Sure, you might say the royal wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle was entirely about “love” and “bringing the nation together”. NO. WRONG. It was entirely about who wore what (and which of Harry’s ex girlfriends would show up, and will anyone make a supreme, global embarrassment of themselves by sitting in the wrong seat).

I’m here to help you with the who wore what, because if you were anything like me last night you were 40 sheets to the wind on Pimm’s and screaming at that lovely but delusional bishop to shut the fuck up, so you probably missed all the good shit. Here we go.

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Just quietly I don’t know shit about the royals or their fancy-pants socialite mates, but this is apparently Fiona Shackleton and she looks DAMN good. I mean yes, it’s all extremely matchy-matchy but old folks like to do that shit and if you’re gonna match your entire ensemble, at least make it in an array of complementary shades like Fiona has.

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These people didn’t get names on Getty and ceebs googling, but I really like this tea dress. The pattern is beaut, the shape is extremely flattering and her hat is only mildly offensive.

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Not everyone will agree with me here but sue me – I’ve got a bit of a Marie Antoinette obsession and the velvet/ruffle vibe is doing it for me here. Love the colour, love that it’s a bit of a point of difference, choosing to purposely ignore the mollusc fascinator.

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The fascinator was one of my most hated, but the dress is one of my faves. Yeah, yeah – it’s basically a Realisation Par/Auguste The Label frock but I love both of those brands. Quick tip – if you’re even hating the fuck out of your body (stop that but also it bloody happens sometimes to the lot of us) and you have to go to something fancy, buy a wrap dress. They NEVER FAIL YOU. This gal probably ate 4 Big Macs last night because her boyfriend was being a fuckhead and she also had a serious case of PMS, but you wouldn’t know it bc THE WRAP DRESS FORGIVES ALL. I’m serious.

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GUYS I totally forgot about Carey Mulligan and Marcus Mumford, and their cute romantic story about how they were childhood besties who fell in love as adults. Anyway, that aside they both look smokin’ here – love the long coat (tails? haha who cares!) on Marcus and Carrie’s tea dress is the best of all the (numerous) wedding tea dresses we saw.

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Petition for Tom Hardy to NEVER SHAVE HIS HEAD AGAIN, I barely recognised His Royal Hotness sans hair, but also mad props to his wife for killing the fashion game with that dress and – dare I say it – that hat. It’s zesty but appropriate, I love it.

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I mean, it’s Posh and Becks. You knew she was going to show up in some insanely structured, bordering-on-office-wear outfit that should be boring but instead is amazing, and he was going to look like a snack in a v. British suit, and that’s exactly what they did.

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My MVP, my MVP, my MVP. Gina Torres – one of Meghan’s co-stars on Suits, had the best dress, the best hat, the best everything. Okay, slightly less points bc the hat is essentially an oversized fedora but given there were so many that were worse, she’s forgiven. And THE DRESS. That colour? The sheer! The pattern! Dead.

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Is Amal even human? She’s not, right. She’s like the Second Coming of Christ and we are all oblivious to it. Like you can’t be THAT good a human and THAT smart and THAT beautiful and also be well dressed. Something is going on.

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Is it just me or do you get a little evil tingle in your heart about Harry’s two most important exes (this is Cressida Bonas, btw) going to his wedding? Idk, it’s gross but I get the tingle. Anyway, this is how you show up to your ex’s wedding –  you look hot, but not TOO hot, and you absolutely wear the zestiest outfit you own bc if you start crying later, everyone will be distracted by the pattern on your dress.

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This lady is called Lady Kitty Spencer, and god knows why the Brits insist on stupid children’s names well into adulthood – see also “Bunny”, “RoRo” and “Willy”. Anyway, I hate the material of this dress but for some reason – maybe it’s the great hat, maybe it’s the fantastic accessories… I like it?

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Look at these women all together and they’re a vision. Look separately and only navy dress (one of my fave looks btw) and floral dress are killing it. I don’t even like Priyanka Chopra’s suit thing. But together – magnifique.

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I’m such a sucker for vintage 60’s and 70’s vibes, and this dress has that in spades. Plus I like the shoes even though they’re a bit strange.

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Old British folk love these weird suit-coat-dresses, and apparently Kate Middleton’s mum is one of those folks. I’m generally not a fan of the style but she works it well with all the matchy-matchy. Like I said, the old people love the matchy-matchy!

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Serena looked SO good except for her dumb hat thing. But SO FUCKING GOOD OTHERWISE, right?

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I’m obsessed with this green dress but I’m horrified by those white sunglasses. WHY ARE YOU WEARING SUNGLASSES AT A ROYAL WEDDING MATE.

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Who bloody knew Patrick J. Adams from Suits was married to PLL’s Troian Bellisario? Not bloody me! Troian looks a bit beige (well, she is wearing entirely beige) but IDK, maybe it’s the fringe teamed with the dress giving it serious Jackie O 60’s vibes but I’m into it.

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This hat needs to be binned but goddamn how good is maroon. Burgundy? Whatever, the deep wine-red shade spectrum, all v good. Also – THOSE SHOES.

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LIZ. Fucking Queen Lizzie. I mean she has her style niche and she just sticks with it – wool coat, court shoes, expensive handbag, gloves. I might be the only one who likes lime green on Our Queen but fuck it guys, she’s like 500 years old and she can still work fluoro? Give that woman a fashion medal.

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