The best event of awards season is heeeeere! Goodbye any productivity I was going to have todaaaaay! Hello dissecting celebrity fashion from the 2020 Academy Awards / Oscars / Whatever red carpet until I dieeee!

Yes, in case that garbled first paragraph didn’t make sense to your sensible, coffee-calmed brain – it’s Academy Awards day, baby, and I’m feeling ALIVE!

It’s oh, only the best day in the entire awards season calendar by far! The premium celebrities! The top shelf couture! It’s all present and accounted for, and I am going to sit here in my eBay bought Tree of Life dress that my sister told me looked like I worked at Crabtree & Evelyn and critique them all!

Go grab yourself some brown avocado on toast because you forgot to put the lemon on it last week, and join me.

Saoirse Ronan

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Ugh YES YES YES. I love this so hard, you guys. I know it’s probably polarising – she looks like a cupcake! One of those spinning fairy toys that poked kid’s eyes out! But there’s something slick and modern about this compared to Sandra Oh (see below) – it’s art.

Sandra Oh

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Ummmmmm….mmmmmmmm….mmmmmmm…..no. Not on board. She looks like a pavlova.

Timothee Chalamet

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What? Are? You? Doing? Who invented that tuxedo jacket x Top Gun bomber, and why did anyone let them? And why did Timothee let someone put him in it? With round-toed clown shoes? Can I? Use any more? Question marks? Yes I can? Because this? Fundamentally sucks? And has me very confused?

Brie Larson

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It’s no groundbreaking gown but champagne-gold is really, really Brie’s colour. She looks fucking amazing.

Cynthia Erivo

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Cynthia is one of the folks who have been dominating every awards red carpet for 2020. I don’t even love this dress, but I love it ON Cynthia if that makes sense.

Camila Morrone

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It’s not an interesting dress by any definition, but it’s really, really beautiful. Sometimes the beigest of gowns are great, actually!

Lucy Boynton & Rami Malek

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This is the first time I haven’t died from loving Lucy Boynton’s awards show look. I’m just finding that underboob cummerbund a little alarming, I think. I do love the pearls down her part. Rami, as always, looks like a sentient robot who is triggered to murder when photographed.

Brad Pitt

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Brad’s gone for a super boring tux at the Academy Awards, but he’s not one to showpony around is he – except with that ETERNALLY SEXUAL FACE, AMIRITE? You showpony that face, Braddles.

Renee Zellweger

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Ugh, she is having such a renaissance and I can’t get enough of it. A RENEE-SANCE HAHAHAHA.

RENEE-SANCE.

I’ll be here all week.

Margot Robbie

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I should hate those useless arm ties, but I love the useless arm ties. I love them so much!!! I want to make my own with shit material from Spotlight! Why does Margot always do this to meeeee stop making useless dumb fashion suddenly the chicest thing on Earth, woman!

Kristen Wiig

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This is what happens when you eat an entire Vienetta and then want your stylist to turn you into a red one.

Margaret Qualley

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I mean she’s a model, she always looks good. She’s also Captain Chanel, so there’s that too. But this is not her best – it’s not bad, it’s just not that exciting.

Natalie Portman

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Hello Emperor Palpatine.

Scarlett Johansson

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Love, especially the trailing chains.

Florence Pugh

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Something about the mullet cut of the dress, makes Florence look really squashed, don’t you think? I like the colour and the concept, I just think mullet dresses need to be collectively burned so people stop making the mistake of, you know, wearing them.

Rooney Mara

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Yeah look, normally I’m a fan of a lacy bodice with a floofy skirt, and if I stop looking past the chest bit this dress is amazing.

But not when the bodice creeps it’s way down to your pubic bone so you just look like you’re nude, covered in lace, with a lush bush that runs from your hips to your feet.

Sibley Scoles

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I have NFI who this is, had to google, turns out she’s an E! host, but goddamn does she look amazing dressed as a magnet.

Claudia Suleweski & Finneas

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Mates, Claudia – IDK what she does now but I did follow her years ago as a YouTuber – is better dressed than many of the people up for actual awards tonight. How nice is her gown! I spy some jokey socks on Finneas but I’ll let it slide, he’s chosen a normal tux, he can have fancy footsies if he wants to. A little treat.

Gal Gadot

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I don’t know, you guys. The skirt is fun but the lace detail of the top – mainly the boob hider bit – reminds me of those lacy nipple stickers one of those fashion tape companies made, that were meant to be like “sexy” versions of the nude nipple stickers, but really you just had large lace flowers stuck on your tits so it’s all the same. That, or it looks like she’s got a strong rug on her chest. Which actually would be a real vibe in my eyes.

Greta Gerwig

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YES, GRETA! She hasn’t been smashing it fashion-wise during awards season, but this Academy Awards gown is PRIMO! The colour – I love me a khaki silk. The cut is so flattering, the trim makes it interesting and not 1999 school formal… heaven.

Rebel Wilson

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Fuck yeah, Rebel! What a gown! This is the old Hollywood shit I live for at these events, and Rebel’s brought it in spades.

Antonio Banderas

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I just put Antonio in here because I want help – can he still get it? Even though he’s 400 years old? I’m thinking… yes. Am I disturbed? Someone validate the fire in my loins, please.

Billie Eilish

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I mean it’s all very BILLIE isn’t it. I don’t know if I can back her off-beat fashion for the Academy Awards. Like sure, do the crazy nails / shapeless chic thing but maybe wear an oversized suit? A couture sack dress? This is a tracksuit.

You just can’t wear a tracksuit – even a Chanel one – to the Oscars.

Janelle Monae

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This is some glorious Star Wars shit and I am obsessed with it.

Billy Porter

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Always slaying, never fucking up. I don’t know how he does it, but he has not pulled ONE bad look this entire awards season. If I wanted to be hyper-critical I could say the print on the skirt isn’t my die-hard fave but honestly? No, I can’t say that. He makes everything work.

Kang-Ho Song, Cho Yeo-jeong, Lee Sun Gyun, Park So-dam & Bong Joon-ho

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If you haven’t seen Parasite yet – do it. Just run away from your desk right now to watch it. If you have, you share my excitement in seeing the cast and director at the Academy Awards! WELL. DESERVED. ATTENDEES. Fashion (yes I forgot about that but let’s circle back) wise, everyone’s looking tight but special shout out to Park So-dam because that magenta dress is HEAVEN.

Olivia Colman

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No no no no. NO. Who did Olivia so wrong!!!! Why does she have small wombat holes resting on her shoulders!!! The stuck on giant diamantes, I can’t. Baby jesus the fashion lord is crying.

Beanie Feldstein

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Look it’s not great. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s not great. That 50s style halter always gives you shelf boob, and black applique roses? Really? At this time of year? Located entirely on the Oscars red carpet?

Tonya Lewis Lee & Spike Lee

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Spike wore a customised Kobe Bryant suit and I started tearing up a little bit.

Catriona Balfe

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As an Outlander-obsesser, which is a real thing, I just always cannot with Catriona. She’s so effortlessly stylish even when wearing the most obscene outfits, like this fiasco. It’s a fiasco! And yet she looks amazing! How is that possible! If I wore this, I’d look like a wilted fairy floss ball on top of some melted licorice.

Kaitlyn Dever

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I’m not sold on the top part – it looks like when people make faux-tuxedo dresses for some reason. The little boob flaps, not a vibe for me. Also why is the wrap puffy? Like an oversized ribbon? Maybe I actually hate this whole thing.

Laura Dern

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Look I don’t hate this, but I also don’t love it? The top is sending me nipple tassel energy, which isn’t a bad thing at all but doesn’t entirely work with the 1999 formal vibes of the dress. I’ve also never enjoyed black with a pastel.

Mindy Kaling

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I am FOREVER partial to a sunshine yellow. Remember Reese Witherspoons amazing dress one year in the distant past? This is beautiful.

Julia Butters

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I swear to god, this kid is going to have the biggest comedown after awards season is over. Imagine being about 10 years old and getting to wear floofy dresses of your fake wedding dreams every week, WITH hair and makeup, AND you get to be photographed like a celebrity. I foresee tantrums and broken windows.

All of this being said, Julia has been DESTROYING red carpets lately and the Academy Awards is no exception. She’s giving Millie Bobby Brown a run for her tween-chic crown.

America Ferreira

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Okay, she looks great but also is this the Roman Age? Are we off to marry Julius Caesar? About to get knifed in the back by Et Tu Brute or whoever? NO. We’re at the Academy Awards, America. Take the headband OFF.

Kristen Cavallari

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I have NFI at all why Kristen ‘Laguna Beach’ Cavallari is at the Academy Awards, but here she is. I will give Kristen this, she looks fantastic. Like a chic Cinderella.

Blac Chyna

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Again – why are you here. Also again – this is a really excellent coat-dress-thing-with-the-sparkles.

Brad Goreski

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THIS is an excellent men’s tuxedo. This is what I wish every man would do – stop leaving it to the women to do the showstopping, I put 400 years of mental energy into this outfit shit and start wowing me with their own fashion looks at the Academy Awards. Love the lapel detail, love the fit. Love it all.