Incredibly Bold Predictions For The WWE’s Huge ‘Super Show-Down’ At The MCG

Tomorrow night the travelling circus that is the WWE hosts quite easily the largest pro-wrestling show in Australian history at the hallowed Melbourne Cricket Ground, with in excess of 70,000 expected to show up for Super Show-Down, the first time the WWE will broadcast an event live from Australia.

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Over the past handful of days the company’s motley crew of stars, from your Triple H‘s and Ronda Rousey‘s through to your Elias‘s and your Ruby Riott‘s, have been arriving in Melbourne ahead of the giant card on Saturday night.

But what the hell is going to happen? Who’s going to emerge victorious from the card’s 10 announced matches? Who will walk out of the ‘G with the W, and what will be left of their opponents in their wake?

We’ve cast an eye across the magical pro-wrestling crystal ball and come up with these incredibly serious match predictions that are guaranteed – guaranteed – to actually happen.

THE UNDERTAKER (w/ KANE) vs TRIPLE H (w/ SHAWN MICHAELS)

The Undertaker is 53-years-old and definitely not in his athletic prime anymore, so I assume he harnesses the power of It’s October Now to conjure up spooky lightning and to light Papa H‘s sledgehammer on fire while a ghost referee counts the three or whatever. Kane and the Incredibly Bald Shawn Michaels‘ role in the match is reduced to Mayor of Knox County Kane™ sermonising about libertarian policy until HBK kicks his Republican Party-ass head off.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: AJ STYLES (c) vs SAMOA JOE

No disqualification and no count-outs in this match means Samoa Joe probably goes a long way towards re-creating the infamous Etihad Stadium darts riot by burying NASCAR’s handsomest Mom under an ocean of plastic chairs. If Joe doesn’t walk out with the Championship, I re-create that riot for real.

SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP: BECKY LYNCH (c) vs CHARLOTTE FLAIR

Given how everything else in this storyline has gone, Becky Lynch rattles off some of the most depraved heel moves of all time and gets nothing but rapturous cheers in return. Becky beats the ever-loving dogshit out of Charlotte before the bell? The crowd goes wild. Becky shaves Charlotte bald and makes a wig which she sells off for charity but the charity only directly benefits anyone who thinks Phantom Menace is the best Star Wars film? The place comes unglued. Becky drags Charlotte’s Dad Ric Flair out, dacks him, and plays racist minstrel songs on his wrinkly old-man ass? Becky gets chaired out of the arena, we secede from the British Monarchy, and she is named Queen of Australia.

JOHN CENA & BOBBY LASHLEY vs ELIAS & KEVIN OWENS

It took a quip about Seattle not having a basketball team for the city to boo Kevin Owens Elias into oblivion, so I’m assuming this match simply does not take place due to one of them saying “Cold Chisel sucks ass” after which the entire incensed crowd straps them to a trebuchet and flings them into Bass Strait.

RONDA ROUSEY & THE BELLA TWINS vs THE RIOTT SQUAD

Wild to think that less than two years ago Ruby Riott was wrecking shop in a cowboy bar in Gainesville, Florida in front of a crowd of 300-odd rowdy PBR-soaked punks at Fest 15 and now she’s less than a day away from throwing hands with Ronda Rousey in the middle of the freakin’ MCG. Rousey wins, obviously. But this is still cool as hell. Get it, Ruby!

THE SHIELD vs BRAWN STROWMAN, DREW McINTYRE, & DOLPH ZIGGLER

Brawn Strowman yanks the Rialto Tower off its foundations and swings it like a baseball bat, hitting Dean Ambrose so hard he disappears through a rip in the space-time continuum, re-appearing back in 2012 when he was haranguing Mick Foley at fan conventions. Brawn Strowman pulls down the entire MCC stand on top of Seth Rollins, ringing his bell so hard he can do naught but mumble “My name is Tyler Black” over and over like he’s an extra in Fight Club. Roman Reigns then pins Brawn Strowman with his pinky after breathing on him.

#1 CONTENDER’S MATCH: DANIEL BRYAN vs THE MIZ

The Miz is so good at being a piece of shit that he’s taken Daniel Bryan, the most universally-beloved man to ever step foot in a WWE ring, and put him in a situation where I do not want him to win. Bravo, Michael. Honestly I don’t care what happens here, as long as it lets them continue on doing this for a while longer. It’s the real, real, real, real good gear, this.

SMACKDOWN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: THE NEW DAY (c) vs THE BAR

Cesaro is a legitimate walking, talking superhuman and Sheamus looks like he could punch the dick clean off a horny bull, so any outcome that isn’t “The Bar win” makes absolute zero sense. They leave with the belts, The New Day goes to Bartronica to drown their sorrows by taking on all comers at Daytona USA.

ASUKA & NAOMI vs THE IICONICS

Asuka provides Japan’s most diplomatic gesture to Australia in decades by immediately nuking Naomi with a kick to the head and walking off, allowing Peyton Royce and Billie Kay to pick up the win in their home country, after which they are awarded the Order of Australia and enshrined in the National Library and have their faces put onto packs of Tim Tams because they are godforsaken global treasures.

CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: CEDRIC ALEXANDER (c) vs BUDDY MURPHY

Hometown boy Buddy Murphy looks on the verge of defeat when the lights go out and an Australian indie pro-wrestling faction consisting of Dowie JamesAdam BrooksRobbie Eagles, and Travis Banks (shut up we’re claiming him) beats the piss out of Alexander and hands Murphy the win and the title, going on to run Australian-style roughshod over the entire Cruiserweight division for decades to come.

You know it makes sense.

Unbelievably, there’s still tickets for WWE Super Show-Down available, which you can snap up via Ticketek right now.

The show kicks off at 6:30pm tomorrow night, with the live broadcast commencing from 7pm.

This is gonna be so good.

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