All I have ever wanted in life is to be the Supreme Leader of a cult that was non-murdery and just all rainbows and smiles and everyone being happy.

Dermal Therapy Lip Balm, $3.99

I think I’ve found my cause. This fucking magical lip balm.

It’s not exactly a looker, is it. Really, compared to other fancy-looking balms on the market, you could safely say this one has a face like a dropped pie.

But goddamn I command you all (see, I’m really getting into this cult leader biz) to find me something that heals lips quicker, doesn’t turn ’em white on application, and feels magnificent. Try me. OH – and it’s 4 bucks. FOUR BLOODY BUCKS.

I will say this. Everyone’s different and some people have other favourites and that is OK. Except PSYCH I am lying bc I don’t care what you think your favourite is. You are wrong. Incorrect. Get outta here and never return.

Bye fools

I’ll start with the benefits for you, then quickly start writing absolute trash that is simply a view inside my completely deranged mind. This is why they pay me the big bucks my friends.

So. You know when your lips are chapped as fuck, and they’re sore BUT ALSO dry?

Worst combo ever, and it’s damned hard to find something that’s both soothing and nourishing. Alone, you can find both of those things – medicated balms soothe. Glossy ones nourish. That seemed to be my lot in life, to either suffer through dry lips or sore lips. Like a really boring “would you rather” question.

Dermal Therapy though – it does both. IT DOES. I swear it. Put it on at night, wake up with lips that are pretty much fresh 2 death. Put it on through the day, and you’ll find your lips are completely protected from the elements. There’s even one with SPF 50+ if you need it for the beach or sunny days.

Dermal Therapy Lip Balm SPF 50+, $4.95

I don’t actually know how it does this, I’ll be honest with you. It’s ingredients don’t actually suggest a miracle in and of themselves.

Petrolatum for example is not known to be much of an anything besides a barrier, and that’s the first ingredient listed. If that’s all it was, you’d be better off with Vaseline. But maybe it’s the clove leaf oil? Lanolin? Both together?

Idk. Who cares? Do you care? I don’t. It’s probably some dark magic tbh. Basically – put whatever the fuck you want in there Dermal Therapy, just heal my damn sunburnt/wind blown/dying lips without also poisoning me and we good.

I first tried this balm when I was despo one day. It was the first thing I saw at the chemist, and because it promises results in one day on the packet, and I believe anything and everything – seriously find a more gullible person, I am IT babey – I bought it on a whim.

After being so shocked at its efficacy, I turned into a weird obsessive. See, Dermal Therapy products are stocked at most chemists. But in a twisted turn of events, the lip balm is stocked at less. It’s harder to find. So you might spot the Dermal Therapy Heel Balm (also magnificent) but then the lip balm is nowhere to be found. Absolute travesty but life isn’t always fair, is it.

Anyway, I may/may not have accosted numerous retail assistants in the past, demanding that they MUST have this lip balm in stock because they have ALL the other Dermal Therapy products. It went something like:

“Are they say, hidden somewhere? I’ve checked the lip balm section but have you put them behind the counter because they’re so good? You know? Like medicines?”

“……No.”

Cue me laughing like a maniac to try and “calm the tense atmosphere” before rifling through the bargain bin and accidentally knocking it on its side, spilling $1 nail polishes and discontinued hand creams everywhere. In short, I can’t set foot into Gaslight Pharmacy ever again.

These days I do bulk orders over the internet. You think I’m exaggerating? Lol.

I have one of these stashed everywhere. My work desk. My bedside table. My going out bag and my normal bag. My car. My parents house. I had one at my ex-boyfriend’s place, and I left it there when he broke up with me and I bet you anything he secretly hid it so I wouldn’t take it back, the dickhead.

I joke about this cult business but legit, when I’ve Instagrammed my love for this balm (shut up) I’ve gotten DM’s from people I barely know waxing lyrical about how good it is. The cult is real friends, I’m just declaring myself it’s leader.

Okay I’d say I’m done rambling on about it, and before you blast me in the comments – no, this isn’t a sponno post my friends. I just really love the lip balm and want to dominate the world. Simple things, really.

Thoughts on our cult tagline being “Soft Lips For One And All And All For One”? I know the last bit makes no sense but it adds some je ne sais quoi, no?

Image: Napoleon Dynamite