In 2011, Australia exported $55 million AUD worth of seed oil and oleaginous fruits to France. In return they gave us $223 million in alcoholic beverages and loaned us Chanel muse/impersonator Anna Mouglalis and Astrid Berges-Frisbey for a night, but only if we promised to return them in the morning unscathed; to leave them as they are, the perfect specimens of heavenly Francophilia that they are. I can’t even. I just can’t. I’ve tried three times now and I can’t
April Rose Pengilly
Noted Chanel enthusiast, the reliably beehived April Rose Pengilly looks pretty fun and suitably Chanel-laden at an event that I’m only now realising is going to be stuffed with loaned Lagerfeld’s wares like a journalist at the buffet. From here on in, let’s just assume everything is Chanel unless obviously otherwise. APR looks easy, sweet and breezy; like a cumulus cloud, or a profiterole. The shoes are worthy of murder.
Kohl-eyed CW actress Phoebe Tonkin does well to belie her Sydney roots with the kind of Parisian ease that obnoxious fashion blogs are always harping on about; you know the ones that bandy about tired clichés like Brigitte Bardot sex hair and effortless chic. I digress. We want in on whatever it is that’s shared in Tonkin’s Secret Circle. Get it? Because that’s the show she was on. She wears Chanel Resort brocade shorts. Duh.
Dawn Treader and actress Laura Brent looks unbelievably creepy, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Her face is so flawless she looks like a mannequin that could come to life and strangle you with the chain of her 2.55, or whatever handbag that is. I like the effortless chic (barf) of her fitted tank and casual, caramel dominatrix sandals. The peasant skirt – while it probably costs about the same amount of money as my entire gross income ever – is a bit heavy for my liking. I would, however, like to take a nap on/under it.
I’m so impressed by Rebecca Robson. Not because she’s wearing anything particularly amazing – the strapless panelled number kinda like a car floor mat – but because she’s successfully parlayed her fifteen minutes on Australia’s Next Top Model into a career comprised of an endless succession of red carpet appearances in a way that few before, or after, her have so effortlessly (barf) managed to pull off. She does looks like a hot Amazon sex goddess though. Next!
Do you know who Deborah Symond is? I don’t. Please email me with the answer. According to Twitter, Deborah is a “Collector of Fashion, Part-Time Health Freak, Handbag Appreciator, Coconut Water Stockpiler.” In other words, I can already tell we’re going to be best friends (not). Her outfit ticks all the boxes (on an insomniac’s self-diagnosis form!) and I hope her elbow uncrooks itself soon 🙁
Hey hey heey how’s my best girlfriend, Kate Waterhouse? I’ve already exceeded my inspiring full-figured joke quotient for the day so I’ll leave you to submit your best in the comments section below. I like her outfit. She sure can wear clothes, my inspiring friend Kate.
If you are an outgoing blonde woman in Australia with acting ambitions, congratulations! You’ve come to the right place! Elizabeth Debicki will play Jordan Baker in The Great Gatsby and she seems really lovely – angelic even. From what I’ve seen in the trailer, she looks like she gives good deadpan too, which is an added bonus. That aside, it’s a shame about the camel-toe inducing properties of this hideous collared dress, which I think is also from Chanel’s Resort collection. It’s like an ill-fitting hostess outfit from the worst airline ever. Debicki: 0.5, Lagerfeld: 0. Great pumps though.
Alyssa McClelland RAKES (because she was on Rake) in the sweet-style vibes (I don’t know, it’s Friday afternoon) in a demure white top with interesting front thing (seriously, I don’t know) and a tri-tone skirt the colour of dried fruit. It’s a pretty, casual look that could have been elevated with shoes that are not those shoes and a smile that peters out somewhere between disinterested and I-just-realised-I’m-incontinent.
Luke Sales and Anna Plunkett
Thank god you’re here, Luke Sales and Anna Plunkett, because we’ve just passed the halfway point and this red carpet is too chic for its own good. Marvel at the crazy colour the designer duo bring in spades – these two wear their own wares better than anyone else and it’s a nice touch to see people who definitely own what they’re wearing (and when I say own I mean that in both red carpet senses of the word. Yes, there are two).
Super Jesus! Sarah McLeod is still a thing. Here is what I know about Sarah McLeod. Sarah McLeod likes: having hair like Pink. Sarah McLeod dislikes: being stylish.
Samantha Harris is a professional clothes wearer, and she wears the hell out of this quilted leather Josh Goot top and a mellifluous lace mille-feuille of a Chanel skirt. Harris (slash a stylist amirite?!) accessorises with a Chanel bag that looks like it’s from that Fall 2012 collection about crystals and some haute joaillerie, which is French for ‘fancy rings you ain’t ever gon’ own.’
Nathalie Darcas wears a body-con LBD with an asymmetrical hem. She accessorises with a steely glare and the same black sandals as Kate Waterhouse. How dare she?! That’s literally all I can say. Next! PS Who is Nathalie Darcas?
I don’t know what Pip Edwards is wearing but it’s kinda great. I want to say there might be some Balenciaga but I can’t be bothered trawling through Style.com or lookbooks to confirm, so let’s just run with that. I like the mix of textures she has going on: it looks like there’s some feathering, some mesh, maybe some neoprene – I don’t know. Let’s just use words like eclectic and stylist and call it day.
Last name London, first name Theophilus, middle name Little Black Jacket! Or something totally not awful like that. I’m going to overlook the belt, which is frankly ridiculous, and the gum sole sneakers-cum-hiking boots because he’s Theophilus London and he at least had the sense to literally stick to the exhibition’s eponymous dress code. Ten points for added tongue.
An Unidentifiable Madden (Joel)
Joel Madden looks like an Uruk Hai extra who has wondered way, way too far away from the set of The Hobbit, took a wrong turn into the wardrobe that leads to Narnia – which just so happened to be stocked to the hilt with ill-fitting sports/streetwear – before he stumbled out on the other end and into a Chanel event. It’s a Chanel event, Madden – show some respect. PS Why are you still here? EP01S02 of The Voice isn’t scheduled to begin for at least another six months. That’s a wrap!
Photos by Brendon Thorne via Getty. Interesting statistics via DFAT.