That t-shirt cannons are technically classified as a Class B weapon in Australia is a monumental tragedy, not only because it denies people in the upper tiers of sporting events their rightfully-earned free shirts, but also because it completely robs us of the pure joy of moments where things go horribly wrong a man dressed in a giant fluffy outfit accidentally murders his own dick and balls in front of a grandstand full of people.
[jwplayer MrIYS6zy]
In this case, here’s Chip the Buffalo, the mascot of the University of Colorado Boulder‘s football team, the Buffaloes.
As I’m sure he’s done a thousand times before, Chip primed up the t-shirt gun to fire a few freebies up into the nosebleeds. On this occasion, however, he went full Johnny Knoxville on himself and accidentally fired one directly into the ole’ penis and scrotum.
And before you even ask, you bet your ass there’s video.
The T-shirt! His groin! It works on so many levels! https://t.co/L5vroxY2sm
— Dan Lucero (@danluceroshow) September 19, 2018
That unholy thud might well be the funniest sound of all time.
Such was the impact, the sheer force, the level of destruction beseeched upon that poor buffaloes ballsack that he needed to be hauled off the stadium surface via the medical cart, waving to the crowd with his frozen mascot smile while inside his human face was probably in tears; pork sword and agates held together by the sweaty fur of a mascot uniform’s crotch.
Something you don’t see every day: Chip the Buffalo’s t-shirt gun malfunctioned and he had to be carted off the field! Never took his head off though… respect the commitment #footballguy pic.twitter.com/qi0lrPM4Dk
— Lindsay Joy (@LindsayJoyTV) September 15, 2018
Wave to the people, Chip. Blow them kisses. All while your mighty buffalo hog remains shattered in a million pieces.
Outwardly, the school will have you believe that “Chip” returned to the field later in the game, cheering the Buffaloes as they romped to a 45-14 win over New Hampshire.
I’m good guys! Thanks for all the love ❤️ pic.twitter.com/VK9vKm8xvM
— Chip the Buffalo (@Chipthebuffalo) September 15, 2018
More likely however is the original Chip being taken out back and shot; his cock injuries far too grave to ever overcome. A new Chip was hastily sourced and shoved out onto the field in his place.
It may seem cruel, but you simply do not bounce back from a shot to the wang like that. This, alas, is the far more humane option.
Now then, to watch the video on loop for another three hours…
