So here we go. 8 games remaining in the 2018 FIFA World Cup. 8 teams left to battle it out for the most coveted trophy in world sport. 8 nations sitting on the edge of their seats hoping their boys can bring it on home.
Australia is long gone from official proceedings, but so too has a laundry list of genuine title contenders. With the Quarter Finals set to begin tonight, we’re faced with the rather unique setting of the business-end of a World Cup tournament without Germany, Argentina, Portugal, or Spain.
Whomst to support? That is the burning question us fans left without a hat in the ring are asking ourselves. Which nation do we affix a bandwagon to, in order to live vicariously through any prospective triumph they may achieve?
As with all things, it’s best to look at these things logically, assessing the pros and the cons of backing in each nation for ultimate cup glory.
Sensibly, of course. Very serious stuff, this.
- Have only made it past the quarter finals stage once since 1974.
- Luis Suarez has ceased biting people for the moment, apparently.
- South America’s last great hope in the cup, provided you’re ignoring Brazil, which you should be.
- Capital is Montevideo, which sounds like a suburban VHS library in the 90s that Blockbuster crushed.
- Luis Suarez is probs gonna bite someone.
- I can’t hear the country’s name without thinking of that “you are gay” joke from The Simpsons which has ahh… not aged well.
- The most talent-laden team remaining in the World Cup with a combined worth of AUD$1.6billion.
- Wine and cheese.
- Putting “les” in front of everything with an affected French accent? Folks, it’s les good.
- The most talent-laden team remaining in the World Cup. Getting on board now is extremely boring.
- Did not exhibit mercy on Australia in the group stages despite the fact we’re clearly in need of it.
- I can’t hear the country’s name without thinking of that significantly better joke from The Simpsons.
Nobody ever says Italy.
- Haven’t won a title since 2002, and are probably due for title #6.
- Colours are extremely similar to Australia’s sporting getup, so you can probs squint a bit and just like… pretend real hard.
- Big statue of Jesus in Rio, meaning the country is presided over by the Son of God’s enormous stone schlong. A holy and hefty wiener.
- Neymar has been flopping harder than an M. Night Shyamalan film.
- Brazil getting smashed 7-1 in the last World Cup’s semi final never stops being funny. They’re not allowed to avenge that yet.
- Still not over Ronaldo‘s unfathomable 2002 World Cup haircut.
- Eden Hazard: A man who once kicked a shitblob teenage ballboy who absolutely deserved to be kicked, and a man who has scored 69 goals for Chelsea in his career thus far which is, not to put too fine a point on it, nice.
- Not Denmark.
- You know that one movie In Bruges that was shot in Belgium? That’s a good-ass movie.
- It’s also the name of a lunch meat and like… a lunch meat can’t win the World Cup?
- Single-handedly responsibly for Brussels Sprouts.
- The fuck is a Belgian Waffle? Just call it a waffle, jfc.
— John Essien (@johnessien_) July 1, 2018
- A fairytale win for the host nation, which are always the best sports stories.
- An avalanche of new Russian dash cam footage due to everyone in the country stacking their Fiat Unos in celebration.
- You’ll probs be able to drink vodka at work and get away with it.
- Vladimir Putin will probably get shirtless again if they win, which no one needs.
- Team is almost certainly going to fail several doping tests (playing suspiciously well).
- Borscht. No thanks.
🇭🇷 Croatia at 2018 #WorldCup
✅ Croatia 2-0 Nigeria 🇳🇬
✅ Croatia 3-0 Argentina 🇦🇷
✅ Croatia 2-1 Iceland 🇮🇸
👏 Impressive. pic.twitter.com/24xwQW7J6x
— SPORF (@Sporf) June 26, 2018
- There ain’t no party like a Balkans party.
- There’s gonna be some dope footage of Goran Ivanišević losing his god-given shit if they win.
- Probably the only time you’ll be able to let off a flare in the middle of a public street without getting the holy shite beaten out of you by the cops.
- Entire Balkan region likely to break off mainland Europe and sink into the sea.
- That one gigantic dude in the warehouse named Ilija will take 14 days off after the final if they win meaning work will suck for 3 weeks.
- Country’s name sounds like “Crow Ate Ya” which is a fate I do not want to picture.
— Steve Douglas (@sdouglas80) July 3, 2018
- Swedish meatballs. Mad.
- Gave us 12 votes at Eurovision 2015, 12 at Eurovision 2016, and 10 at Eurovision 2017. Gr8 m8s.
- It’s like… the Australia of Europe. No evidence to back that claim up. Just go with it.
- Entire nation are allen key-humping dorks who are systematically ruining your life one flatpack at a time.
- Only gave us 8 votes at Eurovision 2018. What the fuck.
- I keep thinking Amsterdam is there.
— Harry Kane (@HKane) July 3, 2018
- Actually enjoyable side to watch, which feels weird and wrong for an English side.
- Harry Kane is such a high-tier snack you’d have to trade three Rollups and a Yogo at recess just to get half a bite of him.
- We’ve got the Queen on all our money so technically it’d be our win too, thanks.
- All English football fans are named Gareth. It is hell.
- Nigel Farage might get to touch the World Cup trophy, which would poison it forever.
- Every pub named some bullshit like The Postman & Watermelon would instantly burn to the ground.