On last week‘s episode of Australia’s Next Top Model, Madeline‘s time in the Next Top Model Mansion came to a close, leaving seven photogenic girls clinging tight to the dream of vogueing for a living. Who will stay and who will go? Tune in tonight at 7.30pm AEST of Fox8 or just swing by this page (bookmark it now) where we’ll be delivery a blow-by-blow account of the episode. Warning: Contains cameo appearance by the incredibly good-looking gimmick of the century, THE STENMARK TWINS, who are rumoured to be grinning humanoid robots with perfect man-hair sent from the future to share an Instagram account and be banned from holding puppies lest the sight causes women and gay men to experience spontaneous heart failure and die. Let’s live blog this
puppy DO NOT THINK ABOUT PUPPIES.
7:31pm: Self-confidence levels of the ever-diminishing inhabitants in the model manse are beginning to deflate after certified model-material Madeline was booted last week. “After Maddie went home it’s kinda like anything can happen, says Dajana staring pensively over the exquisite Sydney Harbour views. Ashley meanwhile has her eye on the prize, stating that she’s “sad to see Maddie go, but I’m not too fussed on the friendships I make in the house right now.” Reow.
7:31pm: A “Jen Mail” video message bleeps on the tablet device conveniently located nearby. Based on the not-so-subtle hints (“bust a move”, “stay on your toes”, “strike a pose”) dropped by J-Hawk‘s disembodied head, the pending modeling challenge will be dance-related. This is great news for Abbie who is “a really good dancer” according to herself.
7:33pm: The girls arrive at the Opera House where J-Hawks informs them they’ll be completing a challenge with Amber Scott, principal ballerina with the Australian Ballet, who is on stage performing en pointe which means she’s dancing on her “tippy tippy tippy toes” in Ashley terms. The models are instructed to don tutus and imitate the supremely elegant moves of Ms Scott, challenging their bodies by mimicking the moves while keeping their facial expressions as serene as possible.
7:36pm: Dance rehearsal is over and Jen tells the girl they will be making a fashion film spruiking Mt Franklin’s lightly sparkling mineral water “WITHOUT SAYING A WORD!!!” Tee hee! Dancing!
7:38pm: That night back at the model mansion Ashley, who is alleged to have a migraine, is cracking the shits at Melissa for being too loud. Ash has been prone to tantrums throughout the entire series and could benefit from having her head dipped in a large bucket of perspective.
7:43pm: It’s now Challenge Day and the gals are smothered in an embellished silk rainbow of Camilla caftans and greeted by Cha Cha Dawes before it’s time to shoot the lightly sparkling fash film. Top Model/Mt Frankie has enlisted filmmaking talent Alex Goddard for the shoot and muumuu queen Camilla Franks is on hand as a guest judge. The winner of the challenge could go home with the enormous diamante-encrusted custom made bauble twisted across Cha Cha’s chest. It’s worth over a thousand dollars so, realistically, it could go for like $500 on ebay.
7:44pm: Next up Jean-Luc-Alex Goddard drops a bomb: the girls will be filming with inseparable identical hotties and object of your weird twincest fantasies THE STENMARK TWINS. The Stenmark Twins (individual names unnecessary) are wearing SHORTS and omg their thighs are like seriously stop it. First up will be a shoot with Dajana, Duckie and Jade. In typical chill bro fashion Jade is all “I’ve never done this before so yeah I’ll do my best. If I don’t win no biggie” etc. She remains my favourite contestant.
7:49pm: All the girls seem to do a decent job and the final shot of the day has them scampering along a beach, caftans flapping wildly. Suddenly a collective scream: THE STENMARK TWINS ARE EMERGING FROM THE WATER SANS SHIRTS. “The view is spectacular,” hoots Abbie like a seedy old man while the rest of the model horde is overcome by the vapours.
7:50pm: Alex Goddard anoints Abbie and Ashley are the strongest performers of the day.
7:55pm: Time for the Fashion Shoot, but first we learn who Lightly Sparkled the best. Sunglass Head arrives on the beach with the STENMARK TWINS hoisting a velvet pillow on which the giant necklace is presented. Abbie is announced as the winner of the Mt Franklin challenge, much to the surprise of Ashley who is so gazumped by the fact she didn’t win that she wonders aloud if the judges are just picking winners at random. Bless. She is a reality television dream.
7:58pm: Sunglass Head reveals that this week’s shoot will be for swimwear – in the extreme cold no less – to be shot by Zac Handley. The aim is to look down-to-earth, happy and healthy, Aussie surfer girl in wetsuit, etc. The water looks arctic. Ha ha ha ha ha.
7:59pm: Melissa, who has admitted she isn’t the stronger swimmer in the world (“my dad says I look like I”m drowning”), will be up first and really needs to pull off a fantastic photo or face the chopping block this week. Zac (the photographer, not half the STENMARK TWINS) says Melissa does a fantastic job despite the fact her skin has turned purple and her entire body is shaking. Modeling is hard, you guys.
8:03pm: Shenali is up next and also does well. Abbie has to do the old walking-out-of-the-water-with-wetsuit-zipped-down-to-mid-boob-range shot. It’ll be interesting to see whether or not her photos turn out. Shannon is excited about the ‘surfer girl’ brief and seems to get a lot of good feedback from the photographer. Ashley however was “a little too model-y” in front of the camera. Zac proclaims Duckie as “incredible” and “super super cool”. Dajana looks hot as balls in her wetsuit but is a complete spazz at wrangling the surfboard but finally gets it. Jade cannonballs into the pool, almost doing irreparable damage to thousands of dollars worth of camera.
8:12pm: Time for panel. Shenali is first to face the judges and the consensus is she looks stunning, including Cha Cha Dawes who drops some dreadful ear-tearing surfer speak along the lines of “totally toobing it!!!” Next is Abbie and the judges love her photo although I think it’s kind of average. Jade is up next and her photo is a fairly nondescript shot of her armpitting the surfboard and staring out to sea. Sunglass Head “hates this shot”.
Shenali ‘totally tubin’ it’
8:14pm: The judges love Duckie‘s photo and, like the Abbie pic, I’m not sure I agree them. Dajana is nervous at panel but pulls out a pretty photo that the judges like, except for Sunglass Head who tactfully says “I hate it”. The word of tonight is “moment”. Cha Cha states it for the 17th time on viewing the shot of Melissa, who looks like a seven-year-old in it but “there’s definitely a moment there”. NEXT.
8:20pm: Shannon steps up for adjudication and she’s taken a pretty vacant photo. Cha Cha praises her for doing something ‘different’ but yells “dude, there’s a really hot guy sitting next to you and you’re ignoring him!!!!!”, referring to the STENMARK TWIN who cameos in this shot. “I think it’s really funny when old people use the word ‘dude'”, says Sunglass Head, magnificently evil as always. Ashley is next and is criticised by the judges for NOT being “in the moment” and Ashley starts weeping. She really needs to reel it in. The judges immediately get into placating mode and start gently patting Ashley with kid gloves.
8:23pm: Time for deliberations. All agree Shenali nailed it. Jade underperformed. Shannon “just isn’t beautiful enough” (another priceless deduction from Sunglass Head). Didier is concerned about Ashley’s inability to cope with the competition. Who’s going? I think Shannon.
8:26pm: Shenali takes out Shot Of The Week, followed by Abbie, Dajana, Duckie and Melissa. Next to go through is Shannon, proving my instincts wrong and leaving Ashley and Jade in the final two.
8:29pm: J-Hawk says the girls have presented the judges with a huge dilemma, but after careful consideration the girl still in the running yada yada yada is… Jade. Which means Ashley is going home. Oh dear. She’s very upset (and PS what the hell is this depresso song?!?)
8:30pm: Ash packs up, exits in the Nissan, and closes another week of Australia’s Next Top Model. Till next time.