Like any massively overblown, expensive internationally broadcast Hollywood production, when it comes to the Golden Globes the best part of the party is the outfits. Except for sometimes when the outfits are actually the worst part of the party like they are on some of these clueless idiots! Several stars at this year’s Globes looked disappointingly unfabulous, although the Australian contingent did a fine job of representing the country with some strong sartorial choices. Let’s have a look at what the people were wearing on the red carpet, which features an alarming number of fishtail hemlines, much ado about side-swept hairdos, the long-awaited red carpet return of Sienna Miller, and the never important or relevant Brian Austin Green!
Nicole Richie wears a floral embroidered and jewel-coated gown in baby blue by Naeem Khan. If Nicole was competing in an over 50s ice dancing championship I would call this a spectacular choice. The chain-fringed purse is quite cool.
Clearly, Nicole also took her makeup tips from a seasoned ice dancing stylist. Love the Veronica Lake-ish curls though.
Kelly Osbourne loves her some taffeta fishtailed Zac Posen doesn’t she? [Answer: Yes she does. I follow these red carpet events with alarming attention to detail.]
Kudos to Downton Abbey star Michelle Dockery who is positively statuesque in this stunning white crepe and gold Alexandre Vauthier couture gown. Hands down her best red carpet effort to date, a little reminiscent of Nicole Kidman in her couture-clad hay days of yore.
Homeland cry face queen Claire Danes tries for a Scarlett Johansson moment in this huggy vermillion Versace halter, but doesn’t have the large bosom required to execute the desired effect. Her hair is a crazy stupid mess that I would expect more from a crazy stupid mess like her Homeland character Carrie Mathison and not a woman of Claire Danes’ exceptional red carpet pedigree.
Of course any time I criticise a Claire Danes outfit I’m reminded that she is married to exquisite man with melt-you eyes Hugh Dancy and I am not, so in my face I guess.
Isla Fisher gives good siren in this beautifully embellished Reem Acra dress and side-swept cascading waves of hair, however the overall look reads a little boring on camera, and her spray tan-gerine factor is dangerously hovering at a DEFCON 2.
Megan Fox emits her usual figure-hugging, flesh-coloured vibe in pretty lace Dolce & Gabbana, while her man – former Beverly Hills 90210 guy Brian Austin Green! – impresses the hell out of me for being gainfully employed! In the entertainment industry still!
Well done you, Tina Fey! The often ensembly-challenged Golden Globes co-host looks lovely in ankle-length monochrome L’wren Scott and great hair and makeup.
Tina’s hosting offsider Amy Poehler was also looking swell in a tasteful Stella McCartney tuxedo (and let’s just ignore those heinous shoes).
Get out of my dreams / And into my car is what pedophiles think to themselves when they see Hayden Panettiere who always looks like jail bait. Her red carpet performance in this pale Roberto Cavalli gown, worn with bad hair and pink clutch, is no exception.
Zooey Deschanel is a bit of a bore in red Oscar de la Renta and pearls. Too “samey”.
I love Lena Dunham and think she’s brilliant, but I hate pooey aubergine satin mistakes with more seams than an open source development platform for building rich Internet applications in Java. She wears Zac Posen.
Awwww. Keith Urban has semi-high heels on his shoes so he doesn’t look too short!
And even though Nicole’s hair could have been better, I think she looks very regal and incredibly statuesque in this interesting Alexander McQueen gown from the Spring/Summer 2013 collections.
Oh my gads, those tits. You’re grounded young lady.
Another black Alexander McQueen gown, this time on Kate Hudson who looks fantastic, softening the look with natural makeup, although the loose hairstyle is covering that gorgeous beading around the neckline of the dress which is a crime.
HA HA HA HA HA! I’m with you, lady in the background laughing at this horrific Versace nightmare! Halle Berry’s body = no laughing matter, though.
Hey guys, just in case you forgot this is Sienna Miller who has been AWOL from red carpets for quite some time, which might explain the fact she chose an Erdem gown that looked amazing on the runway model but on diminutive Sienna Miller it both shortens and fattens her AND it looks like something your Aunt Julie would cover a box of tissues with. And can someone please put a purse in her hand or something? She’s got a crippling case of Awkward Hands:
I don’t love this ice blue Calvin Klein dress on Best Actress nominee Jessica Chastain, who usually looks so great. The colour is lovely but the fit is terrible from the front, and probably the back too if the scrunched face of that lady is any indication.
“When in doubt, wear voluminous puce” is the motto of no one. Taylor Swift is never ever ever getting back together with her stylist when she sees how crushed and matronly this dramatic Donna Karan Atelier gown shows up in the photos.
As a Dior girl, the gorgeous Marion Cotillard wears Christian Dior Couture of course, but her asymmetrical tangerine dress with those matchy shoes are pretty underwhelming.
Julianne Moore is chic tuxedo-inspired perfection in black and white Tom Ford with gold accents.
Well done Amanda Seyfriend! Adult Cosette wears a beautiful lace Givenchy gown but can she please move her 8 pounds of hair so I can see it better?
Jennifer Lopez is on High Smug Alert with that child bride on her arm. The ‘nude illusion’ lace body sock by Zuhair Murad she’s wearing looks like too many similar lace body socks she has worn before to make any impact, and she’s left looking like the handkerchief of a wealthy grandma.
I’d love to see Emily Blunt go a little more daring with her red carpet choices, but this gold Michael Kors column with a hint of skin is kind of elegant.
Plus her hair and makeup are #sleek #flawless:
Anne Hathaway opts for a simple graceful look with a crystal- and bead-covered dress from Chanel Couture‘s Spring 2009 collection.
Thandie Newton wears one of the only short dresses on the red carpet, but looks super cute in her couture-ish Giles Deacon mini with jewel-encrusted star boob.
Ah and here’s Heidi Klum, queen of the vag-skimming thigh split…
… Then suddenly, in steps a new contender! Eva Longoria wears an Emilio Pucci dress with all the trimmings: lace, embellishment, keyhole cut out, crazy pleats, and even a possible stalker in tow!
Holy smokes Helen Mirren. Resplendent in figure-hugging black and gold Badgley Mischka.
Yes, this Christian Dior gown is fine and the colour is great, but feel that the gorgeous Jennifer Lawrence could have done better in a fresher, more contemporary silhouette, or something a little sexier.
And the in-built nipples aren’t my favourite…
Also, I think we all agree that Jennifer Lawrence needs to spend time practicing her camera smile.
Naomi Watts is a real highlight, stunning and so poised in he wine-coloured Zac Posen gown and train.
Ooh! Fabulous back, too.
Another highlight is this super chic and understated beaded Miu Miu sheath on flawless Django Unchained star Kerry Washington.
From afar I actually thought there was something kind of outrageously fabulous about this rose print Carolina Herrera gown on Lucy Liu until I had a closer look and solemnly punched myself in the face.
“Hey Daniel Craig and Rachael Weisz. You guys are wearing black [he’s in Armani and she’s in Louis Vuitton] and sometimes I like to wear black too!! Three way?”
“Three way?”
Photos by Jason Kempin, Jason Merritt for Getty Images.
