‘Bachie’ Gowns Ranked By How Perilously Close Their Owners Came To A Boob Flop

Honestly, we cannot get enough of The Bachelor Australia for 2018. We are obsessed. Deeply, deeply on that Kool Aid. Aggressively into it. Mildly jealous that one of these women will get to take Nick ‘Honey Badger’ Cummins home to lock him in their bedroom.

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Because of this obsession we are literally finding any excuse in the book to write about The Bachelor Australia all day. My latest? A close look at the dresses worn during the premiere episode which aired last night. These are the top-tier ball gowns, babey! They’re as good as it’s getting until the finale. So they’re worth a squiz.

Because every man and his dog has been doing wrap articles about the gowns, I figured I’d take a different tack. Plunge was the name of the game, and that meant a myriad of women with questionable-at-best jobs mincing slowly down that red carpet made of roses for fear of slipping a tit out the side of their Hollywood-Taped-to-the-eyeballs dress. These ladies were STRAPPED THE FUCK IN because we did not spot one nip slip. But still… the potential was there, and that is the criteria for MY personal fashion wrap, friends.

A NOTE: This is not a shamey article ridiculing these women for their outfits or choices with their bods. I couldn’t give two shits if one of these women wore that completely see-through dress Kendall Jenner wore to Cannes – your body, your rules, OK? NEVER OK TO SHAME WOMEN.

This is just a jokey and completely emotionless analytical look at actual dress structure, the end.

Without further ado…

BROOKE

Brooke’s outfit was completely designed for footy-throwing, given that was the idiotic intro thing they forced her to do (I still CANNOT get over “how good’s footy!”, fuck). Her skirt has no split, and her top is fitted and comes up high on the boob. No tits will be flying here.

1/10 chance of nip.

KAYLA

The woman went for a bloody MIDNIGHT SWIM complete with pool-bombing in this getup. That spangly creation ain’t budging, folks.

1.5/10 chance of boobie land, population Kayla.

ALISHA

Okay, we’re venturing into strapless territory and we’ve all had a wardy malfuncy in one of these babies (probs back in 2007 when it was COOL TO WEAR AWFUL MR K DRESSES, ARE YOU LISTENING ALISHA) but hers is very structured, espesh around the titties, plus she was waving her bloody arms all over the joint last night so I don’t feel like there was any chance of a slip.

3/10 chance of boob explosion.

SUSIE

This strapless gown looks less secure than Alisha’s, but with one supportive arm thingy in comes in ahead of other, more stressful strapless numbers.

4/10 chance of tit soup but make it fashion.

BLAIR

Now we’re getting to the good shit, folks. Look how awkwardly she’s standing. That’s because if she lifts her arms she’ll a) rip the straps clean off this thing and b) will risk nip exposure bc that sweetheart neckline is hovering DANGEROUSLY close to areola level, amirite?

6/10 chance of airborne areola.

SHANNON

I am still lost as to what a ‘car care consultant’ actually does, which is what Shannon SAYS she does for work… but dress-wise this was pretty secure. She’s scored higher on the list bc it’s short and flippy – this is more of a “will we see a nude g-string y/n” situation.

6/10 chance of rudey nudie undie flash.

ASHLEA

You might *think* this gown looks long, locked-in and safe. But check out that material! It’s FLIMSY. It’s drapey. You don’t think a rogue boob can escape that? Ha ha ha. You make me laugh, doubter. This is the dark horse of dangerous dresses.

7/10 chance of elastic ripping and revealing half a torso.

CAYLA

Drapey silk. I mean, it’s basically asking for an escapee boobie and a vagine flash, no? That side-split! It’s almost as wild as the ones on Love Island Australia. It’s a beaut dress but absolutely gunning for a wardy malfunction.

7.5/10 chance of entire dress sliding off bc someone on-purpose treads on the train.

SOPHIE

That ~racy~ plunge is actually covered with a sheer material, so it’s less risky (from a wardrobe malfunction POV) than some of the other plungy numbers. But – we DO have a strong center split and while there’s material holding her tata’s down, one aggressive arm swing after a few too many Pinot G’s and Soph could’ve gotten a whole boob STUCK in the middle there.

7.5/10 chance of spending hours with a squished centre boob that no one tells her about.

EMILY

Fashion-wise this was one of my fave dresses of the night. Yes yes it’s not exactly TRENDY but the colour really suits her and there’s something about it that’s just eye-catching. Anyway! We aren’t here for FASHION CHAT, you guys! This is secure as shit but it’s so fucking TIGHT, I imagine Emily was seconds away from loosening the zip… and then BAM! Whole thing falls off.

8/10 chance of almost-suffocation leading to disaster.

URSZULA

I feel like I never saw Urszula, but here she is in all her stretchy lame glory. Again we have stretch material which is WAY more likely to cause a nudity hazard, plus a thigh split and plunging neckline. Do you even have to question me on this?

8/10 chance of boobs akimbo.

RENEE

Agh!!!! This is entirely about that ill-fitting top section – stylists, hi! SEW THIS WOMAN IN, FFS. I feel anxiety just looking at this image. One strap just needs to slide off a shoulder and we’ve got some wild M-rated bullshit up in here.

8.5/10 chance of lone boob escapage.

STEPH

Just quietly – which hairdresser backstage decided having Steph go to sleep in braids and then shaking them out was the level of glam we expect from this show? NO. TUBE CURLS OR DIE, OK? Anyway, dress wise she’s safe on the bottom, but that top is so strappy – and THIN straps, the kind that snap when you get a bit too bendy after a coupla champers. She was lucky.

8.5/10 chance of this exploding off her body.

CAT

Loose LACE!? THIGH SPLIT??? Girl is so fucking lucky. I would have spent the entire night stiff as a board, clutching onto the pool fence for fear of any sudden movement.

9/10 chance of, well, EVERYTHING.

ALEKSANDRA

Deep v plunge + see through panels. That is all I have to say.

9/10 chance sheer nip exposey + other boob flying free at the same time.

RHIANNON

She looks fucking epic, but shit man how stressed would you be in this! The split is a CROSS OVER, which means you have to keep pulling it into place all night, AND there’s the added stress of a deep-v plunge that honestly doesn’t seem as secure as you’d think. A N X I E T Y.

9.5/10 chance of falling over backwards, splashing Pinot G into hair and flashing ovaries to universe.

AUTUMN

We’re playing in the big leagues now, folks. This is entirely about that mesh panelling. It does NOT look sturdy. It reminds me of that swimsuit Erin wore on Love Island that was just two well-placed bits of lace. I was so stressed that entire episode.

9.5/10 chance of a gentle gust of wind threatening the carefully placed boob alignment.

TENILLE

This is a strong, 10/10 look. It’s also giving me hives due to the amount of precariously-placed sheer panels. We have potential all over the joint for unintentional exposure here, my friends.

9.5/10 chance of merely sitting down becoming a danger to cameras.

DASHA

Dasha scores so high because yes, that top is so meticulously placed it’s a joke (looks great tho) – but also because she did fucking gymnastics on the welcoming carpet.

10/10 chance of nip slip, it probably happened and they deleted it tbh.

JULIANA

Old mate “I don’t wear shoes bc I’m ~REAL~” had a surprisingly risky top on, huh? Did not notice on the screen. Am noticing now bc I had a dress EXACTLY like this in 2008 and I had a boob disaster. This is a warning – make those triangles STICK DOWN. Use gaffer tape, I don’t care.

10/10 chance bc it already happened to me and I’m traumatised.

CHRISTINA

The only thing I remember about Christina is that she screamed in Nick’s ear and jumped on him, and I thought FUCK ME MATE THAT SKIRT IS JUST GRAZING YOUR BUTTOCKIES. Which is fineeee (I’m legit NOT shaming anyone here, this is pure scientific investigation here) but if we are judging these dresses by chance of wardrobe malfunction, this dress is right up there.

11/10 chance of butt flash, which must have happened SURELY.

CASS

Cass’s dress is much more “lock down” than others, but this woman. Was she marching around stressed out of her brain or what? Huge chance she tripped on her own skirt and pulled down that loose cross-over bit right there.

12/10 chance of stress-induced stack resulting in boob explosion.

VANESSA SUNSHINE

Cannot say this woman’s name without using absolutely-made-up surname. This is so drapey I just… how did she not grab the stylist by the collar and say “listen bitch, I see what you are trying to do here and the answer is no I will NOT wear what is essentially a long piece of Spotlight material sewn in two places on national TV”.

15/10 chance of that one safety pin snapping.

BRITTANY

Captain “OH MY GOURD PORT MACQUARIE” has the deepest v of the season, congrats. It’s already slipped out of place in this promo pic, so lord knows what happened on the actual night.

20/10 chance of nip slip already having happened before the cameras rolled.

ROMY

HOO BOY! WE HAVE A WINNER! Romy gets the gong for two reasons – one, she has big boobies like yours truly and therefore I KNOW for a fact that dress would not have been able to contain those suckers. FEEL U, ROMY. I saw it happening ON the show, too. Second – how flammable does that skirt look? VERY is the answer, and given it’s all over the grass that means it would have been all over any/all candles in it’s vicinity.

100/10 chance of combo boob slip/entire dress going up in flames and incinerating in seconds.

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