You’d better strap yourselves in for this one, folks. Because it’s a wild, wild yarn.
A mere month-and-a-half ago, Tom Brady morphed into his final form and proceeded to commit multiple murders upon an unsuspecting Atlanta Falcons, hoisting the New England Patriots up from the canvas to clinch a remarkable victory at Super Bowl LI.
For his efforts in the game, Brady was awarded the Super Bowl MVP award, and he got to raise the Vince Lombardi Trophy for the fifth time in his career, which is a staggering feat despite the Pats general bastardry.
But despite all the accolades he took home that day, one thing he did not was the jersey he wore during the game. Somehow, in between taking it off and zipping up his bag, with the dressing room full of players, family, media, security, and – most importantly – cameras, Brady’s game jumper went missing.
And when we say there were cameras everywhere, we mean it. They even captured Brady searching in vain for the missing item.
Incredibly, this isn’t even the first time it’s happened to Brady. The jersey he wore in the Patriots’ Super Bowl XLIX victory over the Seattle Seahawks (y’know, that one where Pete Carroll saw 2nd & 1 and saw that he had Marshawn Lynch in his backfield and somehow came up with the thought “pass!“) also went missing.
Where they went remained, up until now, a kind-of curious mystery. Maybe someone on the team swiped them? Maybe a cleaner took advantage of the locker room chaos? Maybe Tom Brady is simply a big forgetful moron?
The truth, as it turns out, eclipses all of that ten-fold.
The FBI – the actual Federal Bureau of Investigation – revealed earlier today that they had recovered both jerseys from a credentialed member of the international press, and they had recovered those jerseys on foreign soil.
The NFL confirmed the wild yarn via a PR press release.
Someone working in the media, for an international agency, has managed to gain access to the Super Bowl champion locker room on more than one occasion, and has not only swiped two Brady jerseys, but they’ve then transported them out of the country.
But it does end there. Jay Glazer told the US Fox Sports that this same person is apparently being investigated in relation to the disappearance of Von Miller‘s helmet and/or football boots from his Super Bowl locker room in 2016.
The FBI, for the time being, has transported the recovered Brady jerseys back to the US, where they are en route to Boston to be returned to Brady and the Patriots.
NFL Security had enlisted the help of the FBI in the recovery process due to the jerseys being held outside of the United States. According to reports, the reporter in question, Mauricio Ortega, lives in Mexico. He is the editor of La Presna, a medium-sized daily rag based out of Mexico City.
Fox Sports has released CCTV footage of a blurred-out Ortega allegedly leaving the Patriots’ locker room in a rush.
I don’t know much about anything, but I know three things to be true about this yarn:
1) Patriots fans will see “stolen Tom Brady jersey” and “Mexico” and will start hollering on social media about Trump’s godforsaken wall. (EDIT: It’s already happening)
2) For this, Ortega will be punished far more severely by the league than any NFL player who commits a domestic violence offence.
3) Within 5 years, there’s going to be a screwball comedy film made about this whole shebang, and it’s gonna be absolutely mad.
Photos: Ronald Martinez, Kevin C. Cox/Getty.