When it comes to red carpets, it’s generally assumed that the BAFTAs, Britain’s night-of-nights for film, is going to be the most piss-boring array of beige dresses and general uptightness of the year. Surprisingly, 2019’s was… not that blah.

Oh do not get me wrong, we’ve got some VERY straight-down-the-line formalwear out here. Especially from the royals (although who can blame them, given how everyone gets all assholey whenever they even BREATHE wrong). But there were some surprisingly good looks, as well as some people who clearly thought they were attending the Grammys and got a rude surprise. That is the only explanation for some of these monstrosities.

Anyway! Let’s get CRITICISING, shall we? Bc lord knows I have impeccable taste in fashion and never put a foot wrong, and therefore can shit all over people wearing ugly shoes. Total fact, right there. Definitely didn’t have a helmet bob as a 10-year-old, nope.

the smug smile of someone who can bitch about outfits because she has Linda Evangelista hair.

CATE BLANCHETT

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Her dress may have consumed her other leg, but Our Cate looks fucking SEXUAL in this situation, even though I could maybe do without the armour made of plastic jewels.

MARGOT ROBBIE

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I mean, what can we say here. Margot is perfection. It’s a Fritz Bernaise. It’s actually Chanel but I wanted to use this gif.

JOE ‘TAYLOR SWIFT’ ALWYN

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What does this guy even do, I only know him as Taylor Swift’s boyfriend. Who cares! He’s a babe! He is also wearing an alarming strait-jacket of a suit! I hate it! But he’s hot so who cares!

RAMI MALEK

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I fuckingggggg hate white suits. Cancel them forever! Burn them all at a pyre for destroying hideous white suit energy! Also why does Rami always look like he’s been caught smoking weed by his mum on the red carpet.

VIGGO MORTENSEN AND SOMEONE WHO THOUGHT SNEAKERS WERE OK ON A RED CARPET

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I’m going to assume that’s his kid, and not an 18-year-old wife? Either way, someone needs to let her know sneakers on red carpets are reserved for the Teen Choice Awards and the Teen Choice Awards only, I don’t care how cute they look with your sky blue slip (which is very cute, btw).

LETITIA WRIGHT

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I know I JUST said to cancel white suits, but when said white suit is worn by rising fashion icon Letitia Wright, rules do not apply. All I have to say is YES YES YES YES YES, HERE FOR THIS AND EVERY SINGLE THING INVOLVED IN IT. Power suits, come through.

RACHEL WEISZ

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Excuse me, this is not Disney On Ice, Rachel Weisz. Go and get changed.

RACHEL BROSNAHAN

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Does this, or does this not, look like when you did high school textiles and made your own formal dress, and it looked decent but then you were like, finished too soon and had all these weeks left to OVERTHINK IT and add sequins, and weird shit, and then a giant fucking bow, and you ruined it and now look at your formal photos and cry a single tear.

THE ROYALS

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I mean… they’re always beige as a boring couch. They kind of have to be. I wonder if Kate wishes she could rock up in a Gaga meat dress just ONCE, just once Liz, can I fucking LIVE!? Can you just let me FLY MY FLAG OF FASHION KILLERNESS?

IRINA SHAYK

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I am just living for all these women in power suits, being badass bitches on what is usually such a boring, standard-formal-gown red carpet. COME THRUUUUUUUUUUUU LADIES!

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

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I think I can see terrifying 90s sheer pearlised stockings in the mix there, and I am not here for that trend returning. It reminds me of my mum dressing up to go to musicals when I was a kid. This maybe has some connection to personal abandonment issues, I’m not sure.

VICTORIA MACGRATH

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Look at all these PERFECT POWER SUITS, fuck me UP the ladies are bringing the goods to the BAFTAs.

MAHERSHALA ALI

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I just said out loud in the too-quiet office, “if I could fuck anyone it would be Mahershala Ali while he was still wearing his BAFTAs outfit”, and I regret nothing.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

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Percentage chance of convincing Mahershala to have a threesome with me AND Timothee? Also on an actual fashion note how fucking DELICIOUS AND DELIGHTFUL is his matching shirt/jacket/tie situation. And the boots! GodDAMN you prince of sartorial excellence.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR & FRANCES AATERNIR

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On first look I was like INTO IT ALL, but then I looked closer and… there’s a cummerbund involved. And that looks like velour tie-dye.

LINDA CARDELLINI

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WHY *clap* ARE *clap* WE *clap* ALL *clap* PERFORMING *clap* IN *clap* DISNEY *clap* ON *clap* ICE.

JOANNE TUCKER & ADAM DRIVER

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Some may disagree but I really enjoy Joanne’s dress here. Adam just looks standard, I mean – can you get mad at men for not sprucing up their tux’s? Actually, yes I can. Why do WOMEN need to look trendy and chic and you just get to be BORING? At least make a snazzy jacket or tie choice, Adam.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

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Melissa looks bangin’ but it’s pretty stock-standard borza, I’ve seen her look WAY sexier and edgier and I wish this had like, a leg split or cooler details or something, you know? Basically it’s like, what I’d wear when I’m having a wardrobe meltdown and just end up putting on the thing that I know looks good but also is the safe option. Which maybe happened! I don’t know. I’m sure celebrities also have fashion crises and get emotional, and then throw themselves on the bed and scream “I’M JUST NOT FUCKING GOING BECAUSE EVERYTHING I PUT ON MAKES ME LOOK LIKE ONE OF THOSE MUTANT CARROTS WITH ARMS”. Not that that is a personal anecdote, no way.

BRIAN MAY & ANITA DOBSON

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Bow down to the BAFTAs Jesus. I don’t even care that he’s wearing sneakers. Again, rules don’t apply when you look this epic. Also check out Anita Dobson over here shitting on all the tiny-baby-aged celebrities with her insane figure and huge mood of a dress. FUCK AGEISM BC THESE GUYS JUST WON THE RED CARPET.

MARY J. BLIGE

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I know it’s Mary J. Blige and she *technically* fits in the “rules do not apply bc insanely iconic human” category, but also beb this isn’t the Grammys. Fly yourself to LA, walk THAT red carpet, and then we can talk.

OLGA KURYLENKO

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Yes yes yes yes yessssssss this is how you do sensible-yet-edgy red carpet awards dressing bitchhhhhh!

SPIKE LEE & TONYA LEWIS LEE

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Again, this is maybe TOO insane for the BAFTAs and would have been much more suited to the Grammys, but also it’s fucking Spike Lee. So.

MILLIE MCKINTOSH

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Christ on a bike, can someone collect all these Disney On Ice backup actors and send them down the road to the ice rink? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NO.

FAYE WARD

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On the other hand, ANOTHER GREAT SUIT. It’s not the BEST suit (I’d rather a less tapered leg here, I think) and she absolutely needs to lose those low-sensible-heel snakeprint monsters, but the zesty neckerchief! The vibe!

ZAWE ASHTON

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It’s *almost* “I’m a widdle baby I don’t have money, I can pay you in blocks?” levels, but the hot pink I feel makes it work. And we should have all learned by now that if you’re in pink, you get an automatic pass from me, the pink-lover.

GLENN CLOSE

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The olds are out here absolutely destroying the competition in their outfits, sorry not sorry. I do wish those shoulders were more aggressively 80s, but still.

CYNTHIA ERIVO

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WHAT ON ABSOLUTE EARTH DO YOU THINK THIS EVENT IS, CYNTHIA.

LILY COLLINS

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Oh, no. No no no no I am calling time on see-through skirts, and I am absolutely calling time on wearing cropped tuxedo jackets WITH see-through skirts.

VIOLA DAVIS

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You know what, you’d think I would hate this but it’s so 90s-throwback I think I…. enjoy it? Doesn’t it just look like something Diane Keaton/Julia Roberts/Whoopi Goldberg/All 90s Icons would have worn circa ’95?

TATIANA KORSAKOVA

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Godddd I hate dresses where there’s a weird little splurt of fabric attached to an otherwise fitted skirt, like the person wearing it did a pink explosive shit that froze mid-air. But also… PINK! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT PINK.

STACY MARTIN

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On one hand, yes to this Wednesday Adams gothic mood. On the other, what is this fresh hell.

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