I’m not going to sit here and pretend to you all that I know anything about style and/or fashion. My own fashion sense is largely confined to jeans and grey shirts. This is, I believe, the first article I have ever published on the style vertical of this website. But I must break my solemn vow of idiotic silence on this particular subject to ask a simple question of you all: what is this?

Balenciaga Drops A $9K Coat That’ll Make You Look Like You Robbed A Dimmeys

This is a seven-layer jacket which, according to Matches Fashion, costs nine thousand American dollars. By my simple calculations, that equates to roughly $1,285.71 per layer. Here’s the official take on this absurdity of late capitalism, which surely indicates some kind of civilisational failure on a grand scale:

Debuted on Balenciaga’s ski-themed AW18 runway, this navy parka coat is formed of seven separate layers, with the intention to be worn in cold-weather climes. It’s comprised of combination of plaid shirts, jersey hoodies, and technical fleeces, featuring cuffed sleeves, two front patch pockets, a drawstring hood and a coordinating hem – typically function-focused details reworked in under the exacting eye of Demna Gvasalia.

This is very fall of Rome stuff.

I have a few basic questions. Do they provide you with seven separate garments – one of which, I’d like to confirm, is a $1,285.71 flanno – and a recommended order for wearing them? So that if you decided to break free of the mental prison that is high fashion, you could then choose to wear the layers individually? Or are they all stitched together like a horrendous jacket rat king, forcing you to wear it only in the most subzero of Arctic climes?

I understand that if you can afford a $9,000 jacket, you are likely in a position where you will never face the elements like Leonardo Di Caprio in The Revenant. Your harshest climate experience will likely be when your manservant accidentally leaves the window open high in your luxurious Swiss alps redoubt, where you will be entertaining your rich Illuminati friends while wearing this appalling coat.

If it truly is stitched together, would it be gauche to unstitch it? You could convince yourself that you really had just bought seven individual very expensive garments. Maybe somewhere in the recesses of your wealth-addled, atrophied brain, you could even trick yourself into thinking this was somehow a bargain.

Fuck this coat.

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Image: Balenciaga