mean for the product and company themselves? Again, I’m not anywhere near knowledgable enough to comment. I don’t know if the shade will make your lips pop, and I don’t know if the product is suitable for people with allergies or sensitive skin.

What I do know, cosmetics-wise, is that if you pull graveyard shifts at a 24-hour K-Mart for long enough, eventually a vagrant will come in at 3am and spend 2 hours in the beauty section huffing all the test aerosol cans they can find, and that it’s ok to tell the security guard to fuck off and leave them alone because they’re not *really* hurting anyone, and that after they’re done they’ll run out of the store giggling with a clown-like circle of silver painted around their mouth and that will be incredibly funny.

I know that.

And I know that that lipstick up there? It’s a dick.