The 2018 Met Gala is FUCKING US UP, FAM. I don’t care about anything else! Nothing! Haha! Some politician did a thing? Who cares! They put in laws and now all our text messages will be filed onto some public internet page along with our faces? Whatever!

Seriously, I got up to go to the toot before, thinking after Rihanna and Katy Perry that surely there wouldn’t be any big, fuck-off outfits until Kim & Kanye arrived, and BLAM! Lana Del Rey, Alessandro Michele and Jared Leto waltz onto the red carpet dressed like some holy trinity of offensive-to-Catholics fake saints.

Here’s Jared Leto As Hot Jesus & Lana Del Rey As Jesus’ Sexy Mum At The Met Gala
Source: Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images

Originally I told a friend I was just going to put that photo and then this gif 300 times, because what else is there to say here:

Here’s Jared Leto As Hot Jesus & Lana Del Rey As Jesus’ Sexy Mum At The Met Gala

But instead I’m going to quietly have a large thirst moment and tell you that I have a serious 70’s cult fetish – Alessandro and Jared can GET. IT.

At the same time.

Whenever they want.

HOT JESUSES, COME THRUUUUU. Jesii? IDK.

Someone book me a one way ticket to NYC so I can just wait outside the Met with a sign saying “I will happily bone you Alessandro and you Jared specifically and no one else except Donald Glover, where u at, and also Cole Sprouse if Lili doesn’t mind”. Maybe I need to make it more specific… hmm… I’ll workshop this.

ANYWAY. I digress and yes, throw me in Horny Jail.

Can we talk about Lana’s headpiece? Is it a bird? Is it 5 dead blue angels?

Here’s Jared Leto As Hot Jesus & Lana Del Rey As Jesus’ Sexy Mum At The Met Gala
Source: Mike Coppola/MG18/Getty Images for The Met Museum/Vogue

Sometimes Alessandro (he’s the creative director of Gucci, he’s a big deal given how KILLER Gucci has been since he’s been at the helm) got booted out of photos and I can only imagine the DRAMA.

Don’t you reckon the photogs were like “ok now just Lana and Jared goodbye other man” and he’s like BITCH I AM THE MASTERMIND OF THESE LOOKS.

Then, in my mind, he spits on the ground at their feet, storms off and re-returns solo, carried in by 10 oiled and shirtless men. Except maybe I’ve just burst out of Horny Jail and that is what has happened here.

Here’s Jared Leto As Hot Jesus & Lana Del Rey As Jesus’ Sexy Mum At The Met Gala
Source: Dia Dipasupil/WireImage

Still – MOOOOOM AND DAAAAAAAD amirite? Like someone reincarnate me as their baby. PLEASE. I beg of you my life is boring.

Image: Getty Images