Hello friends, welcome to this American Music Awards fashion wrap, which is not by Mel because she is travelling in the outback somewhere. I am going to try to do my best to capture her spirit and the vibe that of this wonderful, important event, a chance to throw away the classy sensible heel ya wore to the Emmys last month and do something bolder with your look.

It’s the American Music Awards, baby! The second-most daring of all the US red carpets, after the Grammys! People wear crazy-arse shit here, and the best part about it is that almost half the time they actually pull it off. Strap in, we’re going to Los Angeles.

ALEXA BLISS

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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I did not want to start this by saying mean things but I have to say a mean thing, which is I did not know the early to mid-’00s were back in fashion. Exposed midriffs and pink ends, not for me. I’m all grown up now. Still I like Alexa’s make-up, which I am definitely not saying just because I found out she’s a professional wrestler and could absolutely destroy me.

AMANDLA STENBERG

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Rue from Hunger Games looks cool as shit in this large bow-tie, tuxe jacket and regular-cut jeans combo. The black patent boots? Mwah, bellísimo. If you can’t turn up in half-casual, half-formal wear to the American Music Awards, where can you?

AMARA LA NEGRA

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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There is too much to unpack here. Clear heels, fluorescent yellow claw nails, trouser-trains (???), shoulder pads, peplum, a real low cut. And the metallic blue colour. But you know what? This is batshit in the best way, because the ballsy La Negra looks like a glam alien.

AMBER HEARD

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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This dress from Amber Heard is so fucking tasteful and pretty I can’t look away. It is a perfect dress and she is beautiful and could go straight from the AMAs to the Oscars rn, which frankly is missing the point of today’s entire exercise. Still, at least if she had to be so goddamn classy she made it shiny and added a high slit. But know now, Amber, because of course you are reading this, next year you could make the slit even higher and no one would bat an eyelid.

ASHLEE SIMPSON

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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I’m really trying so hard to just be like YAAAAS this is good-horrible, not horrible-horrible, but I just can’t do it. The dress, it is no good. It clearly doesn’t fit and the sleeves are too long and why is it so baggy under the armpits? The choker dress trend is over, platform shoes are done, I think maybe a lighter make-up look or a less harsh hairdo could’ve maybe saved this. Still, the colour is nice and we gotta commend the sparkle. This might be the AMAs’ worst look.

BAD BUNNY & J BALVIN

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Just kidding! Bad Bunny’s look is the worst look. He got someone to use costume make-up to draw a third eye on his forehead for reasons? It looks awful. He is also wearing an edgy skull-fire party shirt, vertically striped pants and white joggers. Nope. J Balvin is dressed like Gerard Way in ‘Welcome to the Black Parade‘, which we can’t fault.

Let’s look at that third eye and the trendy tiny barely-covers-your-eyes sunnies closer:

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Mmm, no.

BEBE REXHA

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Bebe Rexha is also wearing shoulder pads and combined with that short ‘do and her shiny dress she’s definitely sending out ’80s Marilyn Monroe vibes. It’s hot, and I especially like the flirty pose. Bebe, you keep doing exactly what you’re doing.

BUSY PHILIPPS

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Busy Philipps is wearing a tried and true AMAs look: a blazer buttoned on top of a bra. That’s it. That’s the look. The AMAs is exactly where you are supposed to wear exposed lingerie with sequinned pants here. Let Busy and her still-fantastic-at-39 cleavage LIVE.

CAMILA CABELLO

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

Image source: Jon Kopaloff.

Camila Cabelo looks fine but boring. A black corset, fitted slacks and stilettos? An opportunity has been missed here, Camila, pls up your game for next year. Your hair, especially your bangs, looks great though. You are a very pretty young woman.

CARDI B

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Sorry, this round-up is cancelled because Cardi B wins. This is the most wonderful, colourful look of the night. She rocks it totally, she pairs the shoes perfectly, she is absolutely rockin’ the matching headpiece. There is nothing wrong with this outfit and all we mere mortals can do now is bow down before Cardi. Baiiiii.

CARRIE UNDERWOOD

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Could you tell here that Carrie Underwood is very pregnant? No! Because she knows her angles! And this dress is dream maternity wear, all velvet and cut to her curves. That sexy leg slit? The matching gold shoes? The glowy make-up look? G.O.R.G.E.O.U.S.

CHLOE X HALLE

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Chloe x Halle are returning from their time away in India as part of the most colourful cult. I would mock them for wearing the least fitted thing possible, but honestly, they’re young and hot, and we would like to join their cult pls.

CIARA

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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I do not understand this little cocktail dress at all Ciara. It’s like a cool sports luxe jacket worn as a dress but belted at the waist so it adheres to her curves. There are just so many zips. Her hair is magical though and her make-up look is on point. Still, the dress, I do not like it.

COBIE SMULDERS & TARAN KILLAM

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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How I Met Your Mother star Cobie Smulders has turned up with her Saturday Night Live husband , Taran Killam, and the vibe is parents on their first night out away from the kids. The dress is… fine, but her hair and make-up and shoes are real good, and it looks like Killam has decided to come out in his dress sneakers. Meh.

CONSTANCE WU

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Crazy Rich AsiansConstance Wu looks pure fire, flirting with the camera like that. The gathered sleeve on her sequinned dress kinda counters the cocktail-length of the skirt and pulls it all together. Also we like that she got to wear pockets. Pockets are good for keeping things.

DAMON SHARPE

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Who the fuck is Damon Sharpe and WTF is he wearing? He’s a producer! And this garish suit is very shiny and hurts my eyes. But also, it’s the AMAs, remember, so he’s supposed to wear a fun suit. But maybe this is too fun? At the very least please either button up a little or undo more buttons, that shirt is at that awkward in-between level of buttoned and it doesn’t work for me.

DUA LIPA

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Dua Lipa is dressed like a wedding bon-bon! If you pull the skirt you might a joke will fall out, and maybe a tiny whistle. The make-up look is too washed out and I would like it if her nails were painted a darker shade. But you know what bon-bons are fun so this is fun.

ELLA MAI

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Ella Mai arrived in a light kinda turquoise power suit and the jacket is to long. But the wide legs are the perfect width! And the shoulders and top half of the blazer are perfectly fitted! But light turqoise is a weird not colour. Is this what teal is? If so, put it in the bin, the colour, not Ella, she’s still working it, because this is about confidence, baby!

HALSEY

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Halsey is dressed like how I imagine Hayley Williams from Paramore dressed for her formal. My inner emo thinks this is cool as shit, especially the colour, and all her tattoos. She has the haircut a number of my emo peers had in early high school. Halsey looks like an emo dream, well done.

HEIDI KLUM

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Heidi Klum is wearing a lot of fringe and also crochet and also sparkles. It is a lot going on, but her figure in it is *kisses fingers* and she has done her hair like a supermodel emerging from the ocean. She looks like a goth mermaid trying out different fabrics in Textiles class.

HILARY ROBERTS

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Hilary Roberts has sewn many red flowers onto what could have been a very risque gown. I like it, it looks like she rolled around in a garden The split is good, the colour is good, but she needed a better bra and shoes that actually fit for her big day. A solid effort.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Sure, the colour is a bit much, but this is fucking JLo, and JLo can wear whatever the fuck she wants. She’s fierce and her tits look great and the cutouts are great and you know what she’s pop’s reigning queen, we must respect her.

JOHN STAMOS

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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That is a Jonas Brothers shirt.

KATHRYN HAHN

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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I think Kathryn Hahn just put her coat on instead of a dress and she looks amazing. She has the legs of a 20-something, and the pose. The heels look like they would pop if she was not on a carpet the exact same colour – but that’s okay, because Hahn is putting all them younger gals to SHAME.

KELSEA BALLERINI

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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I googled it and Kelsea is a country singer, so maybe that explains why this cocktail dress is no good? Yellow, black, zebra, shiny, mesh heels, short skirt, it’s too much. The understated make-up is good but and so is the plunging neckline and the shoulder pads. I’m half-half here, confused and exhausted.

KHALID

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Khalid is working it in his pink sorta-not-really suit. He seems happy to be there and the turtleneck matched to comfy sneaks look is cute with the chain and to be honest we’re just into that big ol’ grin. There’s nothing like a big ol’ red carpet grin.

LAURA MARANO

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Laura Marano looks like she just got out of the shower, she’s all glistening and shiny and if you were looking at this from really far away or without glasses she could be naked. But she isn’t! She’s wearing a tasteful dress! Made provocative by virtue of being nude. I think I like it.

LAUREN DAIGLE

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Lauren Daigle is wearing a dress made from every tablecloth in my gran’s house. It’s no good.

LAUREN JAUREGUI

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Lauren Jauregui is wearing the dress I imagined wearing to formal but could not afford. It is awesome and spooky and is basically an audition for the role Ursula in the live-action Little Mermaid (that’s a compliment, she’s the best character), or to be the lead singer in an Evanescence cover band.

LEIGHTON MEESTER

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Blair from Gossip Girl forgot to apply fake tan before wearing a sternum cut-out. She is dressed like a black and white cookie, but with a mesh (???) bit in the middle. I am sorry it is no good. Probably should’ve gone for a headband.

LEXY PANTERRA

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Lexy Panterra is shiny and fun and is definitely having a better time than you rn. 10/10 AMAs look.

LIL DICKY & BENNY BLANCO

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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We do not know why the boys are holding hands but we like the colour of their suits and also their joy. Blanco’s shoes are also good, as is his chest jewellery. I like that Lil Dicky’s tie matches Blanco’s suit. Best pals having the best day.

LOREN GRAY

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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This is too matchy-matchy, but now that I know Loren is only 16 I feel bad for judging her. She looks much older which is not a compliment. But I guess the only correct age to wear fluoro on a red carpet is 16.

MACAULEY CULKIN

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Macauley Culkin is BACK and he’s dressed well. The hairy Pizza Underground look was a good time though, we miss it. I guess this is growing up.

MARSAI MARTIN

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Marsai Martin is cute as hell because 14 is the perfect time to wear a strapless dress and this much tulle.

GREY

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Grey literally died their hair the colour grey! They’re wearing mesh cardigans and streetwear! This is very AMAs-appropriate.

PATRICK STARR

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Patrick Starr is living his best life as a Carmen Miranda impersonator.

POPPY

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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OMFG WHAT IS THIS MASK. NO. NO TO THIS MASK. I feel like I should be celebrating the pure insanity of the tights with bow-tie stilettos and the pink furry gown with like a pink mesh bit but I hate it all because of that mask. It is a nightmare mask and it needs to go away.

POST MALONE

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Post Malone wore the perfect suit and boots to match his balls-out face tattoo. It’s bright blue! There’s snakes! Sequinned glitter boots! He’s dressed like Vince Noir.

QVEEN HERBY

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Qveen Herby’s structured floral but transparent dress is cute and flirty and the exact right amount of subversive. I like the specs. I like all of it. It’s crazy in the most beautiful way.

RAMI MALEK

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Rami Malek is wearing a perfectly nice suit. It is the kind of casual checked suit you can only wear to special occasions that are not too special like the Golden Globes. The button-up is good and his shoes are very shiny. You could take Rami home to meet your mum tonight.

RITA ORA

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Rita Ora is wearing a black fishtail dress and puffy sleeves in a floral pattern and do I really need to write that this is no good or do you already know?

SHAWN MENDES

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Shawn Mendes is cute as a button. Five stars.

SIBLEY SCOLES

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Just WOW. It is so shiny and there is so much showing I do not know where to look. I like how happy the journo is to be there. I like how she has studied all of the looks from past years and rammed them all together into this travesty. I like her strong eyebrows.

TAYLOR SWIFT

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Taylor Swift is dressed like a sexy disco ball/robot. Taylor Swift can do whatever she wants.

TIFFANY YOUNG

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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This is genuinely a lovely dress Tiffany could wear again to a fancy bottomless brunch with friends. She looks uncomfortable but great.

TINA GUO

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Cellist Tina Guo is getting married straight after the ceremony.

TYRA BANKS

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Tyra Banks is dressed as a pirate who loves both Christmas and trains.

VANESSA HUDGENS

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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This is a genuinely gorgeous simple gown and sincerely the best look of the night (after Cardi B).

ZEDD

Here’s Every Absolutely Bonkers Red Carpet Look From The American Music Awards

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Zedd looks like your cute year ten boyfriend in his special sparkly jacket. Black slacks and shirts with silver sparkly jackets are actually my horny trigger, so thanks for that Zedd.

Image: Getty Images / John Shearer