Now look, I’m no fighter, I’ve never even been in a fight, but I reckon I could win in a scrap up against some of the Sydney 2000 Olympics sports symbols. In saying that, most of them could still kick my whole ass out of this world.
I’ve decided to rank all 34 symbols, (yes all of them), by how likely they are to beat me up in a fight. Now, this has nothing to do with the people who play the sport or the sports themselves, because let’s face it, if you’re in the Olympics for anything, you could pummel me with ease.
This is purely based on the look of the symbols themselves, from the flimsy to the menacing. Alright, gloves on, let’s get to kicking my ass. We’ll go from weakest looking to strongest.
34. Synchronised Swimming
I’m supposed to be threatened by four lines and two dots? I’ll have you know I was connect-the-dots champion in Year 2. I was simply the best. Absolutely nobody can top me. (Except my boyfriend I guess.)
Something about this little fella looks easy to beat. Divers? They could kick my ass into next year. This picture? Piece of cake.
Look, I’ve dated a wrestler. They’re tough stuff, and could throw you against a wall before you know what hit you. But this pic is just cool looking boomerangs being weird. Fight over before it’s begun I reckon.
Need I say more?
30. Water Polo
I’ve seen this guy at the gay clubs. Nice dude. We’d probably just get a beer or something.
What’re you gonna do punk? Handstand me to death? Nah, I’ve got this one in the bag.
This one is for my primary school “friends” who made up rules on the handball court just to get me out of the square. How do you like being 28th? Not nice, is it? But yeah this pic is probably not gonna hurt me in a tiff.
27. Beach Volleyball
This pic is actually stunning. A work of art. Louvre worthy even. I don’t really think either of us would want to fight. A round of beach volleyball though? Sure thing hit me up.
Something about the volleyball twins just looks so friendly. Look at them, they’re waving hello. I love this legend.
25. Modern Pentathlon
Chasing big dreams under the Southern Cross. A working-class citizen, just like the rest of us. Alexa play The Big Sky by Kate Bush. (Also if this one had a southern cross tattoo, it’d be a different story.)
Kinda like our boys up at synchronized swimming, but somehow more threatening. Do you feel that too? Swimming could kick a little bit of butt. Subtle threatening auras right here.
Speedy boi, much too fast for me. I came first in an egg and spoon race once, but only because everyone else dropped their eggs. This fella? 2 zoomy 4 me.
Badminton’s arm is a bat. Their arm… is a bat. Do I stand any sort of chance? Maybe. I can giggle about the word ‘shuttlecock’ and hope they leave me alone.
21. Table Tennis
That’s a paddlin’.
There’s a lot going on in this image, so much so that I am frightened of my chances in a fight. I’m going down aren’t I?
Whereas Volleyball was waving to say hello, Basketball is leaping into the heavens to show you just how easy it is to pummel your tush into yesteryear. This image screams athletic prowess, whereas I will just be screaming.
We’re deep into the top 20 now, and this pic is quite scary. You can just tell that ball is going to be yeeted into the stratosphere, so what’s gonna stop me from being just like said ball? Time to kiss the sun.
Much like Badminton, this batshit asshole has a racket as a hand. Something about this image screams, “I’m gonna whoop your meat cushion,” and I am not a fan of it.
WTF is that hand. I smell an ass slapping coming on, and not the good kind.
This image doesn’t look too threatening tbh, but still looks strong as hell. Something about the stance says, “sure I’ll wipe that smile off your face, but buy me flowers and I’ll give you a pass.” As a Sagittarius, I vibe that energy.
14. Canoe Sprint
Oooh, they gonna kick some ASS. Heading down the stream to slap you into the nether realm. What’s just around the river bend? A beating.
Wicked Witch of the West vibes. Gonna take your dog and your breath. A body? Who needs it when you’re flying full speed down the road on two floating circles. This is some Tron: Legacy type shit and I stand absolutely no chance.
In the wise words of Taylor Swift, “I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.”
This one breaks into my home every night and always asks me what I’m gonna do about it. You know what? Nothing. You may enter, take what you want.
Something tells me this won’t have the high energy, queer-coded glory of the HSM2 Baseball scene, will it?
Two tough units coming to smash. Normally such an affair is a great time, but something tells me this duo don’t want to cuddle.
I’m sitting here listening to Lil’ Kim, mouse glowing baby blue, while this image has trained since birth in the art of turning me to dust. I don’t think it’s a mystery who is coming out on top here.
It’s like The Hunger Games except I’m that kid who gets blown up five minutes into the event, and this icon is Katniss, who goes on to make three more movies.
I believe it was Sun Tzu in The Art of War who wrote: “Molly, you in danger girl.”
Fencing? Well, I guess you can call me a fence because I am going to stand there, rooted in the ground. This image screams Ralph Wiggum chuckling and saying “I’m in danger.”
3. Canoe Slalom
Not only is this pic homophobic, but it screams raw strength. It’s like an impenetrable wall. Why did they have to go and make Canoe Slalom so goddam threatening? I’m just sitting here eating my salad.
2. Gymnastics Rhythmic
You just know this person would murder you in cold blood and dance on your grave. Remorse? What is that? Murder is the only thing that drives this merciless killer.
That’s… that’s a gun. You want me to go against a gun? With these twink arms? See ya.