stimulation festival Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is upon us once again, and the beauty and wonder has made us want to weep actual tears yet again.
This year welcomed new angels Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner, who joined a 50-strong bevy of beauties including VS royalty Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Behati Prinsloo, Candice Swanepoel, Lily Aldridge, Jac Jagaciak, Lily Donaldson, and Magdalena Frackowiak.
However, despite trying desperately to focus on the immense perfection of the angels, I’m personally struggling to process logistics. This is a lingerie show, yeah? And one of the main functions of lingerie is to make you feel especially sexy while riding the shag train to bonkville, yeah? We can’t help but wonder, how difficult would it actually be to get your bone on while wearing some of the outfits from 2015’s VS offering?
In case you don’t have much time on your hands/your boss is peering over your shoulder and you can’t scroll down further, the answer is: very difficult.
You may feel as though you are a firework in the sack, but we can assure you that it’s never a great idea to rack up your sexual partner’s electricity bill with a set of giant light-up wings. While Behati Prinsloo may look like a pyrotechnic dream, she’d probably really struggle to move about in… certain situations. You may also get all tangled up in power cables and asphyxiate yourself, which gets awkward quickly… unless it’s on purpose, of course.
COMIN’ STRAIGHT FROM THE WAVES
Now this would just be plain painful, no? Lying on a surfboard while you’re ~surfing into bonetown~ literally sounds like one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever experienced. Also, trying to peel a wetsuit off after going for a surf is kinda tough, so make sure you plan plenty of time before you’re gonna get down to it. Devon Windsor seems pretty chilled all up in her half-rashie and neoprene shoes, but I’ll eat my hat if she manages to comfortably get jiggy in that outfit.
Brand-spankin’ new angel Gigi Hadid obviously looks like fluttering beauty, but personally, I’ve always made it a priority not to remind my sexual partners of huge winged insects. Anyone else? No? Okay then.
VERY DIFFICULT TO TAKE OFF
Well this just looks… awkward. Cindy Bruna is all wrapped in jewels and a body stocking, and while she looks babin’ AF, can you imagine having a sit-down discussion with your sex friend about best way to take off your clothing? “Yep, so just slip that over my should…. OMG DON’T STRETCH IT! All the Swarovski crystals are falling off! Okay yep, you ripped it. Do you have any idea how much money this bodysuit costs? You asshole.” Instant boner killer.
Even Candice Swanepoel‘s outfit is all bottoms! Impossiblè. Also, Cindy & Candice look like summer and winter in human form, which could make for a pretty rad Bureau of Meteorology-themed ménage à trois.
WE DON’T EVEN KNOW ???
Yeah look… we don’t know. We really don’t. Is this a fetish thing? Do… do people like this? Behati looks somewhat like she’s exploded in a Roger Rabbit-themed cloud of tasselled smoke, and Elsa Hosk would definitely fit into a slapstick comedy routine featuring Jeremy Scott and Lady Marmalade. Honestly, wearing these outfits in the bedroom could go horribly wrong, because your sexual partner will go blind. They will lose their sight completely, and not because you gave them the best big O of their lives.
FITTING INTO A BEDROOM
We can safely say that to have sex, one must fit into a room. Unlike this outfit, which features an enormous set of feather-wings worn by beauty Maria Borges. End of story.
COMING STRAIGHT FROM WORK
Taking a nooner and heading to your fuckbuddy’s place straight from work can often make your workday exponentially better (Is my boss reading this article?) but not if you’re a firefighter. Those high-vis pants Gigi is wearing are made out of rubber or some shit, yeah? And there’d be ash and charcoal all over the bedsheets. Messy, ya’ll (and not in a good way).
Nah, no complaints here. You swirl that skirt, Kendall Jenner! 10/10, would think about smanging while wearing this ~sassy as fuck~ outfit again.
Who knows. Give it a shot, sexually-active readers. Let us know how you go – we are genuinely curious.
Images: Dimitrios Kambouris & Kevin Mazur via Getty Images.