I was so excited this morning when my boss Josie told me “Mel, the Dally M Awards red carpet happened overnight”. This is because aside from The Logies and The Brownlow, The Dally M Awards are easily one of the most Year 10 formal events in the world. By which I mean the gowns are usually akin to something I cooked up during textiles class when I was 14.
[jwplayer rTF3OJ2v]
But weirdly this year I had almost no issues with everyone’s outfits. Well, I had SOME issues. There were a few ill-thought-out trains and questionable cut-outs, for example. But overall great job from Australia’s maybe ten stylists who are wheeled out for these functions four times a year – you managed to make no one look like a large cinnamon doughnut or fairy floss on a stick, congrats.
Let’s deep dive, shall we?
JARROD & BRITTNEY CROKER
Here we have one of said ill-thought-out trains – I just do not think you ever need a train at an Australian event. Trains are for the Oscars, and royal weddings. THE END. Especially a train on the back of a mini? There is no logical reason for the train to exist, you know? It has just attached itself to Brittney’s butt and is forcing us to love it. The stench of desperation (from the train, not from Brittney who otherwise looks really lovely) is horrible, someone put the train out of it’s misery.
MICHELLE & JOHN MORRIS
Ooh I love this. The top part could have been a bit more centred or something, like it sort of goes over the shoulder a bit weird? But the material and the way it falls is super flattering and pretty. I also like John’s spicy little shiny shoes. They just scream kick up your heels and do a little jig, which I’m sure he did at the after party even when Michelle was like nooooo babe you’ll get a hernia.
MARISSA & CHAD TOWNSEND
See how everyone looks nice? I LOVE this. One of my favourites – love the bishop sleeve and the champagne sparkles, the glam pony, all of it. I’ve said it before – the idea of wearing a strapless bra when pregnant with giant milk boobs is my idea of hell but I’ve also never been pregnant sooooo maybe I have no fucking idea but I just asked my Editor Josie who IS pregnant and she said “I dunno, I hated them before and I don’t know how it would physically work, but I can’t say for sure”. So. We have no answer here and I have to assume Marissa’s smile is real and not a cry for someone to please cut her restrictive bra off.
JESSE ARENA & CLINT GUNTHERSON
Can I just start by saying “Clint Guntherson” sounds like a fake name I made up when drunk and trying to get into a bar with a fake ID? That aside, I love his navy suit – very chic, very not-a-boring-black-tux. I also really like Jesse’s sparkly dress, I just wish it look like she dropped the lower half through a shredder before the event.
TODD & LISA GREENBERG
I’m not opposed to this whole Rock Of Ages 80s glam thing Lisa’s got going on, although I feel like we could have left it at the cool dress and forgone the quiff.
LARA PITT
Love it. Velvet is always a good idea. Well, unless you turned it into some sort of ball gown. Or like, shorts and a blazer. Or a cape. Okay velvet is only a good idea exactly like this the end.
BLAKE FERGUSON & DOMINIQUE MORATIS
I love this dress a lot, very princessy without being TOO princessy. It’s a fine line, you know? This angle does make it look like her right boob’s gone for a holiday out in the fresh air, but I think it’s just a trick of the camera.
MEGAN BARNARD
I’m not usually a fan of teal, it’s sort of a fake colour between blue and green, but specifically in THIS jumpsuit I can get on board. It’s probably speaking to my 70s soul.
JASON TAUMALOLO & LIANA LARIVA
Look if Liana had stood in front of a not-almost-entirely-black wall I think this would be a huge vibe, and likely was for the 99% of the night which did not involve this picture moment. However here she looks like a floating leg, hand and foot.
JIMICINA & WILL HOPOATE
YES. GREAT DRESS. Huge vibe. Simple but with a fun material, it’s so easy you guys and yet people fuck it up every goddamn three months. Anyone reading this who has an event coming up just cut this out (lol, cut it out of the internet???) and take it to your stylist.
MITCHELL PEARCE & KRISTIN SCOTT
You can also cut this out of the internet because this is equally fantastic.
DAMIEN & COURTNEY COOK
I could have done without the early-SATC-years shoulder flower but the overall vibe here is good.
JOSH ADDO-CARR & LAKAREE SMITH
I have stared far too long at this dress because I was sure I could see a nipple, but I don’t think you can thankfully? I know free the nipple is the vibe right now and all power to it, but I have this feeling Lakaree wasn’t like down for exposed nip in this dress. That being said, and it’s hard to tell because we have the same issue with black dresses / black wall / black tux as above, but overall this is looking like the right way to do the sexy-sheer thing, because I like the corset detail under the tulle, and I feel like using black mesh keeps it from being one of those naked dresses.
ALSO!!! SPARKLY JACKET ON JOSH! Fuck yeah for dudes who don’t bore me to tears with bog standard tuxes.
JOSH HODGSON & KIRBY SMITH
Look with the little spiky panel it’s a BIT teen formal, but the shimmery material is a big winner for me. Am I being too nice? Maybe I’m losing my touch? No, it is the children that are wrong.
CAMERON & MIRANDA MURRAY
Getty listed this as “Cameron Murray & Miranda” and I couldn’t tell if Miranda was his wife or if she just went by “Miranda”, like Madonna. Which would maybe be a vibe, like at the moment I’m trying to make everyone call me “Maso” and honestly, props to anyone else out here trying to force a nickname or special first-name-only moniker on themselves. It’s HARD WORK.
Oh fuck I forgot what I was doing. Ok well I can’t get a full handle on what material we’re working with here, I am hoping it’s like embellished mesh but I have a deep fear it’s more like wrinkly stretch lace, which would be alarming. The bodice is nice though. If it’s not stretch lace.
RYAN & ANA JAMES
I am so so sorry to put this visual in your head, but while Ana looks really beautiful and this is kind of a fun upgrade from a boring bog-standard formal gown, I just always see these types of dresses and think it looks like a large eel slithering up to cup the boob.
CARLY & GARETH WIDDOP
Carly looks like she wants to rip my eyes out and boil them in scalding milk, but at least she looks fucking hot as shit doing so I guess. Gareth looks like “hey mate, really sorry but Carly’s going to rip your eyeballs out and boil them in scalding milk after this, you just gotta let it happen I’ve found”.
PAUL & ANNA GALLEN
Hmmmmmm I think the Supre belt could go.
BENJI & ZOE MARSHALL
OOFT I LOVE THIS. I know that might be controversial because I can also see how you’d see the swirls as like a large glittery vagina. But I think it gets a pass because they’re not JUST over the frontbum area. This dress is a work of art.
BOYD CORDNER & GEMMA BARGE
LOVE this. Beautiful details. A great cut. 10/10.
RYAN PAPENHUYZEN & KELSEY BROWNE
Remember last year I said one dress looked like dead skin cells? This one looks like close-up dandruff. I’M SORRY. I have to be truthful!!!! You came here into my wormy brain and now you must deal with the consequences!!!
KEZIE APPS & CRAIG DURHAM
Omg bless these angels, they’re posing like it’s the year 6 formal not even the year 10 one. But it’s so fucking cute and sweet I can’t help but just love them both deeply in my soul?
JAMES & BRITTANY TAMOU
There is never, ever, ever, ever, not one time, not one situation, not ever in life, a time when you should go “you know what would improve this look? A feather flopping over my lovely blowdry like a fluffy semi-erect penis”.
CODY & NELLIE WALKER
Yessssss girl fucking SERVE in this dress! This is heaven! She looks fucking amazing. Poster woman for choosing a dress that just looks goddamn amazing on you, instead of going for bells/whistles/etc.
IOSIA & GEMMA SOLIOLA
I actually love this too, I wish you couldn’t see the mini slip but I will always back a shiny silver floaty gown. Love it.
CAMERON MUNSTER & BIANCA MCMAHON
I love this too, with the geometric cut outs etc. It’s kind of doing the sexy cutout thing without it being as obvious as a smack over the head with a rusty fry-pan filled with eggs.
And a zesty baroque blazer! As I’ve said in the past, I get so bored by the male fashion at these things I basically give anything that isn’t snooze-ville a 10/10. You wore a human skin suit? Give that man a STYLE AWARD! Don’t ask where the skin came from at least he’s being different and unique! Also maybe keep an eye on him and keep him away from the sharp knives, everyone!
TEGAN MARTIN
Last year Tegan wore like a dre-pants thing, like a pantsdress. It was very bad. This year she looks like formal Barbie and I am 10000% into it. What a GOWN.
KATE DALY & ALI BRIGGINSHAW
Making a damn fine case for women in suits, IMO more gals should opt for a tailored sexy suit over a gown, they’re always SUCH a moooood.
DALY CHERRY EVANS & VESSA ROCKCLIFF
Hmmm I mean this is like Tegan’s drepants/pandress situation from last year, just black. I simply cannot get on board with pants that also have a train.
SAVANNAH SYRED
I’m sorry is this the royal wedding of HRH Savannah of Genovia and I just wasn’t made aware? There is simply no other explanation for this level of dramatic train.
JACK WIGHTON & MONISHA LEW-FATT
Okay I’ve left this til last because I am SO conflicted. See, from this picture I was kinda on-board, I thought what we had was a dress with strategic slashes that was otherwise a lovely cut and a great colour. But a) I can now see the lower slash hits VERY close to the vaginal area which just gives me anxiety and reminds me of the years when Paris Hilton wore those jeans that basically skimmed the vulva, and also I found this photo:
Which is HELL unflattering and obviously kinda mean but I had no other way to show you how completely NOT THERE this dress actually is. It’s basically a few strips of pink stuck onto Monisha’s body? But then they also added some skin-toned mesh which you can see? I feel like it was SO close to being the perfect balance of drama and chicness but then we lost it somewhere between “add the vagina-skimming slash” and “just remove this entire half of the dress, I reckon”.
Sigh.
