Being Australian and hating summer is like being the first kid in your class to grow a pube. Everyone judges the fuck out of you. You’re not like them. You’re weird. But hey, as I’ve navigated this lil’ thing they call life, I’ve learned to own the shit out of who I am – and I’m someone who fucking hates the shit out of summer.

It turns even the most gratuitous of humans into absolute wankers. Everyone suddenly has this fabulous life that they feel compelled to shove down the throats of those unfortunate enough to follow their faux, heavily-curated feeds. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the everyday activities that become painstaking when things heat up. I don’t want to feel like I’ve completed a CrossFit circuit every time I have to tackle a mild incline.

But of all the insufferable things that summer produces, there’s nothing worse than the self-confidence-crushing and unavoidable mess that is excessive sweating.

If you’ve deemed yourself an offensively sweaty bastard like I, then you know the drill. Apply deodorant at night, explore your surgical options, lock yourself in your home and avoid all human contact, etc. They just don’t cut it, right? No matter what lengths you take, you always feel as though you’ve just taken a dip in a pool. You need a whole new defence to reclaim your ability to function as a normal being, and the only option you have left is to explore the very clothes on your back.

So on that note, here’s what to wear if you’re an offensively sweaty bastard.

THE BASICS

Before going on to give a breakdown of what to adorn on your body by occasion (casual, smart casual and cocktail/corporate), here are the fundamentals you need to know about sweat-concealing threads.

  1. I know suggesting that you add another layer of clothing to your already moist body sounds fucking insane, but undershirts need to become your new best friend. Its job is to catch sweat before a small bead of it slowly rolls from your armpit down the side of your torso (can I please get an amen to that being literally the WORST thing to happen?!). And while they should be avoided like the plague in all other instances, a v-neck can be the best options for undershirts as it won’t be visible for most outfits.
  2. Stick to au naturel fabrics such as cotton and linen where possible. They breathe more than Darth Vader on life support, which will help keep you cool.
  3. Get around some sweat-sucking underwear to prevent hectic swamp ass.
  4. Accept the fact that your options, in terms of colours and styles, are going to be limited. Grieve this loss if you must, but accept it. Your go-tos are now blacks (or anything as dark as the night’s sky, such as navy blue) and patterns/prints. FYI: yes, technically dark options aren’t great for us sweaty folks given that they absorb heat and make you hotter. But hey, desperate times/desperate measures.
  5. Don’t fucking wear grey.

CASUAL

As mentioned, you’re going to want to keep your clothes in the natural fabric family, as well as keep them to dark colours/prints – and this applies across the board. That being said, there are a few workarounds. If most of your saturation occurs in the armpit area, then incorporating other colours into your look is feasible with a bit of creativity.

Also, singlets with slightly lower-hanging arm holes (not the crap you would see at Stereo) are great if you have the guns to support ’em. You can’t have sweat patches if the sweat can’t physically reach fabric to create a patch, right? The trade-off, however, is constant dribbles of stanky liquid down your torso.

Hiding in studio city

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When all’s said and done, you can still look like a hot unit in just the traditional sweat-concealing garb.

Back on my NYC grind ????

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On the pattern/print front, your options are pretty much endless.

Lunch time missions… Ph/ @asandasizani #StuurmanStyleDiary #LaterGram

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SMART CASUAL

Yep, you guessed it, same fabric/colour rules apply to smart casual too – and here’s proof that that’s in no way inhibiting to creating a strong look.

Melanin is golden.

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Desperate to wear some white/colour? It’s feasible with smart casual looks given that a jacket can be involved.

@eezynkabi for #StuurmanStyleSuperga

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Lastly, undershirts are imperative for smart casual looks given that button downs are essentially thin sponges, so make sure you have ample to facilitate your thriving social life if you’re hitting the town sans jacket.

COCKTAIL/CORPORATE

Suits for us sweaty bastards are tricky. How can you NOT be dripping from head to toe in such a heavy ensemble? Be it for work or ~fancy~ dos, whacking one on in summer isn’t something we look forward to. That being said, cocktail/corporate looks can get away with ditching the colour rules because (working on the assumption you’re not going to stand directly under the sun on a 40-degree day) there are too many layers for the sweat to seep through to ever become visible. You will, however, be super uncomfortable.

So yeah, it’s less about colour choice and more about fabric choice – so don’t just go out and buy some crappy el cheapo option, gents. MJ Bale, for instance, has a ‘Cool Wool‘ range that you should consider investing in. I have one myself, and it’s shockingly breathable.

Like, so much so, that they sent UK weather man Alex Beresford to the hottest places in the world and broadcasted him via Facebook Live withstanding the heat in their threads. Oh, and off the back of that, they’ve been holding this hectic activation in Sydney at their Chifley Plaza store where they’ve pumped up the heat to disgusting temperatures in the change room so that regular folks can test out just how cool the suits will keep ’em. The change room’s wrapping up on Friday before heading around Australia, so if you’re keen to try it out, head to their Facebook.

If you’re not daring enough to tackle anything but dark colours and patterns, then you’ve still got a heap of options.

Gents, I wish you all the best in tackling this year’s looming summer. Hopefully we can have a semblance of an existence.