Like animal cruelty claims and sparkling wine in plastic flutes, fashion and horse racing go hand-in-hand. While Royal Ascot might conjure images of crustless sandwiches and the crusty upper echelons of British so-sah-et-té dressed in all their sartorial splendour, that’s unfortunately far from the case. Sure, there were some winners (see Caroline Sieber) but for the most part the fashunz on the field were totally mingin’.

To be permitted inside the “Royal Enclosure” for example (which, funnily enough, is what they call the Windsor gene pool) you have to wear a hat – no fascinators – and your hemline must fall below the knee. Not everyone fulfilled this brief, including some Royals. Here’s a finely curated selection of the finest fashion horse d’oeuvres (guys, I nailed that in one!) for your digestion:

Black Caviar dons custom made skins. This filly is getting too fancy for my liking. I heard she requested three 12-piece buckets of fried chicken spicy (no thighs, lots of wings) two space heaters and a cool mist humidifier plus 24 bottles of Snapple, (12 must be Lemon Iced Tea) in her tour rider.* Photo by Alan Crowhurst.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

Austrian stylist Caroline Sieber wears a Chanel dress from Karl’s Indian-inspired Arts D’Metiers collection with cap-toed Louis Vuitton stilettos and a Maison Michel headpiece. Totes chic. Photo by Ben Pruchnie.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

Unidentified race-goer looks like a Dickensian era hydrangea threw up on her. Photo by Ben Pruchnie.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

Playboy model Kelly Brook looks fine, if a little beige and ladylike in demure florals and what you’d imagine are not very practical pumps. Accessorises with a used Kleenex snotted on by Phillip Treacy. Photo by Eamon McCormack.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

The Queen, who is usually pretty chic, looks like an upturned divot in this mojito (limey-mint) number and late 90s-era bucket hat. Replete with customary white gloves. Photo by Ben Pruchnie.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

This guy (‘horse racing pundit John McCririck), eating black caviar, growing lichen from his face. Too many accessories but 10 points for effort/literal reading of Black Caviar. Open wide now! Photo by Jan Kruger.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

The Duke of Edinburg, Prince Philip, is the pinnacle of Saville Row steez. I hope I look this good/can walk this unaided at 91. Photo by Ben Pruchnie.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

The only way is Essex for these young punters, who make a strong case in favour of dropped hemlines and moderation, wind or no wind. “OMG LOL mi fanny is totes on show!” Or words to that effect. Photo by Alan Crowhurst.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

Designer Giles Deacon is paisley perfection. I can forgive him for not wearing a giant SS12 swan on his head. Photo by Ben Pruchnie.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

Dutch supermodel Lara Stone could be wearing Calvin Klein Collection (looks iffy though, however she is the face/boobs/gap tooth of the label) with an awesome fascinator that reminds me of pastry tuiles. Delish. She also wears David Walliams, who is no doubt clad head to toe in Tom Ford. They look adorable. Photo by Eamon McCormack.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

Princess Beatrice looks rosy in Erdem with YSL shoes and for once reigns it in (several puns in that) in the fashun stakes. Photo by Ben Pruchnie.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

This lady has a serious case of Avian Flu. It’s equal parts bloomin’ amazing/abso-freakinly-lutely ridiculous. Photo by Ben Pruchnie.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

“Model Carla Creegan” (not my words) wears a hat commissioned by Castle Galleries inspired by the works of artist Louise Dear. The hat sort of looks like Lara Stone and that’s the best part about this outfit. *Hits the snooze button* Photo by Ben Pruchnie.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

Look closer: yes, that’s an English Breakfast on her head. If you hold your nose, you can mask the taste of this number. Photo by Danny Martindale.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

Questionable Olympic-themed get up was everywhere. This kind of shit is not going to get you into the Royal Enclosure. Photos by Eamon McCormack.

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

Fashion Horse D’Oeuvres: Royal Ascot Green Carpet Round Up

More Royal style hits and missives here.

All images via Getty.

*That’s actually a fraction of Nicki Minaj’s tour rider.