All The Celebs Serving Looks & Those Serving Plain Boiled Rice At The Critics Choice Awards

You guys, did you know I love awards season? What, you did? You did because I mention it every-fucking-time I write a fashion wrap article like this one on the 2020 Critics Choice Awards?

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Yes it is me, the awards season lover and fan of critiquing celebrity fashion like I am the bitchy one on Project Runway and not, in reality, the token celeb who knows nothing about fashion but sits there smiling and nodding to cover this fact.

Anyway! Enough chit chat! Let’s get into it!

ZENDAYA

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I just… I mean look, I’ll just stream-of-consciousness my thought process, ok? Zendaya is extremely cool and can get away with most things, including murder. If she murdered someone I would happily help her cover it up. The colour is gorgeous. I love the two-piece nature of it. I kind of love the bustier, I also kind of want to light the bustier on fire.

I don’t like seeing moulded boobs. Like in X Men when the blue woman goes blue and it moulds her boobs. Or when people paint their boobs as an outfit. I’m not boob-averse but it just looks alarming when it’s encased in a slithery shell like that.

In short, I don’t know what I’m feeling but I’m very sweaty and my back is itchy.

LUCY HALE

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I just think mint green and black are always a terrible idea, my intense dislike for choc-mint icecream may have influenced this opinion.

Also what is that BEJEWELLED PLASTIC BELT. It’s like she fell off a chandelier and got it stuck around her waist, then went with it.

ANDREW SCOTT

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I will never have a bad word to say about Hot Priest.

JULIA BUTTERS

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This is that precocious kid from Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, you know, the child actor that Leo talks to for 40 years too long on set? And you were like, please stop conversing and do something interesting, why is this entire film just people talking in riddles and staring?

Anyway she is clearly just as precocious IRL as she was in that film, because there are 100 photos of her whipping this skir-pant out, as kids do. Just super proud of her skir-pant. She will regret this in 10 years time, just like me with my hot pink cord flares that I wore with a more muted pink strawberry top. I was 15.

AJ MICHALKA

Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Critics Choice Association

AJ is all grown up! I actually think she might be in her late 30s so she was always grown up, but you know – no longer starring in weird music videos with her sister or playing the same Disney character in the same Disney sitcom.

Also, who remembers Hellcats. Actually that was Aly Michalka. As you were.

MANDY MOORE

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You know what would have been chic as hell? This, minus the CAPE (!!!!!) just a nice necktie and a sleek jumpsuit. But no, someone had to say “hey Mandy, ever wanted to be a superhero”.

FLORENCE PUGH

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I’ll never forgive Florence for playing Amy March, my most hated film character, but I have to say subjectively that she looks great here, like a fashionable snowflake.

MARCUS SCRIBNER

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Aaaare we doing bomber jackets on the red carpet? Is that what we are doing now?

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

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Beanie RULES and this colour scheme (forever a fan of pink/red) also rules, but the material does NOT. That is not a good material for anyone who had to sit down in a limo in LA traffic for an inordinate amount of time. Where was the panicked assistant with the portable steamer? That is what Beanie is screaming with her glare right there.

CHRISTOPHER ABBOTT

Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for FIJI Water

I am forever VERY very partial to Men In Velvet, and what I mean by that is I have a fire in my loins called Christopher Abbott right now.

BILLY PORTER

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If Billy Porter stops being Full Billy (extra, fantastically extra) then we know it’s all over – no point fighting climate change from that point, because it will be a sign from the heavens that the world is about to disintegrate.

CYNTHIA ERIVO

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Ok, my brain says the sleeves are too long, the chest pattern looks like a rare bug related rash, and that it’s just TOO MUCH GOING ON… but my heart says this is so deliciously wild and modern, and I love it.

JOEY KING

George Pimentel/WireImage

Joey is fucking done with whichever stylist shoehorned her foot into sharp, pointed plastic heels – but also this dress is perfect, as is the (maybe) visible packet of hayfever tablets escaping her clutch.

THOMASIN MACKENZIE

Michael Kovac/Getty Images for Champagne Collet

Thomasin Mackenzie or surprise ghost from 1845 of a young women who tragically perished from consumption in the streets of London?

NICK KROLL

Steve Granitz/WireImage

IDK why Nick decided to dress as a KFC waiter, if KFC had one fine dining establishment.

MARGARET QUALLEY

Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Critics Choice Association

All Margaret ever does is wear Chanel and look like she broke a bone and is trying to hide the fact until she can get away from the cameras, and yet it just continually works doesn’t it?

KAITLYN DEVER

Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Critics Choice Association

First glance – great. Second glance – why has she got partially non-existent tulle sleeves that look like fishing nets.

MERRITT WEVER

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The Queen Of Resting Bitchface is back, more bitchfacey than ever and in yet another DGAF-chic suit. I can’t with this woman, I want her to be my mum.

SAOIRSE RONAN

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I was calling Saoirse “Sayoheerse” the other day and my friend said “Shorsha”. SHORSHA. Irish names are a mystery to us all. Anyway SHORSHA looks fantastic, although I’ll never be on board with an artfully gelled long fringe.

UPDATE: Guess the fuck what, guys. That friend read this and said – I shit you not – It’s “Sersha”. A whole new one.

AWKWAFINA

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I know it looks a tiny bit sack-like here but honestly, this dress when you see Awkwafina moving is SO SO good. It’s drapey in all the right places, and the colour is heaven.

LAURA DERN

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I fucking love this – the colour, the minimalist cut, Laura Dern in general.

PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE

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It’s not her best, but it’s also top 10 because Phoebe never lets us down, and never will (do not let me down Phoebe or else).

OLIVIA WILDE & JASON SUDEIKIS

Steve Granitz/WireImage

I love Olivia’s 60s-esque dress, if it didn’t have the plunge it would look like one of those awkward dresses 50s women wore when they were pregnant, as though wearing a giant swathe of material over a HUMAN BEING IN YOUR STOMACH could mask your pregnancy or something? Old fashioned people are weird. Anyway, love it.

GRETA GERWIG

George Pimentel/WireImage

This is SO much better than her Golden Globes outfit!!! She looks cool and “ugh this old thing?” here, although I reckon the jacket open and a sheer blouse would have broken up the heavy velvet perfectly.

J.LO

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I was like “why the shit is J.Lo here” and then I remembered HUSTLERS and her STELLAR PERFORMANCE. I hard pass this dress but I full… don’t pass J.Lo for an award in that film.

ALISON BRIE

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Love. More 60s vibes.

CHARLIZE THERON

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Remember that period in the 2010s when we wore blazers over everything, for some questionable reason? It was like we were trying to make every outfit business-casual?

Why is Charlize still doing that?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Critics Choice Association

You know what, I fuck with a power sleeve.

LUPITA NYONG’O

Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Critics Choice Association

Look I love a nude dress, but I feel like you have to off-set it with details or you just look actually nude? I don’t hate this because the leather bustier bit is very chic, but I wish the skirt had more going on.

KRISTEN BELL

Steve Granitz/WireImage

WHY, KRISTEN? Why the single elongated sleeve? Although, useful for whipping people who wrong you. Actually, continue Kristen.

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