Oh man, I started today thinking it would just be a regular old work day – then bam! There’s a big awards show (the 2019 Billboard Awards) which means a big, messy red carpet for me to sit back and critique – while munching on doughnuts in my old jeans that are saggy in the ass area! I’m totally qualified for this!

For some reason everyone really brings out the weird for the Billboard Awards – sometimes the weird works, sometimes it absolutely does not and you can’t tell me otherwise. Here we go, bebs.

THE JONAS BROTHERS

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Okay at first I was like YES YES YES BOIZ KEEP IT SEXY KEEP IT TIGHT, but then I realised Kevin has decided not to wear a shirt under his suit. This gives me hives, likely because I have PTSD about the time I was 8 and wore a very warm hoodie with nothing underneath to a school Mufti day, and it turned out to be a 30 degree heatwave and I had to sweat it out in my giant yellow jumper. What if the air con broke inside, Kevin? Think about your choices, Kevin.

INGRID MICHAELSON

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IDK who this woman is but this outfit is kind of a mood in a 1995 way.

CARDI B

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Cardi B can get away with anything, she has THAT much attitude. This is like an outfit you’d find in Hot Dollar and it’s called “Sexy Princess Jasmine”, and no that’s not a personal anecdote and no I have never gone as Sexy Princess Jasmine to a party and then tripped on my skirt and faceplanted and a boob fell out of my top. Nope.

LIL BABY

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Firstly this coat is chiiiiiic, even if Lil Baby’s face looks like me circa 1999 when Mum made me wear a matching dress to my sister for Santa photos.

PRIYANKA CHOPRA

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GodDAMN this dress is a vibe. But also Priyanka could literally wear a Millers Fashion on sale culotte suit and still look like straight fire. Actually anyone could wear a Millers Fashion culotte suit in poo brown and look like fire, have you been there lately? Old lady fashion is a mood now people. Get on it.

BRENDON URIE

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That gold piping is schmiiiiiiiiiick.

TAYLOR SWIFT

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This colour is amazing on Taylor but I just cannot with dresses that are covered in ruffles. It’s SO RUFFLY. It’s like two ruffles had sex and then produced more ruffles, and then they all incestually kept making ruffle babies and think Taylor is their real mum and won’t get off her. I don’t know how my brain works either, you guys.

CHRISSY METZ

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I’ve said it SO many times but I love how Chrissy doesn’t let her stylist do that bullshit thing many do with plus-size celebs and shroud her in a black sack for every red carpet. Fuck that – she always wears amazing bold colours and I adore it. That being said what is that Addams Family collar situation. No. Jewel hue and sparkly material – hell yeah. Wednesday Adams neckline, GTFO. Side note Chrissy is an actor from This Is Us so I have NFI why she’s here but that’s showbusiness for ya.

EVA LONGORIA

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The only criticism I have here is that someone’s gone a bit too HAM on the Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs spray, but Eva’s one of those ageless humans who forever looks 30 and it is SO unfair, since I am 30 and look like a dried apricot most of the time.

SOFIA CARSON

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Omgggggg guys how awkward, the moment Sofia and Taylor run into each other at this award show. Taylor will probably just swallow Sofia whole to avoid the faux-pas, to be honest.

LAUREN DAIGLE

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IDK who this but her top looks like it vomited a bit and didn’t clean it up.

KIERNAN SHIPKA

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This is cuuuuute except for the mild discomfort I feel every time I clap eyes on the top bit and think Kiernan – another of those actors who I’ll always think is 11 years old bc that’s how old they were when they started becoming a thing (see: Maisie Williams) – is nakie.

JULIANNE HOUGH

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I ADORE this. Adore it. I love that pale gold/silver tone and it’s really fun with the little bra and the jacket but also…. what… is happening… here.

Why does it look like she’s stashed her iPhone in her pantaloons? HAS SHE? Is it a trick of the light/pattern? I don’t know what to think anymore I feel weird.

SOUTHSIDE & YUNG MIAMI

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This is exactly what I would wear to an awards ceremony bc a) if you spill your champers on it no one would even know, it would just absorb into the acres of fabric and b) you can eat whatever you want and hide the bloat. Hell, you could even drop a crumbed prawn down your front and it’d just get lodged in the tulle somewhere and hide so you can have a little surprise snack later. New thought! Just stash the canapes in your tulle layers and snack through the show.

SOPHIE TURNER

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SANSA! I EXPECTED MORE OF YOU! What is this? Why are the pants so cropped and why does it look like she’s filled the shoulder areas with bread rolls?

DIPLO

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What the fuck is this and also in a very real way, why am I extremely turned on by it.

KELLY CLARKSON

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I wish the fabric was a bit stiffer to give it a bit more of a Star Wars shape (like maybe even scary shoulder pads or something you know?) but I love a turtleneck sequin Dallas vibes dress so I still rate it.

ZEDD

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Zedd’s hot? I had no idea! Also look if you’d asked me last year if I would rate a snakeskin suit I’d laugh in your face and yet here we are, with the 2000s welllll in fashion in again, and I am frothing this.

SAINT JHN

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IDK who this is or why he insists on writing his name without vowels but I am dead over this sexual outfit. Hot damn hot damn hot damn, I need some light blue leather pants in my life immediately now.

CIARA & FUTURE ZAHIR WILBURN

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I’m juuuust saying, if your kid is this level of chic you should not bring him onto the red carpet bc I will not give two tiny shits about whatever you’re wearing and will instead focus entirely on the tiny baby in a Versace tracksuit.

HALSEY

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Halsey raided the Westworld costume sale and you can’t tell me otherwise.