As far as awards season red carpets go, I’m frankly impressed and amazing with the Emmys 2018 one. It’s pretty… good, you guys. Most people nailed the brief – which did not exist, but in my head the brief for ANY awards red carpet is:
- look nice.
- wear a gown or a suit. This is a formal event numbnuts.
- be dramatic if you like but only if you are the type of celebrity that has the weight to your stardom to BE dramatic. I.E you are not a Z-grade celebrity.
- don’t look like you need to poo in photos.
Anyway, most celebs got it right. Some, in my humble opinion, did not. But generally, some good vibes up in here. I’m going to show you all the vibes I deem worthy (can you tell I’m on a bit of a power trip this morning? GOD IT FEELS GOOD FELLAS! IT FEELS REAL GOOD). Here we go.
JONATHAN VAN NESS
Here’s the thing with JVN – on anyone else I’d likely hate this combo, but fuuuuck he just SCREAMS confidence. As Matty in our office said “it’s less about what he wears, and more about how he wears it”. He could honestly show up in a roll of aluminium foil and I’d be like “YAAAS YAAS YAAAASSSS GIVING ME TIN MAN CHIC”. You know? He could smear himself in poo and suddenly it’s Derelicte all over again.
MATT SMITH & CLAIRE FOY
The royalty are HERE, folks. These guys look so British-pole-up-their-ass in the best way, although I wish Claire wasn’t in what generally looks like a loo roll when it’s at the very end of it’s life, where run out right before you were almost done wiping. I feel like I have a toilet fixation today, that’s three poo references.
VANESSA KIRBY
This is modern Marilyn Monroe sexual bullshit and I fucking LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. She looks phenomenal. It’s perfect. The end.
TAN FRANCE
I mean when you’re the fashion guy on Queer Eye you kinda wanna nail it on every red carpet… and Tan has. So good work but also I’m not impressed coz it’s your JOB TO LOOK AMAZING. But also I am impressed, help me I’m a poor fashion slob. Tan help. PLEASE? I’ll contribute $20 to your flight to Australia.
CONNIE BRITTON
MRS TAYLOR IN THE HOUSE! Connie will never NOT be Coach’s wife to me. Anyway I hate this tropical-shower-curtain-but-make-it-a-dress, but it’s TAMMY TAYLOR. You don’t shut down Tammy on anything, she will fucking rip you to pieces with her scary angry voice, disappointed stare, and finger pointing. All while carrying Gracie-Bell on her hips.
KERI RUSSELL
You know, ever since Keri started playing a sexy Russian spy on The Americans, a show I really need to catch up on bc it’s damn good, she’s dressed like a sexy Russian spy 24/7 on red carpets. This is no exception. You all know how I feel about the sticky-outy-leg pose (we get it, your dress has a split in it) but this is 100/10 Maleficent hotness and I love a LOT about it.
MILLIE BOBBY BROWN
IDK I think the tiny fashion mogul has done better, but a) she’s a kid, let’s cut her a break and b) she’s still adorable.
EVAN RACHEL WOOD
I actually… like this? It’s a little “hear ye, hear ye, whence the piper comes down ye olde gallows fall” or whatever, you know, ye olde vibes with the weird long jacket. But the hair’s making it vibe for me.
KRISTEN BELL
It’s mildly matronly for someone as cool as Kristen but it’s chic, I’ll allow it.
THANDIE NEWTON
Thandie has that J.LO thing going on where she just doesn’t fucking age, but aside from the fact she’s eternally hot in a vampire way, this colour looks amazing on her and I love the zesty silver heels. What I do NOT love, is the weird train sleeve that’s making it look like she had emergency amputation surgery hours before the event. Is it a sideways cape? Is her arm ensconced inside that pink tube? I’ll never know and I NEED TO KNOW, THANDIE.
NATHALIE EMMANUEL
What a babe. This is gorge.
CHRISSY METZ
Serious moment here – I love how Chrissy Metz has been just fucking shit up when it comes to how plus-size gals dress on red carpets. She just keeps coming out with these bright shades, when for YEARS it was like stylists tried to make them disappear under black drapey things. But Chrissy is like fuck YOU, I’m wearing emerald green and strapless and I LOOK GREAT! And like, YAY because why perpetuate that “make the plus size women as inconspicuous as possible” bullshit? Here’s to more of this.
CHRISSY TEIGEN
She looks like a sexy space robot and I like it.
JESSE PLEMONS AND KIRSTEN DUNST
I need a scenario to evolve tonight in which Jesse and Connie Britton take 3047 photos together, hugging, reminiscing on Friday Night Lights days. Also Kirsten’s boobs look AMAZING. I want whoever designed that dress to make ME a dress in which my boobs look that phenomenal.
ILANA GLAZER AND ABBI JACOBSON
It will forever tickle me when the Broad City babes hit the red carpet looking glam and not like their stoner characters. They both look outstanding here.There are small things I don’t love that I think if they posed alone, I’d notice more (that band under Abbi’s boobs is weird, right? I’m not 1000% sold on Ilana’s red skirt splash?) but they’ve couple dressed to perfection so I’m just like *waves arms in general direction* GOOD.
ALISON BRIE
The colour is great on her, the top bit is fun, but the material in the skirt is like… why are have we repurposed a Mr K Year 10 formal dress from 2003 for the Emmy red carpet, bb?
SARAH PAULSON
No, I hate it, and it’s giving me Black Swan related heart palpitations.
ZAZIE BEETZ
YESSSSSS more people need to get on the velvet train, it’s a GOOD TRAIN to get onto.
TRACEY MORGAN
This is wonderful. And then you see the shoes. WHAT IS GOING ON. Are they attachable shoe guards on his pant legs? I don’t understand. I’m afraid. I’m scared.
JESSICA BIEL & JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
I have nothing to say besides I like Jessica’s dress, because I’m still mentally scarred from Tracey Morgan’s shoe covers.
JOEY KING
Okay remember how I said you can wear something dramatic *if* you are a celeb who has enough weight to their star status to warrant it? For example, if you are JVN, you can wear whatever you want. Chrissy Teigen? Ditto. Joey King, star of The Kissing Booth and Slenderman? Put a standard gown on and stay in your lane. SORRY NOT SORRY.
GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE
OOF I gotta say, I’m loving that lemon yellow is back. It looks GREAT on blondes, and it looks fucking phenom on Gwen here. The only sad thing is her stylist, the dick, didn’t STEAM HER DRESS before sending her blindly down the red carpet. Rude tbh.
NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU
You wanna hear something lol? I thought this was Jon Hamm. I THOUGHT. THIS WAS. JON HAMM. What is wrong with me? Nikolaj, Mr. Jamie Lannister himself, looks a) nothing like Jon Hamm and b) is a superstar in his own right. Fuck. I’m the worst. Anyway I don’t know how I feel about a brown velvet jacket. Actually, I do. I hate it. But he’s sexy and I’m ovulating and that means his sexiness dials up to level 400, so he gets a pass. Be prepared for more thirst chat bc of said ovulation.
JAMES CORDON AND JULIA CAREY
If there’s something I hate more than brown jackets, it’s electric blue jackets. In general, electric blue is a bad colour, to me. It reminds me of the shade they’d use on a clinical surgery sign that specialises in like, knee reconstructions. Something you never want to get done, you know? Side note I’ve had a knee reconstruction, so maybe that is why I hate it so much.
JENNIFER LEWIS
I don’t know who this is, I don’t know why she’s worn activewear on the red carpet, unless there is a very specific political reason that makes absolute sense, I fucking hate it.
ANTONI POROWSKI
I am aware that Antoni has a partner of 7 years but I am possibly pregnant from just having witnessed this look. Antoni, I want shared custody.
SADIE SINK
WHAT A CUTIE PATOOTIE AAAAAAAH. She’s so bloody cute and sweet! I love it, I love her, I love that when she’s my age she will probably be like “what were those shoulder armour things” but to future Sadie I say “don’t worry about it, it’s super cute”.
TED DANSON AND MARY STEENBURGEN
There’s nothing I love more than a sexy 50+ woman in a power suit. Fuck Ted Danson I’m having a sexy daydream about Mary Steenburgen rn.
CONSTANCE WU
Look another scary robot! I love the scary robots. I bow to them. I welcome our new scary bedazzled robot overlords Constance Wu and Chrissy Teigen.
JUDITH LIGHT
Okay I know I said my favourite thing is 50+ babes wearing powersuits, but my EQUAL favourite thing is 50+ babes wearing killer gowns and lording their hotness over all the youth. JUDITH YOU QUEEN. Look at that stance! That colour! What a fucking babetown population ONLY JUDITH. I found this too and had to share, bc I’m just like – tell me your secrets. I’ll do anything you say.
Hot DAMN.
TIFFANY HADDISH
I should hate this bc it reminds me of those weird giant circus tent things teachers made you fling up into the air and then run underneath in Kindy, and it was fun but then like… also really scary? Also what was that? What was the purpose of that thing? Do you know what I’m talking about? This thing:
WHAT A WIERD THING WE DID AS KIDS. We never questioned it. Anyway. Tiffany looks so goddamn delightful, happy, and colourful though that I can’t even hate.
ALLISON JANNEY
Honestly, all the mature gals are cleaning the floor with the youth at the Emmys this year. Literally wiping the filthy LA streets with their sub-par gowns. How good does Allison look! I mean she looks really itchy from all those sequins but supreme babe queen.
LETITIA WRIGHT
Letitia is such a sweet baby angel, oh my lord. I love her. I love this. I love everything when she is in a photo. I love the carpet. I love the wall.
FINN WOLFHARD
Even when you’re a seriously cool kid, you’re STILL going to be an awkward goober at times. Exhibit A: Finn Wolfhard. Look at that pose, he hates it. HATES it.
AMY SHERMAN-PALLADINO AND DANIEL PALLADINO
Guys I only put Amy in here because I NEVER KNEW WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE. Wowsers! I love Gilmore Girls. So much in fact, that I’m letting her awful tophat and weird mini skirt with stockings combo slide.
KENAN THOMPSON
Look at this dapper angelface gentleman.
JOE KEERY
Joe Keery has impregnated me as well, so now I have a tiny Joe and a tiny Antoni and I want shared custody from both. Actually, I demand you both move to my future commune and raise your children with me, where we exist in a sort of quasi-polygamist relationship.
TINA FEY AND JEFF RICHMOND
I fucking love Tina Fey and her husband. I think because I read her memoir biography thingie and their whole relationship is so bloody cute, and he seems really supportive and lovely, etc etc. Anyway. I hate her dress. I hate the belt, mainly. I’m so sorry, I feel like I teased you with my love for them together and then sideswiped you with my dress-hatred.
DARREN CRISS
Why are there shiny fires.
MICHELLE DOCKERY
It’s bordering on OTT but the colour and the applique are so pretty, I can’t hate it.
LUKE EVANS
GUESS WHAT YOU GUUUUYS, I’m pregnant for the third time, because of Luke Evans moustache. Welcome to the commune, Lukey.
NOAH SCHNAPP AND GATEN MATARAZZO
Oh you bloody ADORABLE ANGEL BABIES.
FELICITY HUFFMAN AND WILLIAM H. MACY
And look at THESE adorable angel babies! Also Felicity, once again doing it for the 50+ babes in power suits.
MANDY MOORE
I love Mandy Moore, I feel like she transitioned from overly manufactured pop princess to actual, professional actor in some genius way. But the length of this dress upsets me. BE SOMETHING, you know? Be full length or be tea length, just not weird slightly-longer-than-ankle-length.
NATALIA DYER AND CHARLIE HEATON
Fuck I love these guys, and I love Natalia’s dress, and I love Charlie’s situation even though his jacket is a weird shade of dark brown.
CALEB MCLAUGHLIN
I know teenagers have giant feet. I mean hell, I had giant feet. I know this is also probably a trick of the camera. But GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT THE FUCK MUTANT FOOT MUTANT FOOT.
ELLIE KEMPER
She reminds me of those Barbie cakes I had as a kid, when mum shoved a barbie torso into an upside down bowl cake, which I now realise was the work of an exhausted parent who just did NOT want to make ONE MORE Australian Women’s Weekly Sweet Shoppe cake, ever again.
KRISTIN CAVALLARI
For some reason Kristin has decided to return to 2004 and channel Gwen Stefani. Okay then.
Anyway hope you guys had fun, I’m now pregnant with three babies bye.
