Eye On #Auspol: This Weekend In Federal Politics, Gaffes And “Vote Satan”


We’re less than a week away from September 7: Dawn Of The Election, and the political spin machine has been whirring this weekend in its typical frantic motion. While we perhaps haven’t been treated to electoral delicacies and pure editorial gold like a Stephanie Bannister or Peter Dowling, this thing is still happening, and it’s time to catch up on what’s been going down, in a world where suits are continually trying to persuade us that their counterpart is just fucking awful, so the alternative is to reluctantly Pick Me. Here we go.

SUNDAY PAPERS UNITE IN ‘KICK THIS MOB OUT’-STYLE EDITORIALS

In another power-trip display that has newspapers thinking they run the joint, virtually every major newspaper has been decidedly Pro-Liberal in their Sunday papers today. 
The Age titled their editorial, “No Vision Or Inspiration, So Who Do You Trust To Govern?”, saying that, “‘Labor’s legislative record has been strong, but it is Ms Gillard’s legacy, not Mr Rudd’s. There is still a question hanging over his ability to govern.” Which only, oh, totally goes against the searing editorial that blatantly condemned Julia Gillard’s competency, but la la la, I can’t hear you says The Age: “it is with little enthusiasm that we say that the Coalition deserves to win.” 

News Corp’s The Herald Sun was a little less delicate in its phrasing in today’s paper: “Australia cannot afford to keep the most dysfunctional and inept government in its history.” 

Fairfax’s The Sun Herald endorsed Tony Abbott, saying “engage us, empower us, and prove to us that we have done the right thing” while Faifax’s rural paper The Land simply descended in to high school heretics, proudly giving the ALP an “Epic Fail.”

But of course, The Sunday Telegraph must have received its memo from Murdoch on the weekend, simply saying “Fuck it, yolo”, because their headline boldly reads, “AUSTRALIA NEEDS TONY”. 
Meanwhile, Kevin Rudd is probably pissed that he’s getting so many haters on Father’s Day.
BUT IT’S ALL COOL, REMEMBER THAT FAIRFAX IS “ALWAYS INDEPENDENT.”
Fairfax has recently been spruiking its campaign of “Independent. Always.” Which is all very nice I guess, but things get a bit awkward when “independence” obviously doesn’t include advertising budgets and the front page of SMH looks like this, ack:
RUDD VISITS TOP END, SUPPOSEDLY SNUBS WHEELCHAIR-BOUND WOMAN
Kevin Rudd’s visit to Darwin was met with hostility, anti-nuclear protesters forcing Rudd’s security to stage an exit, a heckler yelled out to Rudd saying “You’re a fool, get out of here,” and a Darwin wheelchair-bound woman, Diana Day, expressing her dismay at being bluntly snubbed by Rudd, after he dodged answering her question about disability treatment. Damn, Rudd, this just does not look good at all:
But look, it wasn’t all bad. At least Mr Rudd got to take a selfie with his doppelgänger, bless:
STUDY AWKWARDLY POINTS OUT THAT WE WERE ALL BETTER OFF UNDER GILLARD

Despite the ALP doing it tough this weekend in the polls, a study by the University of Canberra has shown that cost of living under Julia Gillard-led ALP increased by remarkably low margins. Since Labor was elected in to power in 2007, the “standard of living” has increased by an impressive 2.6% each year. Meanwhile, Julia Gillard is hiding out somewhere in Adelaide, relaxed and knitting, with I Told You So vibes glittering in her eyes. Not bad, JG.
JULIAN ASSANGE CRITICISES AUSTRALIA’S POTENTIAL ALLY WITH US INTERVENTION IN SYRIA

Seeing as he didn’t have another Bogan Makeover video to star in, and the Ecuadorian Embassy is lonely when you’re not making parodied, viral content, Julian Assange has written a piece for The Sydney Morning Herald, “War Won’t Serve Australia’s Cause”, ahead of next week’s election in which he stands as an underdog Senate candidate. The article laments the horrific gravity of the chemical warfare that unfolded in Damascus, and hopes that Australia doesn’t crumble in following the potential US lead of intervening, because it tastes a little like deja vu: “We must remember the lessons of Iraq – when Australia was led into war by the US/British war machine masquerading its propaganda as ”intelligence”. Then, as now, we were fed on a diet of fear mongering about chemical weapons…What Australian interests are served by going along with a US-led intervention in Syria? The answer is none.” Read Julian Assange’s entire article here
Meanwhile, Tony Abbott has forgone any sense of eloquence in his speeches, describing the Syrian crisis as “Baddies versus baddies“. 
ALP LAUNCHES CAMPAIGN IN BRISBANE
The ALP launched their campaign in Brisbane today, with Kevin Rudd mentioning some key points:
– “You know it. The world knows it. Tony Abbott doesn’t believe in climate change at all.”
– Announced a plan to rectify unemployment by creating Job Services Australia, a new body that would bring together unemployment services and training systems together.
– Mentioned TAFE’s “proud history” and promised it a bright future, announcing that if elected, the ALP would bypass State Government funding agreements to TAFE if they fail to increase funding, by funding the system directly through the commonwealth instead. Tools allowance to apprentices would increase to $6000.
– Rudd also criticised the Coalition’s paid parental scheme and boat buy back scheme, and remained positive in light of poor polling: “Never, ever, ever underestimate the fighting spirit of the Australian Labor Party.
Naturally, he kept his gesticulations wild:
TONY ABBOTT KICKS OFF THE BURQA CONVERSATION

Tony Abbott defended fellow party candidate Ray King, who described the burqa as “a sign of oppression.” Mr Abbott admitted that he considered the islamic attire “confronting” and provided a statement during which his spin doctor was obviously nowhere to be seen: “Frankly, it’s not the sort of attire that I would like to see widespread in our streets.”
APPARENTLY JAYMES DIAZ MIGHT ACTUALLY WIN HIS GREENWAY SEAT…?
The Independent suggests that gaffe-prone Jaymes Diaz is a shoe-in to win the Greenway seat. What, did he surgically clamp his lips together, or..?
RADICAL LIB CANDIDATE SUGGEST SNIPER RIFLE TAGGING SYSTEM FOR CRIMINALS

Sure, it’s exactly as batshit terrifying as it sounds.
#AUSPOL WARY COMRADES, JUST VOTE SATAN

And at the end of all this, we know what you’re feeling, friends. It’s getting too much. Every party seems fatally flawed. You can’t look at any of the leaders without momentarily keeling over. It’s OK, you guys. Just vote Satan, simple:

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