Just as a mare licks clean from its foal the viscous afterbirth left clinging to its frame upon its entry into this cruel world in a feeble attempt to stop it looking totally gross and malformed, so too has Gai Waterhouse’s Tongue come to the defence of her sticky foal Tom Waterhouse.
In a didactic fury in today’s Sunday Telegraph accompanied by some face-punchingly cringe-inducing photographs, Mother Gai attempts to wash away some of the placental expulsion clouding Australia’s view of her magnificent son – a model of virtue, a purebred stallion – while also offering some helpful tips about how you – an unwashed barnyard varietal, a Shetland Pony with a bung leg – can more closely resemble her own kith and kin.
For Gai so loved Australia that she gave us her one and only begotten Son.
Last week a senate enquiry ruled that Lil Tommy would not be allowed to offer his opinions during sports broadcasts after it was deemed he had begun to blur the lines between his role as commentator and bookmaker on the Nine Network, broadcaster of the NRL, with whom he has a $5 million five year contract as the game’s principle betting sponsor.
In today’s episode of ‘Muuuumm pls stop it, ugh ur embarrassing meee‘, millinery nightmare and helicopter mother Gai has rushed to her son’s defence after the enquiry, telling the Telegraph politicians should “lay off her son, whose only fault is ‘working his butt off,’” adding that “if everyone worked as hard as my son Tom we’d have a much better society in Australia:
“They should stop criticising – all they can ever do, the Greenies and all the rest of them. Bugger the criticism. They want to kill every industry in Australia and then they wonder why they are going belly up.
“He is out there working his butt off.“
In response to criticisms over the relentless overexposure of her son’s business and its role in promoting problem gambling, Gai asserted that all who take umbrage with Tom’s venture or his ability as a commentator should simply employ their “freedom of choice of turning the television off. They don’t have to pick up the phone to have a bet. They don’t have to pick up a cigarette and smoke it.
“They don’t have to do anything.”
Gai, wait a second; don’t you want us to do something though? To work harder? To be more like Tom?
“People have got intelligence and make up their minds” continues Gai, directly contradicting everything about her son’s entire business ethos and mission statement, which clearly states that he “knows what punters want;” that’s why you should give him your money, isn’t it, because apparently (presumably this is the ostensible reason for establishing a betting company that at least pretends to help punters get “what they want”) you don’t.
In related Watelegraphouse news, today’s Date With Kate was Prinnie Stephens, an apprentice in celebrity also on the Nine Network.
They ate toast.
#TBT Photo: Kristian Dowling via Getty
