Just Gonna Say It: Bring Back The Soul Patch

Soul patch

Every hair trend has its moment in the sun before it’s deemed cringe and unfashionable. Look at the pornstache, the bowl cut, muttonchops, the Rachel and of course, the mullet. These trends come and go, but there’s one particular facial hairstyle I want to see return: the soul patch.

What is a soul patch? Well the answer is in the name. Some say those who grow a little triangle beneath their bottom lip also lose a part of their soul. That soul is then transported through space and time learning all the secrets of the universe, before it touches back down on earth and gives the wearer one spectacular superpower: having sex with a lot of women.

Don’t believe me? Explain Howie Mandel then.

Howie Mandel attends “America’s Got Talent” Season 8 Red Carpet Event at Radio City Music Hall (Photo by Charles Norfleet/FilmMagic).

You might be wondering why me, a wom*n, would want to bring back the soul patch? Well, Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit actually came to me in a dream and he said: “Saskia, it’s time the soul patch came back. But this time let’s do it right.”

He paused, looking me in the eye while holding back tears and said “only you can make this happen, only you can make it cool again.”

He started weeping uncontrollably at this point and singing: “No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes.” Then he vanished.

I woke up in a cold sweat, and it was at that moment I knew I had to write an article about it.

Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit, 1999 (Photo by Patrick Ford/Redferns)

You see, the soul patch has only been cringe since it was hijacked by dudebros who forgot how to shower in the late 90s and 2000s. But I’m here to tell you that it actually used to be cool. From its jazz roots to the beatnik culture of the 60s, it can be cool again. 

Look what happened to the mullet when footy players and art students got a hold of it? It went from Billy Ray Cyrus cringe to Miley Cyrus cool.

I want to see that same energy for the soul patch. Less Shannon Noll and more Timothée Chalamet with a soul patch (if he can grow facial hair, that is). This isn’t just a trend for white men who make kind of shitty music, this is a trend for everyone (except women lol).

Who will put their hand up first to take one for the team? You’ll be praised as a hero and I will personally give you my phone number… haha… just kidding… unless?

Cringe is cool and this is a trend that even those who can barely grow a speck of facial hair can partake in. Well maybe? I’m not actually sure how growing facial hair works.