If all the fellas and nut-havers in the room could kindly hold hands before proceeding with this story, I think that’s gonna help us all get through it together. Holy mother of god.

Collingwood Magpies gun midfielder Steele Sidebottom has been ruled out of Friday night’s crucial Round 23 clash against Essendon after a training mishap that left him with, jesus wept, a ruptured testicle.

Reports from Collingwood officials state that Sidebottom copped an accidental kick square in the ole’ Jatz Crackers during a training session this afternoon. After suffering immediate discomfort (UGHHH) Sidebottom left the track and subsequent investigation of his fucking ballbag revealed one of his two amigos had burst a seam.

Club officials have confirmed he’ll undergo surgery tonight to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Worryingly enough, the timeline for recovery is unclear, which is more than a little concerning for Pies fans on the eve of an AFL Finals campaign.

Magpies General Manager of Football Geoff Walsh said Steele was in a fair amount of bother – which, again, stemmed from having one of his actual balls punted in twain – but the league-wide bye week between this weekend’s final regular season round and the start of the finals series gives him extra time to recover before a likely Elimination Final appearance.

“Steele was in clear discomfort but the extent of the injury and an anticipated recovery period won’t be known until after the surgery.”

“It is certainly disappointing for Steele but the upside is that we have the break between the end of the home and away season and finals to give him added time to recover.”

God. Fuck. Shit the bed. Christ a-bloody-live. Hell’s bells. Strike me pink.

Copping an accidental slipper to the canastas and coming up one fruit short of a jar of Goulburn Valley’s finest.

You truly, and I cannot stress this enough, hate to see it.

Image: Getty Images / Michael Wilson