Ah, the Australian Open. You’d think it’s about the magnificent sport that is tennis, right? But it’s not. Nope! Not if you’re me and like, at least 50% of the country – a statistic I’ve entirely made up but am guestimating is maybe somewhat correct!

In fact, it’s just an opportunity to a) decide which of the players you want to fuck (Stefanos, what’s up) and b) enjoy the colourful fashions the sports brands dole out on their sponno players.

This article is mainly about b) but I’ll probably go on ad nauseam about a) too because I am a thirsty bitch with no class.

SERENA WILLIAMS

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Oof, right outta the gates with a controversial little number from GOAT Serena Williams! Ok, most people fucking hate this outfit – but I applaud Sezzy for the practicality here. Like YES I want to wear a lycra playsuit to play a very important sportsing game, you know? Comfort level 40000. I too like to lock my boobs and butt in real good when I sports (lol this happens like 2 times a year) so fuck it, I’m giving this a pass – even though that green is an assault on the eyes.

NOVAK DJOKOVIC

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Here’s another guy who’s on a ONE WAY TICKET TO BONETOWN, POPULATION JUST ME. But also from a sartorial perspective, how’s the colour co-ordination here? It’s legendary. The shoes, the shirt, the crisp tennis whites. Even his little wrist things (are they for soaking sweat or wrist protection? Someone assist me) are working into the outfit.

TOMAS BERDYCH

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I have a real aversion to army print in general outside of the actual army – but white and grey army print? What are you camouflaging into, The Wall in Game Of Thrones? ARE YOU A SECRET WIGHT, TOMAS? Come to think of it those eyes are piercingly blue….

KEI NISHIKORI

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THIS is the MVP outfit from the Aus Open so far. THIS MASTERPIECE. We’ve got throwback United Colors Of Benetton shades happening with the mustard and the forest green. The little tie-in accents on those Nike sneaks. The painfully chic beige cap. I bet Anna Wintour fainted and then clambered over the railing to hug Kei here, whispering “thank you, thank you, for rescuing on-court fashion forever”.

DANIIL MEDVEDEV

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Ugh I just hate coral. I know it’s the Pantone colour of the year for 2019, but fuck it – everyone burn anything in your wardrobe that’s coral, Marie Kondo-style. IT WILL NOT SPARK JOY. IT WILL NOT.

SIMONA HALEP

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Okay, this skirt makes multiple appearances on court across various players and I… fucking hate it? It’s FAKE DENIM. It’s the jeggings of the tennis world, and I am not here for it. Shoes are fun and zesty though.

BORNA CORIC

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Those shorts look suspiciously like they’re made from the same jeggings material as Simona’s skirt… but I’m enjoying those aqua sneakies. Also Borna COME ON, that racquet definitely cost over a hundred bucks, take care of your things! Control the rage!

NAOMI OSAKA

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I much preferred Maria Sharapova’s tie-dye-esque dress over Naomi’s here, but I really love the candy pink accessories.

ANASTASIA PAVLYUCHENKOVA

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Ok so Anastasia’s sneakers look kind of weathered and worn, BUT then I thought – isn’t it weird how they all wear brand new sneaks? When I wear brand new sneaks for my 0.2 hours of sport I do per year, my feet hurt and I hate everything. So *if* Anastasia chooses to wear some older bog-shoes, I won’t hold it against her.

That being said, I’m definitely holding that strange skort thing that looks like a large nappy against her.

ROGER FEDERER

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Fed’s outfit here is meh as fuck – also those shorts give him large-bum right? Like they taper in which a) seems really uncomfy for tennis-ing and b) it’s universally known that tapered knee-length shorts are fashion murder. But that’s all an aside bc FEDSTER HAS PERSONALISED SNEAKIES BABEY!

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I don’t know or care what these mean but I LIKE PERSONALISATION.

MARIN CILIC

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This is LUSH. Aqua is always a good time (also bonus – actual camouflage into the blue court, so you can sneak around like a sneky snake against your opponent) and I also want to acknowledge Cilic’s really manicured facial hair.

RAFAEL NADAL

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Do we WANT our tennis players to look like a fresh cup of orange juice? Yes, yes we do Nadal. We love it. Fun side note once I microwaved orange juice when I was 10, just to see what happened. It wasn’t good, don’t do that.

ASH BARTY

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“OUR” Ash, the Poiple’s Princess of Tennis (basically), looked like a heavenly musk stick on court. I am OBSESSSSSED with this entire thing bc I am the most cliche basic bitch of a girl and I just see baby pink and DIE. It’s too much, I adore this.

FRANCES TIAFOE

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I like Tiafoe’s pout here and I like his fluoro racquet, but I hate everything else bc is THAT THE JEGGINGS MATERIAL AGAIN. I THINK IT IS.

MARIA SHARAPOVA

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She looks like a mermaid wearing a red visor. If I saw a mermaid wearing a visor I’d be like “cute tail, shame about the red visor”.

RINKY HIJIKATA

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You know what, I love this? I think it’s because no one else is really repping fluoro yellow and in contrast to the blue court, it totally works.

ALEX DE MINAUR

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I really love how Alex/Alex’s fashion team are leaning HARD on the whole “The Demon” nickname for his on court lewks. The shoes (which had “Demon” on the side btw), the fire-red shirt… like if you’ve got an angle you should definitely work it so everyone starts calling you by your nickname, even if they did not want to (me).

VENUS WILLIAMS

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Look at this spicy little tropical number! It’s like beach-to-bar wear, except it’s court to bar! I highly doubt Venus walked off the court and straight into the nearest poolside cocktail spot, but also maybe she enjoys a mango marg after a big tennis sesh. Who knows. I for one would applaud that decision, what a fucking mood that’d be.

LAURA SIEGEMUND

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TWO THINGS: firstly, the baby pink is back so Mel’s head (me) has exploded and just instantly loves this outfit. Secondly, how’s that Lleyton “CAMAAAAARN” pose. 10/10 just for that, Laura.

STEFANOS TSITSIPAS

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Stefanos, hello. I like your pink sweat band, I like your marine-coloured shoes, and I especially like your face, which I would also enjoy LICKING.

JOHN MCENROE

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Look at those socks. D-A-D-D-Y.

I need to stop immediately, goodbye.

Image: Getty Images