On arguably one of the biggest political news days in three years, the newspapers around the country have had a while to figure out how to pen their witticisms to their greatest desired effect; they’ve had weeks to photoshop pictures to perfection, and this morning the proverbial paper boy yelled extra, giving us this. From least to most atrocious, here are the front pages from around the country:
THE WEEKND AUSTRALIAN
The Weekend Australian is one of the only papers of the day to visually represent both Tony Abbott and Kevin Rudd with equal space; here they both look fucking terrified, as they should, which is A+
THE SATURDAY AGE
Despite vehemently endorsing the Labor party in their editorial yesterday, the Saturday Age has showed off Tony Abbott, his daughter and Joe Hockey holding puppies. For goodness sakes, Age, don’t you want people to vote Labor? Don’t you know puppies are vote magnets?!?!? What is going on?
THE DAILY TELEGRAPH
I’ll admit, I was expecting Rupert Murdoch to plaster the tele with a firm declaration along the lines of, “Look, I just want to have sex with Tony Abbott” but apparently they held some surprising restraint. Wait a second. WE GET TO DECIDE? Daily Telegraph regulars would have been fooled in to thinking that they had no say in the thing, way to only tell them at the last minute, mates.
SYDNEY MORNING HERALD
SMH has renamed Tony Abbott ‘Mr 54%’, which has distinctly terrible ring to it. Bonus points for giving Cate Blanchett almost as much page room as T-Abs.
THE ADELAIDE ADVERTISER
True veterans of the Australian spirit, AFL takes up a good two thirds of their front page. Straya m8.
THE COURIER MAIL
Apparently the election today is between James Packer and his soon to be divorced wife?
THE HOBART MERCURY
Displays some nice propaganda with Abbott and an Australian flag waving gently and patriotically in the wind, saying “I’m Ready.” Are they ignoring every other aspect of the election aside from Tony Abbott, or…?
THE HERALD SUN
Way to be awful and ridiculous.
THE NORTHERN TERRITORY NEWS
Not sure if this is terrible or completely amazing. Hold up, I’ve just noticed the “I moustache you a hairy serious question.” NORTHERN TERRITORY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. YOU ARE FLAWLESS.