While there’s a lot to be played out on the football field today, as far as the mascots go today’s Super Bowl is already a blow out.

With the San Francisco 49ers and the Kansas City Chiefs set to lock horns imminently in the NFL’s biggest game of the year, it’s worth remembering that the Niners have the Chiefs beat black and blue in the mascot stakes.

There’s a lot to be said about the Chiefs identity in general; the fan-lead “Arrowhead Chop” chant and even the Chiefs name itself are both more than a bit on-the-nose as far as existing in the year 2020 is concerned.

But as far as bare bones mascots are concerned, it’s not even close: The Chiefs’ “KC Wolf” is a moth-bitten old relic that should be put in permanent storage.

Meanwhile, the Niners front up to every game behind the mighty weight of Sourdough Sam, a complete freak with a ferocious asshole for a chin who I love more than certain members of my own family.

Sam, a Californian gold prospector, leads the team out before every game, swinging a light-up pickaxe around like his life depends on it.

The only time he ditched the pickaxe was last week, following the Niners NFC Championship victory, where he spent a good portion of the post-game celebrations swanning about the field with a wrestling championship belt, because he’s the undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do to deny it.

Though he hasn’t shaved in nigh on a decade and nowadays gets around sporting a Grizzly Adams-like beard, underneath the ole’ crumb catcher lies a bum chin roughly the size of the San Andreas fault itself.

The man’s chin has a full-on lunar crater nestled front and centre on his jaw.

He can straight-up blow his nose and wipe his ass at the same time.

Licking his lips technically counts as giving himself a rim job.

What kind of freak shit does Sourdough Sam get into, man? What yippee’s his kay-yay, is what I wanna know. If he looks you in the eye and asks you to 49er him, you’d reckon you’d blindly say yes without even knowing what in the hell that was.

All I know is Sourdough Sam is my Super Bowl LIV MVP. No question. No doubt about it in my mind.

Image: Getty Images / Warren Little