Eurovision Semi Final 1: Live Blog

It’s the Eurovision Song Contest 2013! Most beloved of all of Europe’s song contests…

A stage which is routinely shared by small peasant women who apparently give a total of 0 fucks about performing and greased-up-iced-tipped Scandi men. For three decades it has been watched by the entirety of Europe and a small but ever-growing number of children of immigrants living in Australia; including this one right here. Internet says that Eurovision viewing in Australia has had its highest number of viewers in recent years, so if you’re here tonight you either have a country to cheer for or have just discovered how fucking magnificent this shit is. In which case, CHOOSE YOUR ALLEGIANCE. No take-backs.

We’re in Malmö. We’re running late. But if you’re just tuning in, you have missed a multilingual introduction and Phillip Seymour-Hoffman’s kid singing last years winning hit ‘Euphoria.’

9:07 04 Croatia. Adam Ant + Il Divo + Backstreet Boys BAM Euro stars are born.

9:10 We’re hearing talk of a bare-footed lady and there she is! Woah. And there hottie on the recorder is. She’s sitting down and she’s wearing a flowing dress of white, well, if this gal isn’t in-tune with nature I do not know who is. This is Denmark by the way. “She’s really pretty” “yeah, for a girl” – thanks people i’m watching Eurovision with (the second commenter is a homosexual man). She is really pretty though, and there are so many things falling from the ceiling that Oh God I believe in her! Together we can do anything! When are they going to pan back to the recorder wielding sex-God? Inbox if you know.

So, apparently she’s the favourite to win. Pretty into that outcome.

9:19 WE ARE ONE. Oh god, they’re trying to do austerity comedy.

9:21 Russia, yeah! Let’s get this done. According to Julia Zemiro their contestant has been compared to Adele and Susan Boyle. Twenty seconds in and it’s clear that is a fucking lie. This girl definitely does not conjure images of Adele – ugh, she’s wearing too much nude and is completely being over-shadowed by her back-up singers. Which is like, the opposite of what Adele is all about. Meanwhile, what’s the deal with that? What are the rules surrounding how many people are allowed on stage with them? Seems like something Germany would have stepped in and regulated. Because, racial stereotypes.

9:25 Vagner up in here. Remember that Bugs Bunny episode where he was wearing that exact same outfit? 07 Ukraine – is atop a boulder gyrating to butterflies, this is exactly what Eurovision is all about. Unclear whether Hodor had to come back to remove her from the stage.

9:29 Alanis Morrissette of The Netherlands? Sweet-good-‘n-plenty, yes.

Without a doubt all contestants are being given a horse-shampooing backstage. Puttin’ Delta to shame up in here.

9:35 Denmark’s song is still stuck in my head. POP HIT ALERT.

9:37 If the opening packages are to be believed, every contestant has come from a small fishing village.

Uh-OH looks like Montenegro has been tuning into MTV.


If you look very closely, you can see that they are not real Astronauts.

Eep! She’s doing the robot! What’s the deal with Autotune and its use within the Eurovision Song Contest 2013?

9:41 Oh hay, Lithuania. Ah, the new favourite song of every horny female teenager. Lovely.

What just happened? It would seem that they ran out of star wipes and instead used the acid trip effect.

I don’t know about you guys, but I have such a deep affection for the slight ‘out-of-date’ quality that most Eurovision contestants seem to have. Look at this guy, with his leather jacket and scarf tied casually around his gently beckoning wrists.

9:46 IN a disco ball?! Go home, diks. Balarus just won Eurovision.

Is it a vest? Is it a scarf? Ah, the subtle suggestion of a collar. Nicely done, back-up dancer bros.

If you squint hard enough you can see her vagina behind that fringing.

Okay, one of the people I am with is having a mild conniption because of that c-c-combro breaker up the back in his blue shirt.

9:50 Contestant number 12 Moldova is………not of this world.

Best guess is that she is, in actual fact, an active volcano.

Eruption appears to be inevitable. Oh, wait, we’re reeling this ballad right on in. Pheeeeee-ew!

9:57 There is a man who is above average in height and a trio of Disney Princesses. The hosts are interacting with them, to mixed results.

10:00 It’s Ireland! Who have actually won Eurovision more times than anyone else. Get it, Ireland.

…very rarely have I seen something less Irish. Ha, I can just imagine my Grandparents commentary on this as they watch back in the ol’ country. “Jaysus! Would you look at yer man!”

Fuck. At least he wasn’t Jedward. Ugh. I kept expecting him to split down the centre and them to bounce out all like ‘WE’RE HERE, MOTHERFUCKERS *boing boing* submit to our abominable screechings! Heheeeehehehehe”

10:05 They’re teaching Europe things about us!

10:06 Oh look, a well proportioned European Goddess with flowing locks – Game Changer!

Cyprus are playing it safe. If recent winners are anything to go by, they should really be aiming for the ‘youths’ and shooting for something that can be played in ‘the clubs.’ That’s what get audiences jacked up nowadays!

I’m hearing this described as the ‘No Frills’ performance of the night. No backing-anything, no wizz-bangers in the background. They can’t even afford a slip for the poor gal to wear under her lacy dress.

10:10 The youngest entry in Eurovision this year is Belgium. Fuck, he wants something from us. What do you want, Belgium! Tell us! Is it possible that they’re making him do this? Perhaps the entire nation of Belgium has tiger-mum’d him into this performance. There is genuine fear behind those cartoon fawn eyes. Oh shit, things just got wubby up in your television set.

Just found out, you’re only allowed six people on stage, a-ha!

10:14 Yes! Yes! The next contestants look like a bunch of down to earth gal pals. Annnnnd they’re fans of Katy Perry. Guys, the middle one looks really confused. Has someone explained to her what’s happening here tonight?

They’re using their acting. Sah-cute.

10:19 I like to think that somewhere there is an island where all past and presents hosts of Eurovision meet. They are all looking straight down the barrel of cameras that are not there while they have conversations in highly enunciated English. Then they all have sex without taking their clothes off or messing their hair up.


ALSO, do you think all Eurovision hosts are always kind of eerily similar because they are actual ‘Hosts’ to a parasitic organism that transfers to a new body each year and will continue to MC Eurovision forevermore…?

10:27 Let us take a moment to marvel at how many votes they would be collating right now. That is a whole continent worth of frantic text messages. How did they even add them all up before computers? Also, how did people meet up with their friends before mobile phones? What if they just didn’t turn up? Would you then pronounce them dead?


This is going to be great. Allusion to Northern Lights and dark figures moving in unison. Sik.

They’re dancing on snow. That can’t be safe. I once slipped on snow and broke my butthole (coccyx), so I know about these things.

Can I make the call and say that this is no Riverdance.

But like, yeah, modern dance is cool. OKAY, he just did a trick. See, these are the kind of people who make insane body movements look completely achievable. I wonder how this would have done on So You Think You Can Dance (dance, dance dancedance *fadeout*)?

Release the ping-pong balls! Somewhere behind the scenes there is a ping-pong ball wrangler who is proud of a job well done.

10:39 What IS this woman’s accent? I object strongly to this package and everything it stands for.


10:41 Why are they pre-qualified? What? What’s happening?

10:42 Shit. Julia Zemiro‘s horniness is palpable. She should have a crack at Belgium, he looks like he may benefit from doing a carnal relation.

10:44 Oooooo, there’s a Eurovision App! #ufancii 

10:46 Ummm, after some srs googling #journalism it has become apparent that the pre-qualifiers are the “Big 5” – UK, France, Germany, Spain and Italy – who are guaranteed a spot in the finals because they lay down the most cash for the contest. File under: innocence shattered. You know, you grow up watching Eurovision Song Contest and you think it’s fair and based entirely on artistic merit and ability to ballad….fuck.

10:53 Alright, they’re panning around the audience. Everyone is cheering. The credits are rolling. One Semi-Final down, one more to go. Thanks for joining, you’ve been a delight, and we’ll see you tomorrow night!

Aaaaand the results are in…


The Netherlands