Now look, I’m no fighter, I’ve never even been in a fight, but I reckon I could win in a scrap up against some of the Sydney 2000 Olympics sports symbols. In saying that, most of them could still kick my whole ass out of this world.

I’ve decided to rank all 34 symbols, (yes all of them), by how likely they are to beat me up in a fight. Now, this has nothing to do with the people who play the sport or the sports themselves, because let’s face it, if you’re in the Olympics for anything, you could pummel me with ease.

This is purely based on the look of the symbols themselves, from the flimsy to the menacing. Alright, gloves on, let’s get to kicking my ass. We’ll go from weakest looking to strongest.

34. Synchronised Swimming

I’m supposed to be threatened by four lines and two dots? I’ll have you know I was connect-the-dots champion in Year 2. I was simply the best. Absolutely nobody can top me. (Except my boyfriend I guess.)

33. Diving

Something about this little fella looks easy to beat. Divers? They could kick my ass into next year. This picture? Piece of cake.

32. Wrestling

Look, I’ve dated a wrestler. They’re tough stuff, and could throw you against a wall before you know what hit you. But this pic is just cool looking boomerangs being weird. Fight over before it’s begun I reckon.

31. Sailing

Need I say more?

30. Water Polo

I’ve seen this guy at the gay clubs. Nice dude. We’d probably just get a beer or something.

29. Gymnastics

What’re you gonna do punk? Handstand me to death? Nah, I’ve got this one in the bag.

28. Handball

This one is for my primary school “friends” who made up rules on the handball court just to get me out of the square. How do you like being 28th? Not nice, is it? But yeah this pic is probably not gonna hurt me in a tiff.

27. Beach Volleyball

This pic is actually stunning. A work of art. Louvre worthy even. I don’t really think either of us would want to fight. A round of beach volleyball though? Sure thing hit me up.

26. Volleyball

Something about the volleyball twins just looks so friendly. Look at them, they’re waving hello. I love this legend.

25. Modern Pentathlon

Chasing big dreams under the Southern Cross. A working-class citizen, just like the rest of us. Alexa play The Big Sky by Kate Bush. (Also if this one had a southern cross tattoo, it’d be a different story.)

24. Swimming

Kinda like our boys up at synchronized swimming, but somehow more threatening. Do you feel that too? Swimming could kick a little bit of butt. Subtle threatening auras right here.

23. Athletics

Speedy boi, much too fast for me. I came first in an egg and spoon race once, but only because everyone else dropped their eggs. This fella? 2 zoomy 4 me.

22. Badminton

Badminton’s arm is a bat. Their arm… is a bat. Do I stand any sort of chance? Maybe. I can giggle about the word ‘shuttlecock’ and hope they leave me alone.

21. Table Tennis

That’s a paddlin’.

20. Triathlon

There’s a lot going on in this image, so much so that I am frightened of my chances in a fight. I’m going down aren’t I?

19. Basketball

Whereas Volleyball was waving to say hello, Basketball is leaping into the heavens to show you just how easy it is to pummel your tush into yesteryear. This image screams athletic prowess, whereas I will just be screaming.

18. Football

We’re deep into the top 20 now, and this pic is quite scary. You can just tell that ball is going to be yeeted into the stratosphere, so what’s gonna stop me from being just like said ball? Time to kiss the sun.

17. Tennis

Much like Badminton, this batshit asshole has a racket as a hand. Something about this image screams, “I’m gonna whoop your meat cushion,” and I am not a fan of it.

16. Softball

WTF is that hand. I smell an ass slapping coming on, and not the good kind.

15. Boxing

This image doesn’t look too threatening tbh, but still looks strong as hell. Something about the stance says, “sure I’ll wipe that smile off your face, but buy me flowers and I’ll give you a pass.” As a Sagittarius, I vibe that energy.

14. Canoe Sprint

Oooh, they gonna kick some ASS. Heading down the stream to slap you into the nether realm. What’s just around the river bend? A beating.

13. Cycling

Wicked Witch of the West vibes. Gonna take your dog and your breath. A body? Who needs it when you’re flying full speed down the road on two floating circles. This is some Tron: Legacy type shit and I stand absolutely no chance.

12. Rowing

In the wise words of Taylor Swift, “I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.”

11. Hockey

This one breaks into my home every night and always asks me what I’m gonna do about it. You know what? Nothing. You may enter, take what you want.

10. Baseball

Something tells me this won’t have the high energy, queer-coded glory of the HSM2 Baseball scene, will it?

9. Judo

Two tough units coming to smash. Normally such an affair is a great time, but something tells me this duo don’t want to cuddle.

8. Taekwondo

I’m sitting here listening to Lil’ Kim, mouse glowing baby blue, while this image has trained since birth in the art of turning me to dust. I don’t think it’s a mystery who is coming out on top here.

7. Weightlifting

No thanks.

6. Archery

It’s like The Hunger Games except I’m that kid who gets blown up five minutes into the event, and this icon is Katniss, who goes on to make three more movies.

5. Equestrian

I believe it was Sun Tzu in The Art of War who wrote: “Molly, you in danger girl.”

4. Fencing

Fencing? Well, I guess you can call me a fence because I am going to stand there, rooted in the ground. This image screams Ralph Wiggum chuckling and saying “I’m in danger.”

3. Canoe Slalom

Not only is this pic homophobic, but it screams raw strength. It’s like an impenetrable wall. Why did they have to go and make Canoe Slalom so goddam threatening? I’m just sitting here eating my salad.

2. Gymnastics Rhythmic

You just know this person would murder you in cold blood and dance on your grave. Remorse? What is that? Murder is the only thing that drives this merciless killer.

1. Shooting

That’s… that’s a gun. You want me to go against a gun? With these twink arms? See ya.